CELEBRITY NUDES!!!! LEAKED!

“DON’T TAKE NUDE PICTURES IF YOU DON’T WANT THEM ON THE INTERNET!” some dork is furiously typing right now. Aaaaaaand now there’s some other smug dork typing the same thing. They’re all collecting ‘hacked n00dz,’ patting each other on the back, looking down at the prurient, self-pornographers from atop some (very boring) moral high ground. And no one really seems to argue their point. Sure, there are a few concessions given: Yes, it’s an invasion of privacy. Yes, it’s unfortunate. Yes, whoever did this is a Bad Person, but you know what? If you don’t want your naked pictures to end up on the internet, don’t take them. Right? Right. Wrong. That’s total bullshit.

Look, if we’re gonna run with this (deeply flawed) logic, here are some new maxims for you: If you don’t want to be mugged, don’t carry a wallet. If you don’t want your TV stolen and sold for a fraction of what you paid for it, then don’t have a nice TV in your house. If you don’t want to be mocked by talentless trolls for the rest of your life, then never attempt to express yourself artistically. And for fucks sake, if you don’t want shitty ex lovers to talk about your small dick/mommy issues/flappity vagina/tendency to get drunk and act like a total monster, well, then you should never ever become romantically involved with anyone.

The shitty, puritanical, troglodydian logic behind this victim shaming would be shocking if it wasn’t so run of the mill. How dare anyone take naked pictures of themselves! It’s…what? A sin? Maybe? No? Hmmm. I guess it’s NOT technically a sin. But it’s not very sophisticated or classy, that’s for sure. Maaaaaybe that’s true, but it’s exciting. Driving fast cars, watching football, playing minecraft, being at a sweaty rock concert, drinking beer, skydiving, eating nachos, reading comics, riding dune buggies and the general old act of just fucking your spouse are not exactly sophisticated pursuits either, but they’re fun, and only the most bizarre space alien would say that engaging in any of these activities are grounds for inviting theft of property and public humiliation. Seriously, what gives, nation of puritan grandmas? My ACTUAL grandma is less uptight than you.

So, yeah. I’m upset at the way that the current spate of “hacked celebrity nudes” has created a noxious victim blaming firestorm here on the internet, stemming mostly from everyone wanting to see Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton naked, feeling guilty, and then shifting that guilt onto those girls as to feel a little bit better about looking at their intimate photos. Pretty lame, even for you, Millhouse.

Listen, I get it. We’ve been burned by celebrity tits about a million times. Kim and Paris both claimed that those tapes of them fucking those losers were stolen, when that’s just patently not true. They were, in both cases, calculated maneuvers designed to catapult each of them into superstardom while making tidy profits. Hell, that teen mom chick went for the same thing, but used a highly desirable male porn star and then STILL had the gall to claim it was a “private tape.” The words kind of lose all meaning in the American-celebrity-tit-and-beaver-vacuum. However, the fact remains: it’s not sinful or bad to take pictures of yourself naked, partially naked, or fucking or jacking off. It’s not. And it’s not unreasonable to share those pictures with someone who you KNOW (and this is key [I’m looking at you, unsoclicited dickpic guys]) would like them. AND, and this is the big one, y’all, it’s not unreasonable to take such pictures, and even share such pictures with people you like, and expect some discretion, AND it’s not unreasonable to be totally bummed and feel violated or betrayed if said pictures are made public. That doesn’t make anyone stupid or naïve or a slut or a fool or any of it. It’s totally reasonable. Just because you have a nice bike doesn’t mean it’s your fault if someone steals it. Just because you’re wearing a slutty outfit doesn’t mean it’s your fault if someone fucks you against your will and just because you’ve got sexy pictures of yourself on your phone or computer does not (does NOT!) DOES NOT mean it’s your fault if some shithead hacks your phone and puts that shit everywhere. You want a world where nudity and sexuality are sins punishable by public shaming and more? Go to Afghanistan or Iran or anywhere where uptight, virginal religious psychopaths kill women for daring to have bodies and ideas about said bodies. Go cast your stones with the rest of the creeps, but fuck…leave the people who are just trying to have a little fun on this earth in peace. Sheesh.

And Kate Upton and Jennifer Lawrence, if you guys wanna talk more to an enlightened dude like me, I got your backs. Just hit me up. My aol name is fatschlongdaddy69. Love you ladies. Keep yer heads up.

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24 Responses to CELEBRITY NUDES!!!! LEAKED!

  1. Tubes says:

    People should look at this hacking/leaking stuff as a crime. It is. The last guy did it got 10 years and hopefully this guy gets the same. Kinda strange that these crimes get harsher penalties than actual rapists, so maybe we should revisit that, but I digress. All this shit was fine and good when it happens to celebs we deem as “sluts”, but it is kinda sad that all these articles and crusaders have shown up because Jennifer Lawrence is so beloved. Don’t get me wrong, she IS cool, and is probably worthy of the Voice Of Her Generation title, but I question people’s sincerity on the issue. I know that’s false equivalency, but if we are serious about respecting people’s privacy, then we have feel that way towards dicks like Donald Sterling and give him back his basketball team. And who wants to do that?

    • balls mahoney says:

      I agree with everything except the Donald Sterling part. He didn’t lose his team because of a legal issue. He lost it because his actions were against company policy of the NBA. Just like if you have an office job and you go off on some weird racist rant. You’re not breaking the law but your bosses do have the choice to fire you.

    • red lobster says:

      Is Lawrence being touted as a generational voice in some circles or is that just something you’re saying? Just asking. She strikes me as a gal I’d envision manning an Arby’s drive-thru or maybe the front counter of a day spa somewhere in the Midwest, which is to say I don’t find her exceptional in any way, but that’s me.

  2. koufax says:

    I remember the days when you had to beg a girl to take a polaroid naked… kids have it so easy today!

  3. nomatterjustchatter says:

    I agree w you brendon. Ppl suck.* puking. I’m sick of people self rightously thinking they know what’s best for everyone.pushing their dick around in peoples faces as if their shit don’t stink at all. Hell they probably dont even crap.Isnt it true as a parent that we usually don’t like ppl telling us how to raise our kids? Why ? Bcuz they’re our kids not theirs and they shld shut the fuck up. Hahaha. Our sexual expressions should be the same…ppl shld just shut the fuck up and keep fucking missionary(CALLED THAT FOR A REASON HAHAHA) style and worry about their OWN dicks and vaginas.

  4. koufax says:

    Your criticisim would be more effective if you used the proper form or “you’re”…

  5. koufax says:

    Your criticisim would be more effective if you used the proper form or “you’re”…

  6. nerd says:

    Well said BK!!
    And I think you meant of there Koufax, if you’re going to correct someone’s grammar it would be nice if you got your own right…. you huge fucking loser…

  7. barry cunt says:

    purple monkey dishwasher

  8. Shaun says:

    “Look, if we’re gonna run with this (deeply flawed) logic, here are some new maxims for you: If you don’t want to be mugged, don’t carry a wallet. If you don’t want your TV stolen and sold for a fraction of what you paid for it, then don’t have a nice TV in your house. If you don’t want to be mocked by talentless trolls for the rest of your life, then never attempt to express yourself artistically. And for fucks sake, if you don’t want shitty ex lovers to talk about your small dick/mommy issues/flappity vagina/tendency to get drunk and act like a total monster, well, then you should never ever become romantically involved with anyone.”

    The logic is solid. The problem with these deeply flawed false equivalencies is that the reward you get for carrying a wallet, having a TV, etc. is worth the risk of having them stolen.

    If, for some reason, you get a similar reward out of having nude photos of yourself on your phone, well, keep on keepin’ on, I guess, but it’s still a dumb thing to do, especially if you’re a celebrity.

    The hacker(s) are of course 99.9% to blame, but they’d never be able to steal what didn’t exist.

    • No. You’re absolutely wrong. My wife doesn’t have a wallet and my stepbrother doesn’t have a television, they’re not necessities any more than nude photos are. they’re things that some people like to have. Some people like the way that sexy pictures make them feel. Some people like sharing them and like the way that effects their relationship. A foldable bag that holds my money is no more inheriently valuable than a picture of my dick that spices up my relationship. You’re making an assumption that everyone values things the same way you do, and you sound like an old, shitty asshole. sorry.
      thank you, come again.

      • Shaun says:

        Never said they were necessities, broseph.

        People can have whatever they want, but if it’s something that carries a risk inherent to its existence, you need to understand and accept that risk. So, no, YOU’RE wrong, sorry.

      • bummy chinnels says:

        Your stepbrother doesn’t have a tv? Oh, one of those guys?

      • bummy chinnels says:

        BTW I like how you present these maxims facetiously as though they’re inherently absurd, when it fact they’re completely sensible and accurate. Things in life carry inherent risks. You play, you might pay. Shaun’s completely right. Yeah, obviously it’s OUTRAGEOUS and REPREHENSIBLE that some pockmarked goon just may make a concerted effort to swipe nudies off your phone/cloud storage accounts, and one can lament that state of affairs until blue in the face, but that’s the world we live in. Own a fly ride and it might get jacked. Play a game of pickup football and you just might get hit in such a way that you die instantly or are paralyzed for life. Snap selfies of your mediocre tits and the entire internet may get to pass judgement.

        • bummy chinnels says:

          The one exception to all this is that thankfully one can leave their home or apartment and walk around without fear of being crushed by a falling gargoyle statue. But otherwise, like, risks man.

  9. V-Visor says:

    I must say it’s irritatingly predictable that leaked nudes of a cluster of high profile, marginally-talented-at-most female celebs (like, every last one on the list) is what finally propelled you back into the blogosphere after an eight month hiatus presumably spent nurturing and instilling various positive values in your progeny

    • V-Visor says:

      PS Imagine how unpleasant Larson/Plaza can get behind closed doors when it isn’t to their direct advantage to be sweeet hehe~

  10. marie says:

    Thanks for your thoughts. I liked the way you didn’t talk about women as objects but as human beings.

  11. Navi says:

    Ray-J is a loser?

  12. Navi says:

    Ray-J is a loser?

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