Hasselhoff Cheeseburger

The falcon just released the first song from our upcoming record, Gather Up the Chaps. Here are the lyrics. Here is the song. Pls to enjoy. ahem, booya.

Grapple down the scaffolding like Hasselhoff dismantling
the greasy mantle pieces and the cheesiest diseases…
mangling a cheeseburger while rolling in your feces
I’m a hairy, old Khaleesi, draggin’ ass, draggin’ on
overacting after all the audience is gone
and repeating.
I used to catch that beating in the station wagon seating
when my old man got that feeling.
I got in some trouble, trouble wrapped up in a baggie
I’ll get you high and nekkid if you let me have your aggie.

Humpin up the himalayas, saying someone’s shitty prayers
Crime is closing in, this time the grime is piling up in layers.
All these players are just kids. I wonder where the grown-ups is.

Flapping lips, shiny scalps, jealous looks at ugly whelps.

And I’m shrinking. my self control is smitten.

Stinking as I care less and less about the ending.

Baby, I just wanted to be lazy.
I only became a man because this ugly body made me
Now I’m feeling faded and I’m fading.
It’s degrading
and I hate it.

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The Dumb Dildos (Terror edition)

Sooooo, terror is in the news, eh? That Donald Trump, he hates Muslims, and he’s making quite a stink in our national underpants about it. Even though ISIS (and their estranged bros in Al Qaeda) are only tangentially related to the actual teachings of Islam, he’s stirred a racist, xenophobic national attitude into a frenzy, which in turn has triggered an angry backlash from the people I’m gonna call the “non-total assholes.” But throughout this fear-fueled back and forth, there’s an elephant in the room that I haven’t heard anyone mention, so I’m gonna mention it now. To be clear, I am pro-Muslim, anti-terror, pro-logic, pro-common sense, anti-racist, anti-border and generally fairly reasonable. Please take this here lil essay as it is, and not as some sort of veiled doublespeaky anti-Muslim propaganda, cool? Cool. Let’s rap.

Over the past fourteen years, one thing that’s come up a lot is the highly sophisticated, coordinated 2001 attack on the World Trade Center, specifically the millions of dollars and years and years of planning that went into said attack. As talking heads, politicians and colleagues spent the past decade-plus discussing Osama Bin Laden’s vast network of highly coordinated global terror and the ensuing tragedy, I always kind of shrugged it off as a given. “Sure. That shit was crazy and grandiose, AND it took us YEARS to finally kill Osama, so we’re clearly dealing with worthy foes, who meticulously plan and scheme in their vast, labyrinthine underground network.”

But, after really thinking about it, I’m here today to call bullshit on all that. The 9-11 attacks took years and millions of dollars to pull off? Sheeeit son. Maybe today, in a post 9-11 world where shit’s all on lock, but in 2001? Gimme twenty bucks for boxcutters, and seven friends with a basic working knowledge of steering wheels and jugular veins, and boom! World War Three. If Osama spent a million on that shit, I got a bridge in Brooklyn I wanna sell him (Note: I do not actually want to sell the Brooklyn Bridge to any terrorists). I understand the urge to make this horrific kick in the national dick(s) seem like a sophisticated, coordinated attack (flight school! Fake passports! Test runs! Etc) but the truth is, you don’t need any of that shit to do what got done in September 2001. That shit wasn’t that sophisticated, and tactics haven’t gotten more sophisticated since. Two months after 9-11, Richard Reid brought a shoe bomb onto a plane and was only cockblocked from his 72 virgins because he couldn’t get his shoe lit. That’s who we’re dealing with, folks: Motherfuckers who get outsmarted by their own SHOES.

Now, this is not intended to make light of the tragic events of 9-11, the rise of ISIS or any of the victims of the last decade and a half of terror. The point is, shooting up a concert? Blowing yourself up outside a soccer game? Driving a vehicle into something? These aren’t ‘tactical, coordinated strikes.’ These are, quite literally, hillbilly acts of retribution as carried out by backass hicks. To say otherwise is to give the militant supporters of the Islamic State (or IS) credit that they don’t deserve—an unearned credit that strikes fear into decent people everywhere and, more to the point, emboldens these dipshits.

Say it with me, y’all: These are dumb extremist hicks. They’re from different hills than that rapey santa claus that shot up the Planned Parenthood in Colorado Springs recently, but they aren’t any smarter and they’re definitely not more tactical. Why does no one acknowledge this? I can think of no more effective weapon against this dangerous ideology than to look it in the eye, while taking our scared aunts by the hands and pointing out the emperor’s clothes. “Aunt Sue. Look at these assholes. They’re idiots. The guy who couldn’t blow up his own feet has, in the past 15 years, had the most profound effect on me personally, because he’s the reason I can no longer fly with shampoo.”

You don’t have to be smart to kill, and a group of people this driven by bloodlust and fundamentalist ideology CANNOT, BY DEFINITION be very smart, BUT we insist they are, because, in the short term, it absolves us (the rest of the world at large, [including Muslims, by the way]) from being blamed when we get sucker punched. In the long run, it feeds fear and empowers these dumb bigots. Are we propping them up as masterminds despite decades of evidence that they ain’t? Look at the mofuckin writing on the wall, son.

“Yo, yo! Have you seen the ISIS magazine? Have you seen the ISIS social media presence? ISIS is very savvy.” No. No no no no no fuck that no. You know who’s internet savvy? Perez fucking Hilton. That shit doesn’t mean you’re smart at all. You know who else runs a glossy magazine? Some six-toothed hick in a warehouse my wife used to work for in Denver. Idiots can run magazines and idiots can be savvy on the Internet. That’s a perfect job for idiots, actually. I mean, WHO THE FUCK STILL HAS A MAGAZINE IN 2015????? Even Playboy is getting out of the game, for fuckssakes. Don’t point to publishing print media in the digital age as proof of intelligence. I mean, lawdamercy, y’all. Let’s be ferreeal.

Listen, I’ve got a friend in the rock and roll business…”a savior of his generation” to hear his fans talk about him. He used to be very normal, but it turns out, you hear about how much your swinging dick rules, you start to believe it. We’re turning ISIS into rockstars with bloated egos by giving them credit that they don’t deserve. Where is the dismissive “fuck these guys” from Washington? Hell, why can’t our boy Trump at least say this? He’s all about the rhetoric, but he’s too busy calling his like-minded political opponents clowns and giving SO much credit to the gomers in ISIS that he’s decided to go full 4th Reich on the second largest religion on earth. It should go without saying that Trump is, himself, a dumb dick, but still. Let’s at least have a little classic Trump-branded shit-talk against the people who deserve it, eh buddy?

Look, I don’t have the answer to the world’s problems, but this is at least an ideological tack we should really take. You may recall that I wrote a thing about the dildo ISIS flag not too long ago. It was similar in thrust and much better written than this is, so I would encourage you to read that entry (it’s directly below this one). I’m just sick of giving credit where it’s not due. That asshole that shot up the movie theater in Colorado and that lady who drove her car into the parade in Oklahoma, those motherfuckers in Minneapolis shooting peaceful protesters, they all perpetrated terrible, heinous acts that resulted in horrible, horrible loss and pain, but no one ever went on TV and called em masterminds. That’s because it don’t take much to drive something into something else or point and shoot in an enclosed space. Dig?

In conclusion: fundamentalist religious dogma interpreted as a license to kill, no matter if it’s some hick with a beard at a Planned Parenthood or some hick with a beard on a plane, is a telltale symptom of poor critical thinking and reading comprehension skills. These terrorists, all of them the same, are dumb. That’s it. That’s the whole story. To give any more credit to fools is to endanger the very thing that makes being alive beautiful: the freedom to live and love each other while we mock and dismiss the hateful stupid assholes, even as they try to bring the rest of us down.

Smoke em if you got em, y’all. Love you so. xoxoxo

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