Bad Songs

So I finally heard that song ‘Accidental Racist’ by brad paisley and LL cool J (!!!) and wow…it’s so shitty. I mean, the idea is fundamentally a bummer: ‘Hey, I’m just a white guy in a confederate flag shirt getting vibed by this black guy in Starbucks because he thinks I’m a racist while actually, (get this!) I’m just a Skynyrd fan. Shucks!’ And then LL comes in and raps (!!!!) things like “RIP Robert E Lee” and something about how the “Mason Dixon needs some fixin.” At a certain point, Mr. Cool James actually says “you don’t worry about my gold chains and I’ll forget about the slave chains” or something terrifyingly close to that effect. The whole song sucks on a level that’s pretty colossal.
However, it’s not just that Accidental Racist is kind of glossing over willful stupidity in favor of just letting shit keep on keeping on (“I kind of think the confederate flag is cool, I’ve already got the shirts…I don’t actually do any lynching…it should be okay to wear this fucker around. Anyone who gets bummed out is the one with the problem, not me. I ain’t racist”) and what can only be called a super wimpy, “yeah, bro…we’re cool with the slavery stuff now. Just quit messing with my saggy pants and gold chains” response (which…I mean, DUDE. Seriously? LL Cool J, this is how you’re gonna close out your career? Being fifty and rapping on a fucking country western song about gold chains and saggy drawers? Even without the let’s-call-it-a-day-on-the-slavery aspect, pretty lame, bro.) And it’s not even that everyone involved seems to have an extremely limited idea of how history actually went (one particularly poignant line finds mr. Paisley discussing how the Reconstruction did such a good job of fixing up lots of damaged buildings).
No, the thing is this: the song just sucks. The melodies suck. The chorus is a drawn out prechorus that never delivers. The verses are tepid, timid and crappy and LL Cool J raps with all the adept versatility of Christopher Reeve navigating hurricane rubble in his blow-tube-powered wheelchair. Top it off with lyrics that are guaranteed to bum out racists, non racists, anti racists, black guys, white guys and almost everyone except for the most Mountain Dew saturated thought-free hicks who just want some sort of ditty readily available that can remind ‘em that there’s no need to do laundry and/or change shirts, and you’ve got what’s destined to go down in history as the crappiest turd ever.
Recently, my friend Matt was asked by the Onion to name his least favorite song. He chose Two Princes by Spin Doctors, which is a dumb song for sure (I personally think it’s so dumb that it’s back to awesome. In fact, the Lawrence Arms actually used 2 Princes as our intro music for a few shows. It received a chorus of boos. Not the best way to get the crowd pumped…but I digress). I saw that Coco from Gaslight Anthem recently did the same feature in the Onion and discussed Weezer’s Hash Pipe as being his least favorite song (for the record, I REALLY like Hash Pipe. I think it’s great). A few other people who I don’t know had a bunch of ideas about a bunch of bad songs and I read a few of them before being struck by 2 things. Here they are:
1. It’s almost impossible to just trash something without sounding like a dick. Songs are just little 2 minute ethereal pieces of ‘art.’ Some are cool. Some are lame, but viscerally hating music, while understandable and even probably universal, is a huge waste of an emotion as exhausting and powerful as hate. When you start putting that much energy into despising a song, you’re gonna come off sounding like a bit of an asshole. I think it’s inevitable.
2. I had NO idea what song I would pick were I to somehow join the elite ranks of people about whom the onion cares re: opinions on things. There are songs that I think stink…lots and lots of them. That one song by Dashboard Confessional that was really popular in like 2000 was not that good, but I don’t know if I could whip myself into a frenzy about it now, thirteen years after the fact. I hate everything ever done by that band Live. I think they’re garbage. But again, yawn. Not a huge fan of Let the Bodies Hit the Floor, but I DO like how fat that guy was and the fact that he died how he lived…namely, hitting the floor with his body. I just don’t really have anything for this category. There’s lots of stuff that sucks. But HATING it? Eh…seems like a lot of work.
Until now. I think Accidental Racist may be the dumbest song I’ve ever heard. It stinks, it’s insulting to several levels of my intelligence and generally it’s a major bummer. Also, it solidifies LL Cool J as a turd, which is disheartening.
Eh, whatever. I know I’m hardly the only person on the internet being gleefully shocked at how dumb that song is, but man…wow. Wow.
Okay, I’m out. Gotta go to work. See y’all later.

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25 Responses to Bad Songs

  1. Jen says:

    I heard Paisley’s next song is “Unintentional Rapist” feat. Busta Rhymes.

  2. ricker65 says:

    I want the 5 minutes of my life back for listening to that song…holy shit….just awful

  3. smack of ham says:

    Did you see in the comments on the Skiba one where I said you’d be awesome at it? DID YOU SEEEEE?

  4. kanthackit says:

    Beex should get a job as one of those newsroom gossip-boy freaks at TMZ then he can tell us about Farrah from TeenMom’s sextape scandal..

  5. I suck at everthing says:

    I can’t wait for the new arms record. I guess that’s it.

  6. Amanda says:

    I think the two worst songs in the history of songs are probably R-O-C-K in the USA by John Cougar Mellencamp and Weenie Hair by Marky Ramone and the Speedkings which proves even more than the whole Dee Dee King rap album that the members of the Ramones should have been banned from making non-Ramones music.

  7. Dave says:

    Possible contenders for worst song: “Space Lord” by Monster Magnet, “Sex and Candy” by Marcy’s Playground, and “God Gave Rock and Roll To You” by Kiss.

  8. Knapps says: did a nice little breakdown, verse by verse, here And, let’s see, worst song? Hold on while I hit shuffle on my girlfriend’s ipod

  9. Jake says:

    Hahaha, Live was my favorite band when I was like eleven. Still put on “I Alone” and rock out every now and then.
    Least favorite song?? I don’t know, anything by Sonic Youth…

  10. Luc says:

    How can “Blow my whistle” not be the worse song EVER recorded. Fuck I hate that song.

    This part of my message is strictly for Mr. LL’s eyes only. Yo, L! When will you make Deep Blue Sea # 2 instead of making stank ass records?

  11. Darin says:

    that first transplants song that was popular. that shit was awful. i mean answering this question is almost impossible though. its like ‘name your favorite movie’. Where does one begin?

  12. Greg says:

    I’ve always kind of disliked “Centerfield” by John Fogerty. Partially because I hate handclaps in songs (the exceptions being ‘Postcards’ by The Dowtown Struts and ‘Military Barbara Billingsley’ by Swingin’ Utters), but mainly because the lyrics are so fucking stupid. I always imagine a snotty-nosed freckle-faced kid warming the bench during a little league game whenever I hear that song. My second choice would be that Wings song that ruins Christmas every time I hear it.

  13. Okay, to respond to some of these: ROCK in the USA is one of my traditionally most hated songs. I used to have 3 ‘worst songs ever’ and that was one of them. the other 2 escape me now. I LOVE whistle by Flo Rida. I think it’s super awesome. centerfield sucks, and it sucks even more because John Fogerty has some real hits under his belt. Uh…what were those other 2? Chris and Neil would know. I’ll ask em. Oh shit! I remember. The Heat is On by Glenn Frey and All She Wants To Do Is Dance by Don Henley. Those are the 3 worst songs ever. Whew. glad that’s settled. Also, this should go without saying, fuck the Eagles completely.

    • kanthackit says:

      The Heat is On & All She Wants To Do is Dance are very similar songs.. Nearly sound the same in my head.. If I didn’t know better I’d say they were by the same group.. Damn 80s keyboard pop that tried to sound like rock n roll.. I hate the song stacys mom!

  14. Nan says:

    American Pie honks so hard…and Mambo #5…I do feel hatred when I hear these tunes.

  15. s says:

    k fuck bad music. instead, amendment to life hack: ALWAYS wash hands after sex and before handling phone. your dick + my phone = real bad sandwich

  16. olddogs says:

    i was about to comment “anything by the eagles” would have to be in contention.
    Man i dunno if I could pick a “worst” though. I’ve heard some pretty shitty sounds that claim to be music from a lot of different genres. Maybe naming a “worst pop song” would be easier

  17. Joe says:

    Favorite songs growing up:
    Two Princes
    Mr. Wendal
    if I ever lose my faith in you
    ordinary world

  18. T_weck says:

    Sisqo – the thong song

    Can’t wait for the new record!!!

  19. Doesn't matter says:

    Yea, mambo #5 makes me violent.

  20. Daniel says:

    The (!!!) after LL Cool J’s name makes it look like he’s a member of !!!…

  21. shit mucus says:

    i’d say every creed song ever recorded is some of the worst shit i’ve ever heard, just thinking off the top of my head. and man, some of those people on that AV Club article bashed on alk3 for the lyrics to “clavicle” (of all songs) and stuck by the spin doctors hard for being a one hit wonder that may give them some temporary nostalgia. people who live on comment sections n forums are fucking intense and tiring.

  22. pixigirl9 says:

    I’ve always hated Killing Me Softly by The Fugees. I don’t know why, but I just can’t stand it!

  23. DiPro says:

    Cotton Eye Joe in a landslide. Livin La Vida Loca was pretty terrible as well.

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