Okay, let me tell you all the brutal injustices that have been heaped on me today already. Firstly, I was forced to wake up this morning. It seemed capricious and cruel. I was (and remain) so fucking tired. Getting out of a warm bed is the worst, right? Well, it only went to shit from there, because we were out of ice and I had to crack and refill all the fucking trays before making my iced coffee. That shit’s a bitch wrapped in a motherfucker, dawg. THEN, I had to shovel my breakfast down like a goddamned refugee so I could get my kid to school on time. I left the house with him, that part was fine. BUT! It was fucking COLD outside and I realized I’d forgotten my scarf. Bullshit. Now, this is where shit gets real.
Once I left my kid at school, I cruised to the train through the icy Chicago morning. By the time I arrived at the station, I was more frozen than a Ukrainian hobo. I heard the train that was leaving the station say the express train was immediately following. Sweet! Finally, a little justice, right? Wrong-o, Jack! My card had ‘error 43’ on it, whatever the fuck THAT MEANS! So I had to stand there like a dildo while the conductor reset my card. That shit had six bucks on it, man! I didn’t get to where I’m at by wiping my ass with six dollar bills whenever shit got weird, you dig? But that reset took up a crucial, CRUCIAL 90 or so seconds of my time.
Anyway, so I miss the fucking express like a goddamned clown, BUT I do get up there in time to notice that it’s practically empty as it pulls out. Bummer. That was the train to easy street city, bro. There’s another train approaching. Cool. BUT, there are a ton of motherfuckers filing onto the platform. Bummer. I scope my proper door and as the train approaches, I look to see if my favorite seat is available. It is! My favorite seat is all the way at the end of the car and isolated by a small half wall. It’s a nice spot because it keeps you away from all the rest of the shitheads on the train. Anyway, my seat is right there and empty, BUT this motherfucker barges me and swipes it. I’m dumbstruck! Mouth agape, I run to the next car over to see if my magic seat is available there, but D’oh! Not only is my seat taken, the whole fucking car is full, so I’m stuck sitting by the door like some kind of Indian hanging off the side of the Bombay express. Bullshit squared, broseph.
So, then, and this is where shit gets just downright brutal: my old lady calls me and she’s all “where are you?” and I’m all “yo, baby, I’m on the train!” and she gets all pissed and she’s like “Whaaaaaaaaaat? Why didn’t you wait for me?” and I said, “Huh?” and she said, “I gotta go. Bye.” She was mad. I was thinking, “man, I was down in the lobby getting my card fixed and then up on the platform waiting for the train for a while. I didn’t think we were meeting up, but regardless, it seems like I’d have seen her if she was waiting, right?” Wrong, Jack! I texted and said something like “where were you? I was blah blah blahing” and she’s like “yo, I just don’t believe you didn’t wait for me,” and I said sorry, but did I get a response? N! O!
Damn. Ice cold.
So THEN I had to walk in the cold, scarfless, from the train to my work all broken hearted like some kind of pussy, you dig? Now I’m sitting here and I can’t even go to the can because someone’s in there taking loud dumps and I don’t play that game, jack.
In fact, I usually crank this blog shit out at home. This is a rare exception here and one that I should really not draw attention to. DAMN! Caught in my own web of bullshit. This day is a dick kick, yo!
Also, I shaved and my face looks ridiculous. So there’s that.
I mean, I guess I could be in jail or some sort of poor crippled child or something. Sure. Sure. I could be dick deep in the shit in some crazy foreign war. I could be stuck fucking a group of dudes that I really don’t want to be fucking, but have to fuck because they’re stronger than me. I could be one of those parents who had to deal with that ‘shocking douche’ who did his best to horrify the world in that Ohio court yesterday and instead just came off as a dumb, desperate kid that’s about to be filled with gigantic black dicks for the rest of his life. I mean, I guess, I GUESS it could be worse. But shit’s bad here. I just had to order Chipotle and it made me hungry and now I have to sit here all hungry and wait until NOOON for my fucking Chipotle!
Life’s not fair, bro. Life’s not fair.
I am This is This is.guy. dad. husband. uncle. dog master. brother. son. uh...bad sleeper. some farts.