So, you know what the nerds are upset about now? The co-opting of ‘nerd culture’ by hot chicks. It seems I can’t go anywhere without hearing nerds wailing about this. “When did liking nerd shit become cool? Why are people pretending to like science? Have you seen that ‘yay science!’ facebook page? That shit’s not science!!! It’s just trivia! This is a bunch of bullshit! Why are these hot chicks pretending that they like Star Wars and World of Warcraft and ComiCon etc? Do they think it’s somehow ‘cool’ to be a nerd now? Fuck that!” and on and on and on and on like this. I don’t know if you’ve heard any of these complaints, but in the last 3 or so months I feel like they’re everywhere. It’s all over the internet, this ‘nerd backlash,’ and even Howard Stern, notorious nerd-done-good, devoted some time to this topic on his show last week. To this, I can only say: hey nerds, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Now, I’ve discussed this before in this space. I’m a nerd, a genuine, real life nerd. I am not a pretender to the nerd throne. I was bred of hearty nerd stock. I took all the smart kid classes. I played Dungeons and Dragons, read Piers Anthony novels, voraciously consumed science fiction, lit a candle for the Latin National Honors society, collected comic books, made up my own role playing games, drew my own comics, sucked at sports, got teased and called a faggot by bigger boys, was friends with my teachers, did well on the SAT’s and got a scholarship to college. Throughout this, I did it without ever even ONCE getting a detention or getting in any kind of trouble in school EVER. I listened to heavy metal music. I was (and remain) afraid of scary movies (which…that one could really go either way. I guess there are two kinds of nerds, isolated bloodlust nerds, and pussy nerds. I was a pussy nerd, which I personally think is the superior type of nerd, just saying).
Yes, I got to a certain age and I started skateboarding and playing in bands, and as a result of that stuff I started getting access to girls’ tits etc. But that didn’t shake my fundamental core nerd-dom. In fact, when describing the band I’m in, one of the words that comes up a lot (especially in discussing our 2003 album Greatest Story Ever Told) is ‘nerdy.’ A lot of punks, in fact, start out as nerds. If you doubt the truth of this statement, look no further than such little known punk acts as Descendents, NOFX, Bad Religion, Nomeansno,…hell, even Jawbreaker, these bands were conceptualized and fronted by nerds, folks. That those nerds grew up to be idiosyncratic is pretty much a given, as that’s the way nerds tend to grow up. That their output was considered ‘cool’ by non nerds…that’s what’s interesting. But I’m digressing.
The point is, throughout my entire life, I would have given ANYTHING for a hot chick that loved Star Wars and D&D and rare comics and dorky books written by weird Russians and shit. Have you ever seen the movie Revenge Of The Nerds?!?!?! It’s ALL ABOUT converting hot chicks into nerds! That’s the nerd final solution. So now it’s here and you fucking nerds don’t like it!?!?! Jesus fucking Christ! What’s wrong with you? It’s so fucking pathetic I don’t even know where to begin. If you’re starving and someone offers you a beautifully cooked steak (or vegan equivalent…an amazing kale bowl full of kidney beans, seitan, and tahini…whatever) is your response “why the fuck does this steak suddenly want to be in me? It’s a bunch of bullshit!” No. Fuck no. To borrow a phrase from Office Space, I think you’d get your ass kicked for saying something like that, man. Listen, when the hot chicks decide to fetishize you for a second, there’s no point in crying about how unfair it is. They’re hot chicks. They’re notorious for being able to do whatever they want, whenever they want. You are powerless, nerds, absolutely powerless to stop them. So fuck a few while you have the chance and thank your goddamned lucky stars that you were a nerd during that great, brief flash of a renaissance when hot chicks were into nerd culture.
I mean, I can’t tell you how many days I’ve spent listening to dorks sit around and weep about how chicks only like assholes or they only like jocks or guys in bands or whatever. “I’m a nice, smart guy and I’ve got some fascinating interests but because they’re not ‘cool’ I can’t get laid.” Well, boo. Fuck you. Fuck you in your pathetic nerd pussy, because that’s really what this shit is about, innit?
When the chicks hated nerd shit, that was a convenient excuse for why nerds couldn’t get laid/meet girls/whatever. Now that nerd interests are becoming more universal, it turns out that it’s not your diorama of painted mini orc figurine phalanxes acting as your own personal chastity belt, it’s YOU. YOU ARE NOT A PARIAH BECAUSE YOU’RE A NERD. YOU ARE A PARIAH BECAUSE YOU SUCK TO BE AROUND. There’s a big difference. And THAT’S what this is about. The diapers are down and they’re dirty. Boo fucking hoo.
This whole hew and cry reminds me of the early 90’s when suddenly punks went from saying shit like “the radio doesn’t play any good music” to “why the fuck is the radio playing Green Day and Jawbreaker. This is bullshit!” There’s no pleasing anyone. So your ‘subculture’ has been co-opted by a bunch of uncreative assholes. Big deal. You know who that happens to? Everyone. Try sitting down with a black guy in his 40’s who grew up in a black inner city neighborhood and explaining your problem with your precious little batch of ideas and idiosyncrasies being co-opted by people that you despise, by people who used to pick on you, by people who STILL pick on you and now decry you as inauthentic, despite the fact that you were doing all this shit first. How do you think that conversation is gonna go?
You nerds really think you’re the first? Get fucked, nerds. Black culture has been co-opted by dorky suburban jocks. Metal was co-opted by lipstick wearing rapists in the 80’s. Punk was co-opted by fat teenaged girls. Your precious intellectual bounty has been taken over by hot chicks and you’re crying about it? Get fucked, I say. Get all the way fucked.