Man, life is hard. Nah, it’s more than hard. It’s a pain in the dick is what it is. That’s why, if you’re gonna get through, you need to hack your life, Cochese. that’s what I do. You think I could ever be as old and awesome as I am without some serious life hacks? No chance, Bromeo. I got secrets, and today, I’m finna impart some of them upon you so you all can live the sweet life like I do and save the drama for the important shit, like when you find yourself treading water in the ocean with no land in sight (no hack for that, as far as I know). Okay. Ready? Strap on your dicks. Here we go:
1. Socks: You know what’s a huge punch in the nuts? Socks. They’re always stretching out. One escapes and you’re left with a useless orphan sock that’s not doing anyone any good. Sometimes, if you put your socks on too soon after you get out of the shower, they stick to your leg and stretch or tear. They suck. In fact, they even suck if they’re not losing their elasticity and/or life partner. As though laundry doesn’t suck like seven or 8 animal penises at once on its own, pairing up hot socks, fresh from the dryer, is a goddamned nightmare inside a nightmare. Ugh. Just kill me. Well, not so fast, Billy Ray! I have a solution that’s gonna blow your mind. Ready: Step one: Throw away all your socks. Step B: go down to Target and find some socks that you can get behind (black gold toes are a great start if you’re feeling overwhelmed by the selection). Finally, buy a dickton of them. BOOOM! No more pairing up socks. No more worrying if one tears or gets fucked. All your socks are the SAME, JACK! Just dump those bitches in a drawer like your name was Ed Gein and be done with it. Life=Hacked!
2. Up next: easy mac: Easy mac is great, but who are those portions for? Baby ducks? Come on, man! I need a lot of easy mac, not just one wee thimbleful. As my life has slowly adultified, I thought I was done with most cheese based noodle projects, but THEN, this army of people marched out of my wife’s vagina and started demanding macaroni and cheese. And they want it by the bargeload, son! So, here’s the secret: put 2 packages in at once. Use just over 1 cup of water and micro that fucker for 5 minutes. Buh-LAMMO! 2 at one time. It’s every dude’s dream, right?
3. Never, ever, under any circumstances wash your hands.
4. Say your boss is up in your grill or your boyfriend wants a blowjob or your girlfriend wants to talk about something important. Here’s the hack: Shit your pants. Look real embarrassed. Say something like “oh my god! Excuse me!” and run away. As soon as you’re out of sight, high five yourself and prance to the bar and get a beer as a reward for your ingenuity.
5. What are you, broke? Just look on Craigslist. There are TONS of perverts who want people to act in their weird movies. And before you turn your nose up at me and say something snobby like “I don’t get my vagina out for strangers to film” (pardon ME lady Di!), that’s the hack, bro. ANYONE can get paid to suck a fat slob’s dick. That’s like, 99% of what all life is. The thing about the people on Craigslist that I’m talking about, is that they want you to wash your feet or pop balloons or put your hands in pudding. Some dudes will film you just smoking cigarettes. Yes, the dude will jack off to the thought and tape of you later, but dudes, that’s more action than you’re getting now (and, besides, if you can’t just shrug that kind of thing off, you’re a total pussy. Grow up) and ladies, the dude that bagged your groceries, the dude that sat next to you on the train, the dude at the next cube over in your office, they’re ALL beating off to the thought of you anyway…don’t be naïve. Get that cabbage, honey! Sit on a few balloons and take yourself to Sizzler.
6. Shitting- what a time waster. If you’re like me, you can’t go 20 minutes without taking a dump. Well, here’s the secret to that: pizza. Every morning, load up on a few slices of Chicago Style extra deep dish cheese pizza. Leak: plugged. Booya.
7. Drinking at bars is expensive. Before you know it, you’re down two hundred and fifty bucks, and you’re STILL no closer to getting laid. What is this, China? Here’s the secret: Get some of those plastic baggies that are made out of cornstarch. Fill them with grain alcohol at the house. Then swallow them or stick them up your ass (whichever works better for you). THEN, go to the bar, tell the bartender you haven’t eaten in days, and order a Budweiser (this is a crucial step, because you can’t just suddenly be hammered out of nowhere…that’s amateur hour, grrrrrrrl! You need to set the stage [as we say in showbiz!]), and wait for the cornstarch bags to dissolve, one by one, deep in your guts and get you high. All for the cost of some bags and a hobo handle.
8. Everyone has woken up hungover only to realize that things got out of hand the night before and there’s a dead dog or hooker on the floor of your room. Here’s what you do: Find some drapes or a big rug in your house. Now, set the rug or drapes on fire (use the stove if you don’t have any lighters handy). Make sure that things are really burning. Okay, good. Now, run outside…it’s probably a good idea to be in just your underwear, you know, to keep it authentic. Panic. Tell someone to call the fire dept. When the trucks arrive, tell em you don’t know shit, because you were super wasted last night, but that you seem to remember coming home with a girl/dog last night, and that you fell asleep making a pizza. Mention that they may be inside. Cry. Beg them to save your friend. Gnash your teeth and pull at your hair. Scream “WHY!!!!” to the heavens etc. Next thing you know, they’re all “it seems like your friend perished in the blaze” and you can be all “eh..like I said, I didn’t really know that being very well. Bummer tho” and skip off, carefree, to Target to get some new socks n shit.
Okay, there you go. Get out there and save time, get out of jams, and generally, be more productive. You’re welcome. Have a great weekend.