Kids, older kids, like teens to about 20, are more conservative than grownups. It’s true. Now, don’t get me wrong, kids are crazy and they’re into a lot more stupid and reckless shit than grownups are, but they’re vastly more conservative. What do I mean? Take the following example: I’m dating someone. They fuck somebody else. If I’m a grownup, I may be hurt, I’ll probably be real hurt, in fact, but chances are, I’ll be like “eh…that shit happens a lot. It sucks. Time to move on.” If I’m a kid, a TEEN, I’m more likely to see this transgression as a HUGE A) Character flaw B) Insult to the very fiber of my being C) an unforgivable sin. Right? It’s just bigger. Therefore, adults (who have much more to lose in the face of infidelity, since we’re old and gross and no one wants to handle our wrinkly old balls and flapjack tits any more) are generally easier on infidelity than teens. This is particularly interesting because teens tend to be doing a lot more extraneous fucking than grownups. Eh…maybe this last bit isn’t true. I don’t’ know. I’ve only ever fucked one grownup.
What I do know is that when it comes to social conservativism, response to infidelity is a good meterstick, and the teens lose.
Here’s another example, and actually what got me thinking about this in the first place: My kid sometimes wears sunglasses to school in the morning if it’s really bright. We walk east, right into the sun and he requests them. His sunglasses are Jagermeister branded sunglasses. The reason why is simple: I played Riot Fest Toronto, which was sponsored by Jager, and I ended up coming home with all sorts of Jager shit. Now, would I personally ever wear Jager sunglasses? No. But, my kid, who’s 4, is a perfect example of someone who should be wearing disposable sunglasses that can be easily lost or broken. Were I my son, I could very easily see myself as a teen saying something to the effect of “it’s crazy, my old man used to put me in JAGERMEISTER SUNGLASSES when I was only FOUR! That’s a fucked up message, man!” I can hear the response from my friends: “wow. That is TOTALLY fucked up.” But it’s not. He’s a kid and he needs sunglasses. And I’m a grownup who can’t be buying expensive ass sunglasses for a four year old every week. He can’t even read, and even if he could, he doesn’t know what Jager is. And even if he DID, WHO FUCKING CARES? It’s not like I’m giving him shots or buying him hookers. I won’t get into that shit til he’s like 19 at least.
As a teen, there’s such a need to infuse subtext into everything, there’s such a need to be constantly outraged, and as a grownup…I don’t know how to put it so it doesn’t sound sad…your soul dies? Eh, kind of. But not being completely high strung about every little thing, every single perceived slight, every mistake someone makes…it’s really a much nicer way to live.
Now, I probably dress more conservatively than I used to, but that’s only because old guys dressed like teenagers look like idiots. I party less, but that’s because old guys that party like 21 year olds are disgusting. I constantly hear stories of people who remember being kids and telling their moms to put on bras or to wear longer dresses. Kids are the real conservatives out there, the buzzkills. I tell you what.
And do you know why? Because the world is gross and dark. When you’re a kid, you still believe in things and you hold people up to crazy idealized standards that humans can’t really live up to. You deify your heroes and vilify anyone who doesn’t fit into your world view. Shit, as a kid I remember just antagonizing the shit out of random strangers because I didn’t like their clothes. You probably remember doing something similar and thinking it was crazy and out there behavior. But it’s not. That shit’s not ‘edgy’ or ‘wild.’ That’s STRAIGHT UP religious zealot behavior. That’s what the Taliban does, man. And make no mistake, there’s not a lot of organizations out there more conservative than the Taliban.
Anyway, in closing, settle down, kids. Everyone else: send me pictures of your beavers and cans and wangs. Let’s party. We’re all grownups here.
I am This is This is.guy. dad. husband. uncle. dog master. brother. son. uh...bad sleeper. some farts.