So, you know what the nerds are upset about now? The co-opting of ‘nerd culture’ by hot chicks. It seems I can’t go anywhere without hearing nerds wailing about this. “When did liking nerd shit become cool? Why are people pretending to like science? Have you seen that ‘yay science!’ facebook page? That shit’s not science!!! It’s just trivia! This is a bunch of bullshit! Why are these hot chicks pretending that they like Star Wars and World of Warcraft and ComiCon etc? Do they think it’s somehow ‘cool’ to be a nerd now? Fuck that!” and on and on and on and on like this. I don’t know if you’ve heard any of these complaints, but in the last 3 or so months I feel like they’re everywhere. It’s all over the internet, this ‘nerd backlash,’ and even Howard Stern, notorious nerd-done-good, devoted some time to this topic on his show last week. To this, I can only say: hey nerds, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Now, I’ve discussed this before in this space. I’m a nerd, a genuine, real life nerd. I am not a pretender to the nerd throne. I was bred of hearty nerd stock. I took all the smart kid classes. I played Dungeons and Dragons, read Piers Anthony novels, voraciously consumed science fiction, lit a candle for the Latin National Honors society, collected comic books, made up my own role playing games, drew my own comics, sucked at sports, got teased and called a faggot by bigger boys, was friends with my teachers, did well on the SAT’s and got a scholarship to college. Throughout this, I did it without ever even ONCE getting a detention or getting in any kind of trouble in school EVER. I listened to heavy metal music. I was (and remain) afraid of scary movies (which…that one could really go either way. I guess there are two kinds of nerds, isolated bloodlust nerds, and pussy nerds. I was a pussy nerd, which I personally think is the superior type of nerd, just saying).
Yes, I got to a certain age and I started skateboarding and playing in bands, and as a result of that stuff I started getting access to girls’ tits etc. But that didn’t shake my fundamental core nerd-dom. In fact, when describing the band I’m in, one of the words that comes up a lot (especially in discussing our 2003 album Greatest Story Ever Told) is ‘nerdy.’ A lot of punks, in fact, start out as nerds. If you doubt the truth of this statement, look no further than such little known punk acts as Descendents, NOFX, Bad Religion, Nomeansno,…hell, even Jawbreaker, these bands were conceptualized and fronted by nerds, folks. That those nerds grew up to be idiosyncratic is pretty much a given, as that’s the way nerds tend to grow up. That their output was considered ‘cool’ by non nerds…that’s what’s interesting. But I’m digressing.
The point is, throughout my entire life, I would have given ANYTHING for a hot chick that loved Star Wars and D&D and rare comics and dorky books written by weird Russians and shit. Have you ever seen the movie Revenge Of The Nerds?!?!?! It’s ALL ABOUT converting hot chicks into nerds! That’s the nerd final solution. So now it’s here and you fucking nerds don’t like it!?!?! Jesus fucking Christ! What’s wrong with you? It’s so fucking pathetic I don’t even know where to begin. If you’re starving and someone offers you a beautifully cooked steak (or vegan equivalent…an amazing kale bowl full of kidney beans, seitan, and tahini…whatever) is your response “why the fuck does this steak suddenly want to be in me? It’s a bunch of bullshit!” No. Fuck no. To borrow a phrase from Office Space, I think you’d get your ass kicked for saying something like that, man. Listen, when the hot chicks decide to fetishize you for a second, there’s no point in crying about how unfair it is. They’re hot chicks. They’re notorious for being able to do whatever they want, whenever they want. You are powerless, nerds, absolutely powerless to stop them. So fuck a few while you have the chance and thank your goddamned lucky stars that you were a nerd during that great, brief flash of a renaissance when hot chicks were into nerd culture.
I mean, I can’t tell you how many days I’ve spent listening to dorks sit around and weep about how chicks only like assholes or they only like jocks or guys in bands or whatever. “I’m a nice, smart guy and I’ve got some fascinating interests but because they’re not ‘cool’ I can’t get laid.” Well, boo. Fuck you. Fuck you in your pathetic nerd pussy, because that’s really what this shit is about, innit?
When the chicks hated nerd shit, that was a convenient excuse for why nerds couldn’t get laid/meet girls/whatever. Now that nerd interests are becoming more universal, it turns out that it’s not your diorama of painted mini orc figurine phalanxes acting as your own personal chastity belt, it’s YOU. YOU ARE NOT A PARIAH BECAUSE YOU’RE A NERD. YOU ARE A PARIAH BECAUSE YOU SUCK TO BE AROUND. There’s a big difference. And THAT’S what this is about. The diapers are down and they’re dirty. Boo fucking hoo.
This whole hew and cry reminds me of the early 90’s when suddenly punks went from saying shit like “the radio doesn’t play any good music” to “why the fuck is the radio playing Green Day and Jawbreaker. This is bullshit!” There’s no pleasing anyone. So your ‘subculture’ has been co-opted by a bunch of uncreative assholes. Big deal. You know who that happens to? Everyone. Try sitting down with a black guy in his 40’s who grew up in a black inner city neighborhood and explaining your problem with your precious little batch of ideas and idiosyncrasies being co-opted by people that you despise, by people who used to pick on you, by people who STILL pick on you and now decry you as inauthentic, despite the fact that you were doing all this shit first. How do you think that conversation is gonna go?
You nerds really think you’re the first? Get fucked, nerds. Black culture has been co-opted by dorky suburban jocks. Metal was co-opted by lipstick wearing rapists in the 80’s. Punk was co-opted by fat teenaged girls. Your precious intellectual bounty has been taken over by hot chicks and you’re crying about it? Get fucked, I say. Get all the way fucked.
guy. dad. husband. uncle. dog master. brother. son. uh...bad sleeper. some farts.
Thank you. For fuck’s sake, thank you.
Best rant. Also delurking to add: Some girls ALSO grew up as complete outcast comic-lovin’, gifted-class takin’ nerds and wound up hot, just like some outcast nerd boys grew up to be cool. I KNOW THAT’S SHOCKING AND MIND-BLOWING AND SHIT BUT WELCOME TO NOT BEING UNIQUE.
YOU ARE NOT A PARIAH BECAUSE YOU’RE A NERD. YOU ARE A PARIAH BECAUSE YOU SUCK TO BE AROUND.
Preach it, brother.
Nah man. Nah. This started to take root, roughly a decade ago? Maybe Shannon Elizabeth was the first? Ya know, hot young white female celebs professing to be ‘huge nerdz’ in interviews etc, and then conventional girls taking heed. Anyway, like anything that’s appropriated, only trite surface aesthetics and cues make it through. I mean, no conventionally hot person of either gender who’s appropriated nerd shit has really delved into the bowels. They can name a few “hot” comic writers of the moment and maaaybe even know the ins n outs of…the STAR WARS mythos–a SUREFIRE sign of GENUINE esoteric geekdom circa 2013!! Picking it up? Cuz I’m laying it down pretty thick hurr hurr. The result is a bunch of (hot, socially-acceptable) faux-nerds responding (only) to other (hot, socially acceptable) faux-nerds. None of those cats are delving into the Piers Anthony back catalog dawg. You know that shit. So yeah, I can certainly see why GENUINE dweebs ala adolescent you, who will ALWAYS be pariahs, would be irritated. The male equivalents, who are actually tapping that “nerd” pussy, are your typical pragmatic “real boy” strategists and not complaining.
That last line–not a flattering description. I was empathizing with the geek mentality there. I mean, Star Wars is like Lord of the Rings at this point–every Doritos eating, Code Red drinking, faggot-teasing “real boy” knows those like the back of their hands now. There’s no longer any nerd authenticity there.
That logic is lame. A girl genuinely likes Star Wars and Batman comics and some dork is going to hold it against her that she hasn’t read each and every back novel or issue dating back 60 years?
It’s bullshit. Brendan’s right. Girls don’t not like you because you (speaking proverbially here) play WOW and have an Arwen cutout in your bedroom.. it’s because you suck. I know a whole bunch of “authentic nerds” who are condescending pricks with no social skills and a misdirected disdain for people who do.
Amen.. Thank you..
Hey, ya know what’d be neat, kanthackit? Try articulating a point yourself for once instead of a three word echo or dismissal of someone else’s complete sentences. You dickbump.
Sound logic is lame to you, I guess? That’s cool. What I’m alluding to isn’t so much about authentic geeks (ya know, like, the way the term was used in the ’80s–not the watered down, socially acceptable, pridefully self-ascribed iteration that adheres lockstep to a set of affectations like quoting Star Wars and attending Comic Con as Mega Man or whatever that passes for “geeky” today) inexplicably poo-pooing hot girls (or dudes!) suddenly ostensibly embracing their passions…it’s just the same old case of the real deal feeling spiteful towards those they feel aren’t. “Poseurs” vs the genuine article. There’s a smug elitism threaded in there compounding the whole thing too. I didn’t claim the mentality to be totally justified, just that I get it.
Although, yea, Beeex is absolutely right in that they’d be far wiser to just suck it up and maybe shut up about the REAL obscure shit that’s sure to send “nerd-lite” running for the hills and try and parlay it into some pussy.
I mean, you just echo’d what I was getting at by citing Batman/Star Wars. Reading some Batman comics or having a sound grip on the plotlines of the Star Wars films is what merits the “nerd” label these days. There’s a hip factor to it all that there wasn’t a decade or two back. Being a proud “geek” circa now is just another acceptable social avenue which WON’T limi one’s lunch table options to the three other outcasts like it would in 1985 or something.
congratulations on proving Brendan’s point
Implying…I come off as the ‘angry nerd’ he speaks of? Look, I found his rant sorta disingenuous and reductive. To point out why, I had to distinguish between real nerds (ala BK’s self-described childhood) and uh, not that. If in doing so I gave the impression I side with the angry nerds, it isn’t the case. I don’t have a dog in this fight. He started off with the term “co-opted”, which is accurate, and then sorta ignored that implication as if it’s as cut/dry as “Hot girlz are now nerds/male nerds are STILL unhappy!” For one, that species (smokin hot [actual] female nerd) doesn’t exist. Sorry. That remains the holy grail of male dweeb fantasy for a reason. Show me a real life (insert celeb hottie!) with a mastery of old analog RPGs/bookshelf of old obscure sci fi/orc figurine collection/solid grip on computer programming and I’ll shit out a unicorn.
No, more like “regular” attractive teen/twenty-something girls are wearing non-prescription frames, novelty tees with “nerdy” puns, attending two consecutive comic cons (!), watching Scott Pilgrim a lot, willing themselves into a Michael Cera crush (lolz) and calling it “nerd” as a calculated choice of aesthetic, all while most likely still not giving the fucking time of day to the real mccoys, who to be fair, ARE likely social cripples. You know it, I know it, we all know it. I mean, let’s at least be accurate about what’s actually transpiring. So yeah, if nerd culture is like, uh, every other subculture on the planet, there’s some shitty spite towards perceived poseurs/wannabes. Yawn. Here, likely compounded by the hot “poseur-nerd’ ladies probably snubbing the real deal (omg TOO nerdy). I imagine that if hot chicks were becoming *actual* hardcore nerds and mingling with/fucking hardcore male nerds, then the latter would be ecstatic. I’m pretty sure that’s not what’s actually happening. Or maybe I’m just that out of touch. But I don’t think so. Most importantly, I don’t give a shit despite what this diatribe would suggest. It is all very funny though. I love it
Did you take something from that banana dong? After all it’s a far more legit response than you deserved
You’re a bit of a dick, aren’t you?
Excellent rebuttal etc
This was wonderful.
I AM YOUR GOD!!! WORSHIP ME NERDS!!!
I remember when I was fourteen and Bad Religion was the first punk band I got real real into. When I found out the the lead singer was in the process of getting his doctorate in Evolutionary Biology, I thought it was so fucking cool because biology was my favorite class my freshmen year of high school. I ended up deciding to be a Biology major a couple years down the line and start a career in that field. Definitely a nerd.
Totally forgot my original point, which is this: Hot girls, like all other human beings, like to be around interesting and engaging people, regardless of what subculture of media you consume/create. Work on putting yourself in situations where you have to be around girls and develop some social skills. Good rant, Bk.
Well said Brendan. Speaking of nerds, i just moved to Chicago and know no one but my girlfriend. I need friends here. Help fucker!
“…I started getting access to girls tits etc” classic
access ha
“What the fuck are robster craws?”
The whole nerd in-fighting thing reminds me a lot of what bored me about the punk scene. Overall, I’ve always identified with that group, but when it comes down to the “who is more punk” argument, I’m just… God, so bored. Don’t care. And it’s the same deal here, really, these people co-opted our style, but they don’t KNOW the scene like I do. Bunch of posers.
But it’s really unfair to say that just because someone is objectively attractive, they couldn’t possibly be interested in the same thing as you are. And if they say they’re interested in it… well… I mean maybe they are a little, but they’re not SERIOUSLY into it. Bunch of posers.
I apparently don’t look like “the type” that would be into WoW (even though I’ve wasted God knows how many hours of my life raiding), nor do I look like the type that would go to punk shows, based on reactions I get when I tell people that these are things I’m into. For every “hey, that’s cool” reaction I get to either, there’s the guy that acts like I’m somehow intruding on his culture for “points.” I did a few MTG tournaments, but when you feel like either a zoo exhibit or an unwanted interloper, they become a lot less fun.
So yeah, it’s not because you’re nerds that I don’t want to hang out. It’s because you act like dicks when I do.
i think nerds just get frustrated because they’re idealistic. who wants a tourist? sure dicksucks and cock grinds are nice but a lack of hunger is offputting and never alleviates the fabricated facade of depression (completely integral to wear the nerdcrown.) sure you play your part and conjure up an ego that’s ingratiating and totally a turn on intellectually. but you’re still a tool for dick. so… am i talking about the nerd or the poser now? bottom line, EVERYONE’s personality sucks except for when it doesn’t. hooray for crapshoots. vaginas are for fags anyway. it’s way less gay to win sex from a man. –will arnett
Apparently hot people are still ASSHOLES. Thats no surprise. Their mass manipulative tactics to get attention and beat the, nah I still dont like you inferrior/superiority identity crisis over the head tactics are primitive and im lol. . Lol, usually the high-maintaince type-man or woman. Super hot men are dicks as well. Sorry to bust your nutz bitch, but YOU ARE ugly.finding common ground with anyone is not hard when u open your head and heart to the possibilities.were all human, with this grotesque desire to be perfect in order to feel happiness. Break the shell of illusion and youll find it faster
Bravo.
This is the funniest post I’ve read here in a long time! Awesome stuff!