Thursday is Valentine’s day, and a good time to reflect on things like (if you’re me or my wife) how our car is dying and tax season is looming. But for a lot of you, Valentine’s day is about one thing: boning. Boning, for those of you unfamiliar with it, is when two people bond any of their many excreting parts together for a while with the intention of making them excrete stuff. It can be the best or worst thing in the world, depending on how into it you are, and, while we’ve made up a lot of euphemisms that circle around the idea of boning, none is so prevalent as “love,” which actually has very little to do with boning, but is an awesome thing in its own right, no two ways about it.
Love and boning have become conflated because good boning will often lead to love and on certain, very specific occasions, love makes people want to bone. However, in my experience this is very rare. I love quite a few people that I’d never consider boning in a zillion years (the guys in my band, my parents, my kids, childhood chums, the creators of That Mitchell and Webb Look etc.) and there are plenty of people that I can intellectually see sharing a truly awesome bone sesh with that I would never, ever love. I love my wife, and we bone, but I wanted to bone her from the first moment I saw her, and loved her only after realizing that she was good to be around, talk to and also bone.
Yet, we bind love and boning together because, well, that’s what you do here on earth. You try to organize the chaos as best you can and here in the US of Goddamned A, we tend to be pretty shy about boning and we’ve decided arbitrarily that boning is okay if love is involved, and twisted if it’s not. That’s a little weird. That’s sort of like saying it’s only okay to surf if you’re hungry, otherwise it’s a sin. But, whatever. I get it. Hell, I was born into these ideas so they’re pretty fundamental to me, and I’m guessing they’re pretty fundamental to you too. So there you go. Love, boning. Etc. What a thrill. Thank god we have a day devoted to it.
Now, speaking of boning as we were, one thing that freaks American old people out more than almost anything is the promiscuous teenager. There are practical reasons for that (teenagers are stupid and irresponsible and their babies end up, best case scenario: being taken care of by the teenager’s parents, who thought they were done with this child rearing bullshit, or, worst case scenario: beating the shit out of you and stealing your stuff because no one raised them at all) and there are impractical reasons (sex is terrifying! I can’t bear the idea of how much great sex teens may be having. It’s in stark contrast to how much of any kind of sex I’m no longer having!) but the end result is the same. Motherfuckers don’t want the teenagers boning. This is akin to me announcing that I don’t want soufflés to rise, or that I don’t want airplanes to fly or that I don’t want the Globetrotters to put on a whimsical show. Sure, they don’t HAVE to do the stuff they’re designed to do. They can just sit there, but that’s at odds with their ingrained purpose.
Teenagers want to bone and they frequently do. And so grownups make up all sorts of hilarious stuff, titillating, horrific, outlandish tales of crazy shit that goes on, like ‘rainbow parties’ where every girl wears a different color of lipstick and they all take turns sucking a bunch of dicks and at the end the dicks all look like rainbows. I mean, have you ever heard such nonsense?
Look, I don’t even know where to begin with this, but let me start by saying that I sincerely doubt there are too many places where you’re gonna find a bunch of girls willing to line up to give blowjobs to a forest of random dicks. SURE, I can see one isolated incident here and there, but as someone who was out there in the trenches for a long time just attempting to get one girl at a time to give me one blowjob (and I was the singer of a fucking band!) I can assure you that blowjobs are not this free, easy currency implied by the rainbow party. In fact, if any such rainbow party DOES exist, I’d wager everything I own that it was inspired by this ‘teens-be-fucking’ hysteria and not the other way around. It also bears mentioning that getting lipstick to stay on a dick is no easy task, and once you get past red and onto colors like yellow or green or pink or blue, forget about it. This is some bullshit, folks. That’s all there is to it.
I read today about this thing now where kids are wearing different colored jelly bracelets and if someone pulls the bracelet off, they get to do whatever sex act is denoted by the color of said removed bracelet with you. So if I pull off your blue bracelet, I get to fuck you in the ass, for example. That’s how the logic here goes. This is an actual thing I read about on the news. Does this happen? Fuck no, this shit doesn’t happen.
Again, maybe, MAYBE I can see a case or two of this in a group of friends who like and trust each other (rightly or wrongly), you know, like maybe 2 guys and 2 girls who are all comfortable with each other or whatever…but there is NO WAY that people are randomly walking around with bracelets and suddenly getting them snapped off by whoever happens to be walking by and saying “oh, what’s that one? Burgundy? Okay, I’ll lick your asshole after school. Meet me in the library.” That shit is just not happening. If it is, once again, this ‘news story’ is the inspiration, not the expose.
But anyway, Valentine’s day….I’m getting my wife Jelly bracelets and lipsticks. Should be a party.
- @tigersgoroooar Whooooooooooa! now. I'm talking about (cups hands, points over shoulder) (whispering) the uggos. Shhhhhh. about 5 hours ago from web in reply to tigersgoroooar
- It's weird to think that most of you have had sex, because most of you are so...(trails off) I mean...who..? nah. Nevermind. Nothing. about 5 hours ago from web
- I'd rather shake hands with your dick than stand behind you in line and smell your fucking patchouli. about 5 hours ago from web
- they invented the phrase 'come to think of it' to describe me at 16 and any vagina in the world. about 6 hours ago from web
- who the fuck is Kanye West? about 6 hours ago from web
- If your last name is Surgery, Enlargement or Breath, please consider naming your child Dick. #goodone! about 7 hours ago from Twitter for iPhone
- @RedScareToby broke out the good wedding tshirt, eh? #niiiiiiice about 8 hours ago from Twitter for iPhone in reply to RedScareToby
- Does twitter do prom? about 8 hours ago from Twitter for iPhone
- I don't like to brag, but I do it anyway, because I've got amazing self discipline. about 9 hours ago from web
- @tigersgoroooar oh man. You're super. This is the best day ever! about 10 hours ago from web in reply to tigersgoroooar
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I am This is This is.guy. dad. husband. uncle. dog master. brother. son. uh...bad sleeper. some farts.