Danger is my Pseudonym!

Anthony Weiner seems like he’s probably not the best husband in the world. He sends pictures of his dick and dirty texts (or ‘sexts’ to use the parlance of our time) to people he meets on the internet, and potentially in real life too. I don’t know.  An important aspect to these dirty texts is that there’s not really any playfulness involved, as in, they don’t seem like jokes. There are texts that are like:

Her: I’m bored.

Him: maybe you should send me a picture of your tits. That sounds like a fun, interesting way to pass the time, right?

And then there are texts like:

Her: I’m bored.

Him: Well, why don’t you reach down and play with your wet pussy while I stroke my big thick….

You get the idea. The first one is crass and lame, but pretty innocent. The second one is just dirrrrrrrrrrty. Anthony Weiner (using the TOTALLY KICK ASS pseudonym ‘Carlos Danger’) is sending the second kinds of texts. The dirty ones. This seems like a lame thing for a married guy to do.
BUT, what the fuck? We don’t know what his deal is with his wife. We don’t know. She may LOVE that he sends texts like that to strange ladies. That may be the only way she can achieve orgasm. We don’t know. OR, maybe she HATES fucking and just wants him to leave her alone.  Again, we have no idea.

Everyone in the media is so quick to sensationalize and sexualize everything one second, and then immediately turn around and puritanically condemn any bit of lasciviousness without any regard for anything at all, except for what gets the horde a-hootin and a-hollerin. That’s the endgame, so however it plays best, that’s where everyone’s setting their moral compass. It sucks.

Gavin McInnes first gained fame as a hilarious guy who helped start Vice Magazine and conceptualized/wrote the Vice fashion Do’s and Don’ts which many people credit with being ground zero for the ‘hipster movement’ (whatever the fuck that even means anymore). He’s super opinionated and a funny writer and I read an interview with him once where he was asked how he decides if something is a Do or a Don’t and his answer was essentially: I just look at it and figure out which way would be funnier, and that’s what I do.

This is a refreshingly honest peek inside the up-for-public-consumption world of making stuff, and in about 99% of cases, it’s what everyone does. Just go the easy route. Miley is in the news, and you’re tasked to do a story on her. Well, what’s a better angle: that she’s super hot and sexy and nothing’s gonna stop her now, or that she’s out of control and needs some guidance before she winds up dead? Both articles can be written based on the exact same behaviors, by the way.

The narrative of Britney Spears was so fucking rambunctious that it blew her to smithereens. First, she was a super sexy, jailbait virgin. The media LOVED this. They put pictures of her tits next to headlines that said “Britney talks: Why I’m Waiting For Marriage.” They were eating 2 desserts a night during those days. Then she started being dirty and “Britney’s all grown up” started accompanying the pictures of her tits. THEN the narrative changed and she was “OUT OF CONTROL” alongside the pictures of her tits. And then they just started piling on the shame, even though she was just a young hillbilly girl who got some money, got a little wasted, married a dildo, shit out some kids, got divorced and went on with her life LIKE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ON EARTH DO.  She was, however, bullied into insanity by the world at large. Defined as sexy, celebrated for being sexy and then condemned for being too sexy. Totally fucked.

Now, Anthony Weiner is not sexy. Not to me, at least. He seems sinewy and veiny and he’s got a penis and I don’t find any of that to be particularly arousing or sensually interesting. But the fact is, if his wife ain’t leaving, it’s not really our business and more to the point, we don’t know what their deal is! I have a friend who is married who’s allowed to fuck whoever she wants as long as she’s not in her hometown. I know people who date, and who are porn stars. I know people who just say things like “Well, I’m just gonna get some now and then” and their spouse knows about it and it’s just an unspoken arrangement. Whatever fucking works for you…it works for me. I don’t care. I’ve got my own marriage to manage without worrying about what makes yours tick. So, if Mrs. Carlos Danger seems like all this is not that big a deal, why the fuck do we care? A few answers:

1)   He’s a politician so he’s a role model for blahblahblahbityblah.

2)   Because it’s not the way marriage should be.

3)   Because dude, Carlos Danger? That shit is fucking AWESOME!

Okay.

1)   fuck you. This is so patently out of step with everything that matters on earth that I don’t even know where to start. People in politics do things like approve chicken laced with arsenic for public consumption and put nuclear waste dumps near schools and start arbitrary wars and kill innocent people just so they can get re-elected or serve the special interests of some shitty lobbyist. You’re telling me that somehow sending a picture of your dick is more of a betrayal of the ‘political role model’ ideal than KILLING PEOPLE?!?!?!? What goddamn planet are you from that you’re more afraid of dicks than bombs and poison?

2)   You’re an asshole. Your ideas are your ideas and you should be able to find a compromise in your own relationship where your ideas are expressed and at least tolerated, but get the fuck out of my business. Get out of everyone’s business. If people are exploiting people, kids, animals etc, that’s terrible and obviously should be stopped. But two consenting adults doing what they do? Fuck it. Why are you more up in arms than the people involved? Relax. I even find it weird that people have problems with guys that (for example) fuck their cars. Who cares? Fuck your car. Fuck the shit out of it. Invite your buddies over and gangbang your car for all I care. Sheesh. Not my business. This just seems like some nosey neighbor shit and everyone hates the nosey neighbor.

3)   Totally. Totally. I’m so on board with this. That’s why I’m writing this right now.

Of course, there’s the chance that Weiner’s wife is just weak and scared and has nowhere to go and is put upon by his relentless sexual appetites and so on, but I don’t THINK so. She works in Washington and seems like she’s pretty driven, careerist and not a total wimp. Maybe she’s just suffering through this for the sake of her political career, but honestly, that seems like a weird move. Maybe it’s because she’s Muslim and she’s very devout, whatever. Who cares? Her business. She’s not being kept in a box or a well. That much is for sure so fucking buzz off. “CNN perspective: Why Does Huma Abedin put up with Anthony Weiner?” How about this for a counterpoint: “When did CNN become the National fucking Enquirer?”

But Carlos Danger, that shit is awesome, and that IS the kind of mysterious moniker that’ll keep the ladies around, even if you’re naughty. Especially if you’re naughty.

xoxoxo

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25 Responses to Danger is my Pseudonym!

  1. Joel P says:

    Here’s why I give a shit:

    If I am voting for an elected official, I’d like to know they will do the job I am electing them to do. There will be many many MANY opportunities to make decisions that personally benefit themselves at the expense of myself and thousands or millions of other voters. That’s what corruption is.

    If Weiner and/or Spitzer get elected, I do not have a high degree of confidence that these guys are going to be able to say – “you know, I really should spend tonight reviewing that education bill, because it will be hugely expensive but might or might not revolutionize early childhood education in this city, so even though Jasmine just texted me that she’s free tonight, horny as hell, and waiting in her hotel room hot tub for me, I am going to work on this bill, because that’s what the voters deserve.”

    If his wife forgives/allows/encourages him, good for her. If he announced when he entered the mayor’s race, “the behavior that caused me to resign continued for a year after that before I was able to really get it under control, but it’s in the past and I give you my word there will be no more revelations of anything past July 2012” (or whatever), then I could at least entertain the idea that he was being straight with the public and was now perhaps in control of his appetites. Or even if he announced, “my wife and I have an open marriage, and not everyone may be okay with that, but it feels great to no longer hide who I am, and it frees up the mental energy I’ll need to be a great mayor”, then it would be a disastrous and brief campaign, but I’d respect his honesty and be more willing to believe the other things he said.

    But he wasn’t straight with the public, and I’d feel as comfortable electing him mayor as I would hiring a guy with an acknowledged active internet porn addiction to monitor my company network. This new revelation simply underscores the fact that being mayor is a thing he’d really really like for us to give him to feed his enormous ego because he really wants it, and is in no way a public service he wishes to undertake to improve the lives of people in this city.

    • Jake says:

      But wasn’t he a very well-liked Congressman up until the Twitter scandal? Has there been any evidence that his “sexting” has affected his ability to govern. This is like suggesting Barrack Obama played too much basketball or Bush played too much golf to be responsible presidents. I mean yeah, I am not a fan of either, but I don’t think it’s their hobbies that makes them leaders I disagree with. Weiner just likes to send texts about his weiner. It’s his thing. You make it sound like he’s a drug addict.

  2. daniel druff (spaniel buff!!) says:

    shit joel, bee is gonna fuckin strafe ya for that man…..shrugs

  3. Ben says:

    Joel, I think your response is poorly reasoned. First off, you mention corruption in your opening paragraph. Now I’m not completely tuned into the exploits of Mr. Danger. But I don’t believe what he did was corrupt. Creepy, yes. But corrupt? No. You implicitly suggest that what he did was corrupt and will therefore make him more likely to be corrupt in the future.

    Then you lump Mr. Danger in with Eliot Spitzer. Again, I’m not super tuned into what Spitzer did. But from what I recall, Mr. Danger isn’t even CLOSE to being in the same league as Spitzer. Creepy dick pics from Danger is NOT = to Spitzer spending tens of thousands of dollars on prostitutes/possibly taking bribes (and even if Spitzer did spend money on prostitutes [as long as it was his own money], so fucking what? But that’s another argument).

    Then you offer up your reasoning as to why you don’t have confidence in these people, basically saying “Whelp, I can’t do this work tonight for the voters. Gotta go fuck Jasmine.”

    Well, let me give you an equally absurd argument. What if a politician was a devoted family wo/man and he/she said “Whelp, I can’t do this work tonight for the voters. Gotta spend time with my wife and kids.”

    What would you say then? In both instances, the politician isn’t carrying out their duty to the voters. Rather, he/she is spending their time (free time, mind you. AFTER they’re already spent the day working) doing things they want. Yet, I assume (and tell me if I’m wrong) you would only take issue with the sex example and not the family example because you have OPINIONS about what is proper behavior.

    And that’s the point I believe BK was trying to make. That people have very rigid views of what is acceptable (especially when it comes to sex). You then took it one step further and essentially equated doing non-traditional sexual shit with being unable to carry out a political position.

    I think you should have stuck with your last point about lying to the public. That is far more concerning than any sexual shit. HOWEVER, what’s the guy supposed to do? Our society is so focused on what other people do with their genitals that he wouldn’t have a shot if he were honest. And you provided the perfect example of why he felt he had to lie in your last paragraph.

    You said you wouldn’t hire someone to manage your computer network who OPENLY ACKNOWLEDGED to you that he had a porn addiction (again, this reasoning is poor because you are assuming that a guy who likes to excessively watch people fucking on the internet can’t adequately manage your network).

    In other words, if the poor guy is honest, you wouldn’t let him have the job. The kicker is that in the paragraph before this (the 3rd paragraph), you say you would have respected Danger more if he was honest and would have been more willing to believe him. But then you say you wouldn’t allow someone to do a job because they admitted to you that they watch too much porn. Which one is it?

    As long as no one is getting hurt or taken advantage of, who gives a fuck?

    • Yup. Thanks. Well done.

    • Jake says:

      Completely agree. One of the reasons we probably have such shitty politicians is because the general public wants every representative to be this squeaky clean “normal” guy, which isn’t very representative of us as a country at all, so we end up with opportunistic used car salesman.

      • Joel P says:

        I hear and respect all the responses here (well maybe not “Joel – you fucking dummy”. Not the best analysis).

        For me his judgment and his control of his appetites is the issue, NOT my moral disapproval of his private life. I don’t really care about his private life. I really don’t. He had to know that if this came out it would blow up and destroy his career. Maybe it shouldn’t, and maybe as a society we’re all too prissy about sex, but nobody in elected office could expect the voters, the press, etc. to be okay with it. Hence either he had terrible judgment to think he could do this and either get away with it or have it be forgiven/accepted by the public, or, like an addict, he knew this was bad for him but was unable to resist doing it anyway. Again, that’s not my moral judgment, that’s some pretty objective career advice for basically every field.

        So what if he had the time pressure of being a devoted family man instead of a serial sexter, as you ask? Well first of all, he is married with a kid, so let’s presume he already is one. But I do believe that having big secrets takes its toll in a way that just having other obligations doesn’t. I think you can be an effective mayor/governor/comptroller/CEO with a family, hobbies, friends, etc. but as soon as you start to have a secret life, I think it’s a big distraction and you start spending a disproportionate amount of energy on keeping that secret. As I said originally, if from the start he said “look, we have an open marriage and my wife is fine with this”, and all the women consented, as far as I’m concerned the issue pretty much goes away, though I admit most voters would not agree.

        So I’m not equating “doing non-traditional sexual shit with being unable to carry out a political position”, I’m equating maintaining a secret life that you know could cost you that political position with seriously impacting your ability to hold that political position at a high degree of effectiveness, and I’m equating being unable to resist temptation (when I said “active” internet porn addition I meant as in NOT currently under control) as being a bad thing for someone in a position to have a near unlimited source of that temptation.

        So to be super-duper clear, I’m not against Weiner because he does not live up to my moral code. I’m against him because he doesn’t seem able to make good choices to be an effective elected official. If we lived in a totally sexually free society would I feel differently? Probably, but not because he is no longer breaking Joel’s taboo against dick pics, but because he would no longer be showing he cared about doing something that he knew could cost him his job more than he cared about his job.

        I’m not going to vote for the most G-rated or god-fearing candidate. I’m going to vote for the one who I think is going to come to work every day planning to work the hardest at improving things in the city. If that candidate is into “non-traditional sexual shit” that doesn’t get in the way of the job, s/he’s got my vote. If you seriously think that Weiner is the best candidate, then I encourage you to vote for him, but I really don’t and would love to hear why someone does.

        I won’t respond after this, as nothing good comes from a third comment, but I’ll read any replies.

        • shook one says:

          “Nothing good comes from a third comment” ‘

          Aww, was that clever lil’ mantra conceived during an otherwise uneventful “hot wings n’ gears of war” night in college a few yrs back? Fuck you, Joel

        • shook one says:

          Aww was that lil’ mantra about third comments conceived during an otherwise uneventful “hot wings n’ gears of war” night in college a few yrs back? Fuck you, Joel

          • shook one says:

            Fucking laggy internetz cramped my style yo! We got my original draft and then the final copy. Personally I think the latter flows much better overall. Anyway in all seriousness I thought there was plenty of legitimacy to your original remark but I was in the mood to snag some easy shits n gigz from the cheap seats to I went with calling you a dummy

  4. shook one says:

    Joel – you fucking dummy

  5. Cradle of filth says:

    What’s wrong with watching porn via the Internet ?

  6. dave1976 says:

    I tend to think she was on board with it and/or could give two shits. Did you see her during the press conference/confessional? She kept on smirking with this little shit-eating grin. Definitely not the typical half pissed/half wanna cry my eyes out/ half I can’t believe what the girls at the club are gonna say (yeah, I know, three halves. oh well).

    Anyway, what I’m actually getting at is she’s really hot, she seems like a rad chick, and I kind of want to do her while Carlos D. pounds out some more naughty texts… but don’t tell my wife that.

  7. Dracula's Penis says:

    I want to send Anthony Weiner a picture of my dead, decrepit dick.

  8. Cradle of filth says:

    New colour scheme?

  9. JKH says:

    I hope Mr. Dangers cell phone number gets leaked and everyone sends him thousands of dick pics. Get on that anonymous

  10. S.N.I.F.F.~ says:

    Big titty candice still on this thing? Well this is for her bf/fiance/whatev. You declare ‘Toto’ as a new nickname for your lil peen, and really namedrop it so as it sticks. But there’s more–it’s all a setup for a nifty joke a few months down the line wherein post intercourse ya casually look down at the lil goon and say ‘Well Toto we’re not in Candice anymore’. At least consider it, faggot

  11. you slippin b says:

    Really? CD is an “awesome” moniker? Sounds like a frat boy’s self ascribed party handle circa ’04 or a poor attempt by Quizno’s at one of those ‘zany’ brand mascots

  12. Brian mccarthy says:

    Ok. If cramp Lewis was still around for this he’d probably crap his pants whilst throwing up on his beard, cuz I ain’t seen nothing like that. First of all there’s the “I think I’m such a 78” shit talk and then you have the “old fashioned just leave me alone to think”.

  13. prius ad parody says:

    a-bop…bop…bop..bop-ba-dop-bop…a peeeenis for everyoooone

  14. Max hardcore says:

    The marvellous back yard. Airs next week, you cum guzzlers!

  15. Max hardcore says:

    Waoooops! That date was waist high wrong. Me n the boys will be travelling the crackatinny tribe hq and staying put, at least for a little while.

  16. Max hardcore says:

    Waoooops! That date was waist high wrong. Me n the boys will be travelling the crackatinny tribe hq and staying put, at least for a little while.

  17. Max harcore says:

    Waoooops! That date was waist high wrong. Me n the boys will be travelling the crackatinny tribe hq and staying put, at least for a little while.

  18. Please write something says:

    ;(

  19. joel austin says:

    This cracks me up, Brendan. Not just your post but of course the argument it sparked.. I’ve been reading this blog for quite a while now and haven’t ever laughed as hard as when I read this one. I’m very a political these days strictly due to this kind of crap. Everyone has their own skeletons in their closets and good politician is the definition of a bad joke. The government is corrupt through and through, I honestly believe that the ones that spend billions of dollars waging wars, killing people, finding new ways to imprison us, and whatever fucked up things they do is much more of a concern to me than how someone chooses to get their rocks off.
    BK, you’re an inspiration and I hope to get to drink with ya someday. Can’t wait for the new album, I’ve been jonsing for something new since the wandering birds hasn’t left my headphones since they came out 🙂 take care, buddy!

  20. joel austin says:

    This cracks me up, Brendan. Not just your post but of course the argument it sparked.. I’ve been reading this blog for quite a while now and haven’t ever laughed as hard as when I read this one. I’m very a political these days strictly due to this kind of crap. Everyone has their own skeletons in their closets and good politician is the definition of a bad joke. The government is corrupt through and through, I honestly believe that the ones that spend billions of dollars waging wars, killing people, finding new ways to imprison us, and whatever fucked up things they do is much more of a concern to me than how someone chooses to get their rocks off.
    BK, you’re an inspiration and I hope to get to drink with ya someday. Can’t wait for the new album, I’ve been jonsing for something new since the wandering birds hasn’t left my headphones since they came out 🙂 take care, buddy!

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