I got some quirks, people. Lemme tell you just a few of them. If I’m in bed and there’s even the slightest thimbleful of pee in my bladder, I have to get up and pee. There’s no possible way for me to ignore it for even a second. Since I’m a light sleeper and I tend to wake up about 5 times in an evening, and EVERY single one of those times, there’s at least a tiny dribbles’ worth of pee relaxing in my bladder, I’m up 4-5 times a night. It’s not because my bladder is particularly active, it’s more like an OCD situation, I guess. Laying there with pee in my bladder, even trace amounts, makes my mind race in unfortunate ways.
Shifting gears a bit, there are certain textures I can’t touch without getting super grossed out. They’re normal textures by all accounts, but to me they’re REAL rough. Some of the worst ones are super soft velvet, whatever that material that fleeces are made out of…I guess wool…whatever that wool treatment is that makes your Northface fleece feel the way it does (you dork), I can’t stand that. I also hate the feeling of newspapers. This one is really, really bad. The cheaper the newsprint, the more horrific it becomes. This textural aversion has roots in my fingertips and is somehow connected to my teeth. As in, the shorter my nails are, the more sensitive I am to texture and the main place I feel discomfort is in my teeth for some reason. I have attempted to explain this to a lot of people and, aside from Sean Nader, who suffers from a similar, but distinct affliction, nobody has any idea what the fuck I could possibly be talking about.
I absolutely will not voice my opinion about a movie until we’re out of the theater and away from anyone else who just watched the movie. I can’t stand when the lights come up and people ask “So, what did you think?” For one thing, man, this shit JUST ended. Gimme a second. For another, I don’t like just stuffing my opinion up other peoples’ dickholes simply because they happen to be standing around. But it’s not because I’m ashamed of my opinion. It’s more because I, for some reason (and this is stupid, and I feel stupid even for typing it) don’t think the people around me DESERVE to hear my opinion. I know. It’s stupid. My opinion totally sucks about 99% of the time. This isn’t a rational thing, but it’s deeply ingrained.
I’m jumpy. If you surprise me, the chances are, I’ll squeal like a little girl. My son has the same thing. My daughter, interestingly, does not, despite actually BEING a little girl. My jumpiness is so severe that even if I’m looking right at you, you can potentially get a squeal out of me just by moving suddenly.
I’ve mentioned this before, but if I go too long without making something, I start to panic, like palm sweat, wake up in the night with my heart racing, panic. When I AM creating, I’ll write like 4 or more songs a day, or bang out 25 pages of a script in one sitting until I’ve got something I’m satisfied with and then I’ll stop until the panic starts again and the whole process repeats.
I’m very easily intimidated by people, including my friends, which is weird, because I’m a domineering asshole in almost every situation I’m in, but I don’t recognize that while it’s happening. It’s only in hindsight that I realize that possibly, my shitty attitude could be perceived as intimidating. In fact, I’m often intimidated by strangers. I’m obsessed with whether or not the fat lady at the 7-11 by my work likes me. Logically, I don’t know how she could like me because all I ever do is buy a Coco Café and say “thanks!” but for some reason, I think there’s a tension there. I don’t know how to say hi to random people without it being either too desperate sounding or too callous. As a result, I’ve got a bunch of people in my neighborhood and work area that I see every day but who I can’t interact with.
I still remember every single name of every single kid in my kindergarten class. It went Luke, Brendan (that’s me), Suzie, Edward, Bobby, Jennifer H, Jennifer K, Chris, Oliver, Barry, Diane, Cathy, Hunter, Evan and LaTonya. That shit was 31 years ago. I think about that list of names every single day, not in any sort of “where are they now” way, but abstractly, as a string of words.
I can’t lie. My hands begin shaking and I begin breathing very heavily if I have to lie. This has gotten me in a lot of trouble, particularly with cops and border guards and intimidating people like that.
If there’s cottage cheese in my house I’ll eat the whole tub in one sitting, no matter what. It’s something I simply can’t be around at all. I don’t have that problem with any traditional stuff (chips, bottles of whiskey etc) but man…if there’s cottage cheese I have to get at it til it’s gone. What else?
I once went a year and only took 3 showers. I didn’t smell either. It was only immediately after the showers that I’d stink for a few days and then the stink would dissipate. When typing, if I get to a word that’s flagged as misspelled by spell check, I absolutely MUST stop and try and try and try until I spell the word right. It doesn’t matter how important or fleeting the idea is that I’m trying to get down. I CAN’T bear to have that red line under a real word (I can ignore it if it’s under a word like shitplug, for example).
I don’t know…This could go on and on. You people are weird too, right? Good. Good to hear. I’m sure this was a fascinating read.
- @tigersgoroooar whoa! Slow down. I bought this bed!! about 6 hours ago from Twitter for iPhone in reply to tigersgoroooar
- RT @TheNardvark: It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting. about 7 hours ago from Twitter for iPhone
- It should go without saying, but the Cents Gents is a dudes only affair. Unless any ladies wanna join. Then we'll need a new name. about 12 hours ago from Twitter for iPhone
- y'all wanna start a money saving club called the "Cents Gents?' Our main thing'll be telling people our name & then getting our asses kicked about 13 hours ago from web
- @tigersgoroooar I don't know...I'm a pretty cool teen. I think I'd know a thing or two about this. about 15 hours ago from web in reply to tigersgoroooar
- @tigersgoroooar dude...don't badmouth sexting. it's all that's left. about 15 hours ago from web in reply to tigersgoroooar
- RT @TheLawrenceArms: (2 of 2). It was our own mistake and we promise to make up the appearance soon! Sorry and thanks for being cool! And t… about 15 hours ago from web
- RT @TheLawrenceArms: Hey y'all. The rumors are true. Due to an internal scheduling miscommunication TLA is not playing montebello rock fest… about 15 hours ago from web
- what the fuck are those little boxes you guys are always tweeting & how come they're funny? I mean..because boxes aren't funny. Moving sucks about 17 hours ago from web
- Okay everyone! Here's my thoughts on the rest of 2013: Let's all try not to kill or die tragically or anything. Can we at LEAST go 1 month? about 19 hours ago from web
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I am This is This is.guy. dad. husband. uncle. dog master. brother. son. uh...bad sleeper. some farts.