Get Confident, Stupid

Happy America’s birthday, earthfolk.

This weekend I was listening to an old Howard Stern bit from right around the turn of the century featuring the Goo Goo Dolls, Jon Stewart and a bunch of gay dudes in thongs. The premise of the bit was essentially that the Goo Goo Dolls would play that “and I don’t want the world to see me” song (Iris, maybe?) and Jon Stewart, Howard and a few other dudes, who were all in sailor suits, would slow dance with all the thonged gay guys. I guess this was a re-enactment of a scene in the movie Philadelphia or something. Whatever, not the point. The bit itself hasn’t aged particularly well; it was pretty pro gay for the time, but has since shifted into mild fear-of-queers territory (particularly on the part of Jon Stewart, surprisingly enough). BUT ANYWAY THAT’S NOT THE POINT.

The point is, pre slowdance, they were interviewing the Goo Goo Dolls and Howard asked them about banging chicks on the road. The suggestion was that now that they’re a famous band, the caliber of ladies willing to suck their dicks must be through the roof. One of the dudes in the band responded something to the effect of “yeah, but these chicks are only here because we’re famous. I see these hot girls and I’m like “she wouldn’t like me if I was the janitor, you know?” to which I say, yeah, no shit. Of course not. But why the fuck is that a problem?

See, here’s the thing: straight men are dumb as hell. All we want, in terms of romance, are two things: for women to give us blowjobs and for them to love us for who we are, period. BUT, more often than not, men get blowjobs and then immediately shame the giver of the blowjob, thereby discouraging her from giving blowjobs, which is fucking stupid. And we’re just as stupid about the second part. Women tend to not care as much about physical appearance as guys do. This is a good thing, because we’re disgusting even when we’re good looking. This is also a good thing because we want women to love us just for who we are, which somehow means that no matter how fat and gross and sedentary and unambitious and resentful we become, they should still love us the same amount. It’s like a romantic’s excuse for not doing anything: She should love me for me, so what if I’m fat? She should love me for me, so what if I’m shy? She should love me for me. So what if I’m bitter? She should love me for me, so what if I’m a janitor? And so on. But the thing is, that’s a complete bullshit premise.

No disrespect to janitors here. Being a janitor is hard, honest work and it’s often pretty thankless. I think we can agree that a world without janitors is a gross and bleak one indeed. However, if you live, breathe and sleep janitorial work, you’re probably not a terribly interesting person to be around. You follow me here? Be a fucking janitor all day and all night, but at least have another interest. Be really into cooking or painting or clay or fixing cars or designing women’s shoes or reading or Judo, or animals or something. It doesn’t matter what. You just need some interests. Without interests, you have nothing, outside of the custodial arts that you can engage with someone confidently about, and (and I’ve said this before thousands upon thousands of times) women, all of them to the very last one on earth, are attracted to confidence. That is all. THAT IS THE ONLY THING THEY’RE ATTRACTED TO IN MEN. You think they like your abs? Wrong. They like the confidence that those lame abs (that make you look gay, by the way) give you. You think they like your band? Maaaaaaaybe, but what they really like is the confidence inherent in creating something, putting it out there and backing it up, and even more than that, they like the confidence that comes from total strangers coming up to you and telling you that they love you. That’s what they like, dude from the Goo Goo Dolls. The thing about the pussywagon pulling up to your band is that it’s not just about gold diggers and fame whores. In fact, it’s hardly about that at all. What it’s about is that you, Johnny Reznik have a confidence and swagger and a toughness and a vulnerability that’s all nurtured by your day job which just happens to be making middle of the road lite rock songs that are the soundtrack of moms masturbating in their Jacuzzi tubs worldwide. If you were the janitor, the implication would be that you had less ambition, less confidence and less of a dynamic range of a personality. I’m not suggesting that would actually be true, but that’s the perception, and when you’re talking about a girl walking up to you out of the blue and saying something like “can I suck your dick?” you’re pretty much dealing with initial perception.

Pro athletes are constantly up to their armpits in pussy, not because they’re rich, but because they’re dedicated and focused and intense and strong. Politicians, same shit. They’re confident and self assured and powerful and those are personality traits, and if I’m not mistaken, that’s what ‘the real me’ is, right? The sum of your personality traits.

Besides, what the fuck is ‘the real you’ anyway? If you take away Johnny Reznik’s interest in playing guitar, writing songs, his ambition to succeed, his worldliness that comes from seeing the entire planet, his confidence that comes from his art, his vulnerability that comes from his being brave enough to put some bullshit song like Iris out in the first place, what do you have? Some janitor in a Buffalo middleschool who, at first glance, has no interests or ambitions, and who is rocking a woefully inappropriate Jennifer Anniston haircut. So no shit, dude. Of course she wouldn’t like you if you were the janitor. Because that wouldn’t be you. She likes you for all the reasons that you are who you are. That’s how it works. God. How fucking pathetic can you be?

That’s all. Happy workweek. xoxoxoxo

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10 Responses to Get Confident, Stupid

  1. Nick says:

    This is becoming some of the greatest reading out there, and yes, I do yahoo, so that’s sayin something…
    I seriously enjoy the shit outta these posts

  2. Adam says:

    I really needed this this Tuesday. Thanks.

  3. koufax says:

    I anxiously await each new entry in this blog. This one, however, was stupid.

  4. PETER says:

    It would be awesome if someone played “Drugs are Good” was played by a band on Americas got Talent. That’s the song at the end of that NOFX record that he says is terrible…Aghh that would be great. Since you know, he’s a judge. He also calls them NO-Talent. Haha

  5. Kant-Hackit-up says:

    No Doyee

  6. Anonymous says:

    You’re awesome Bad sandwich!!

  7. wump-lumps (midwest frumps) says:

    (Mercifully) ignoring the sexuality distinction entirely, where’s this assertion that guys “usually” shame administrators of fellatio coming from? Perhaps it’s a prevailing tendency for you and/or within your dumbfuck-y inner circle–Dan et. al–but beyond that what’s leading you to that conclusion? I tend to be appreciative, and when I’m a surly orangutan toward “the faaairer sex” (the stiiiiinkier sex! Hoo-hoo! More aromas!), it has nothing to do with post-bj psychological warfare. But I wouldnt presume “most” guys DON’T j-shame based on that. I simply dont know what the prevailing male reaction to dome is, though “Hah! You just made me feel weeal good, you dumb slut!” seems to go against self-interest.

    “Here’s the thing–”
    “Fact is–”
    “Truth be toooold” lmao

  8. wump-lumps (midwest frumps) says:

    (Mercifully) ignoring the sexuality distinction entirely, where’s this assertion that guys “usually” shame administrators of fellatio coming from? Perhaps it’s a prevailing tendency for you and/or within your dumbfuck-y inner circle–Dan et. al–but beyond that what’s leading you to that conclusion? I tend to be appreciative, and when I’m a surly orangutan toward “the faaairer sex” (the stiiiiinkier sex! Hoo-hoo! More aromas!), it has nothing to do with post-bj psychological warfare. But I wouldnt presume “most” guys DON’T j-shame based on that. I simply dont know what the prevailing male reaction to dome is, though “Hah! You just made me feel weeal good, you dumb slut!” seems to go against self-interest.

    “Here’s the thing–”
    “Fact is–”
    “Truth be toooold” lmao

  9. wump-lumps (midwest frumps) says:

    (Mercifully) ignoring the sexuality distinction entirely, where’s this assertion that guys “usually” shame administrators of fellatio coming from? Perhaps it’s a prevailing tendency for you and/or within your dumbfuck-y inner circle–Dan et. al–but beyond that what’s leading you to that conclusion? I tend to be appreciative, and when I’m a surly orangutan toward “the faaairer sex” (the stiiiiinkier sex! Hoo-hoo! More aromas!), it has nothing to do with post-bj psychological warfare. But I wouldnt presume “most” guys DON’T j-shame based on that. I simply dont know what the prevailing male reaction to dome is, though “Hah! You just made me feel weeal good, you dumb slut!” seems to go against self-interest.

    “Here’s the thing–”
    “Fact is–”
    “Truth be toooold” lmao

  10. Justin Dehel says:

    great simpsons reference. watch out for that shame spiral.

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