Girls! Dongs! Twitter! C+

Okay, first let’s address the elephant in the room. Obviously, some weird, possibly less than reputable online pharmacy has started spamming the shit out of my comments section. It’s annoying, but you should look at the bright side: If you want to know what happens when you take Cialis and Viagra at the same time (spoiler alert: you’ll get a boner) you can just come here and click any of the handy links provided by whoever’s throwing their dumb garbage all over my page. Anyway…
I’ve been hearing a lot about Girls lately, and even more, perhaps about the show’s creator and star, Lena Dunham. Here’s what I know (based on nothing firsthand at all): She’s 25. She’s very smart and funny. The show is resonant and real in a way that popular things never are. The show is full of hot daughters of famous people. This has led a bunch of OTHER people to criticize the show and bandy words like “nepotism” around (although, if that was all it took to have a hit, we’d probably have about fifteen seminal Julian Lennon records by now). Lena herself, apparently, has wonky tits and she shows them all the time on the show, and this is considered to be very brave. Some people think the show is racist, but almost everyone who thinks that is extremely white and writes for extremely white liberal websites (white liberals are, without exception, the first people to get all pissy and start yelling about racism, even when no racism is present [interesting {not that interesting} aside: recently someone asked me about a neighborhood we were driving through, “what’s this neighborhood?” I said, “well, it’s technically supposed to be a kind of Korea town, but in reality it’s mostly Mexicans that live here.” I was informed that this was a slightly racist statement. I then pointed out all the Mexican flags everywhere and patiently explained, ‘you know, if people are from Mexico, it’s okay to call them Mexicans when referring to their nationality/background.” Conflict resolved. The fact that I had to have this conversation…sheesh.]). In the case of Girls, I have no idea if it’s racist or not, but I DO know that it’s won some emmys and lots of my friends who watch it think it’s awesome. And it stars a 25 year old who created and writes the series. That’s pretty rad.
I was trying to remember what I was doing when I was 25, and while I’m a bit stumped on the specifics, here’s what I remember: I was kind of tubby. I was in a band. I thought that making music was VASTLY cooler than writing books or shows or movies, and whatever I was creating was not going to wind up being an earth shattering achievement. Let’s see…when I was 25 it was 2001. I was writing a record called Apathy and Exhaustion for my band, the Lawrence Arms. It turned out to be an okay record. I give it about a C+. The plus is mostly for the song Brick Wall Views, which I didn’t write but which is the best song on the record for sure. It also marked a time when we first started learning how to do our own take on classically structured songs. Before that record, we’d eschewed the verse-chorus notion of songs as ‘lame’ and ‘predictable,’ much preferring songs that either built like a cone (starting small and getting bigger and bigger and then going out on a high note), or blasted through in one short burst, or reached some sort of apex somewhere around 2/3 through and then wound down. These were our models before A&A. Every once in a while, these stupid models actually DID help us write a pretty cool song. However, for that record, we decided to try and write songs with choruses that were on our terms, so still weird (for us, not actually weird), but within a structure that was unfamiliar to our band. It was an exercise. I think we did okay. We laid groundwork for becoming the band that we would eventually turn into, and in that regard that album was pretty important in our history, but as a record….I don’t know. I’m not terribly interested in putting it on. It’s fine. It’s a C+.
It’s definitely no groundbreaking HBO show about fucking and drugs. And I know, it’s poisonous to compare your life to someone else’s. You CAN’T do that because there’s always someone younger and more successful than you (unless you’re Jayden Smith), and every situation is different. Every person’s path is their own and nothing healthy has ever come from the desperate scrambling brought on by envy.
That said, how do I get a show? Do I need to live in New York? Do I just write it and make it and hope HBO sees it? Do I need funky tits? Because I have those. I just don’t get that world, I guess.
I mean, to shift gears for a sec, look at Twitter. There are people out there, awesome Tweeters: @thenardvark, @ieatanddrink, @fun_beard for example. These guys are all really, really funny. They’re wonderful at the medium of Twitter comedy. I also have zero idea who any of them are outside of Twitter. Unless I’m completely out of it, they’re not famous guys. Now, I’m not a famous guy either, but I’m in a semi-well known band and I do some tweeting. Yet these guys all have way more followers than me (fun beard actually has less, but he’s gaining fast). I just don’t understand it. I’m not envious or upset or anything. Fuck, these guys are three of the GREATEST tweeters out there. They deserve to have all the followers. I just don’t understand the nuts and bolts of HOW they have the followers that they have. It’s mind boggling to me. I understand why Patton Oswalt has a zillion followers. I understand why Matt Skiba has a zillion followers. But the Nardvark? Who is he? What does he do? I can find no info on him at all besides the fact that he’s on Twitter. Is there a shady, back room of Twitter comics who get together and share from a secret massive stash of followers? I mean, what the fuck is going on here? Again, I’m not jealous or calling bullshit. I’m just very confused as to how it all works.
Okay, this is all over the place. Follow the Nardvark, Fun_beard and ieatanddrink on Twitter and then let’s talk about my groundbreaking show please. I can be real and I’ll even show off my deformed dick (It’s deformed because it’s like 4x the size of a regular dick).

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7 Responses to Girls! Dongs! Twitter! C+

  1. Sean says:

    How do you grade The Greatest Story…? Just curious.

    Unrelated: TV would be a better place with more wonky tits.

  2. Doesn't matter says:

    Good post. Come to Arizona soon. We miss you

  3. Nico says:

    You were 25 when you released A&E? Fuck I need to re-assess my life…

  4. al guapo says:

    So which tla album gets an A+ by you sweetie?

  5. dustyfloors says:

    I know you’ve done this before ( but you should probably grade all your albums. That’d be cool. For us…
    Probably lame and boring for you… But you should.

  6. P.U.N.X. says:

    oh now stop it, apathy and exhaustion is the best thing the lawrence arms have ever done. that shit was a life-changer, a reason why TLA is a favorite band instead of a well-liked band. for me at least. next you’re gonna tell me bad religion doesn’t even like “into the unknown” that much

  7. Frank says:

    Apathy and Exhaustion was what got me into you assholes! Fuck, it was 2002, I was in the 9th grade, and my brother had just received some album via Fat Wreck and gave me the “shitty”–in his words–sampler that came with it. Said sampler had two songs from Strung Out’s new album at the time, An American Paradox, and two from Apathy: “Navigating the Windward Passage” and “Right as Rain Part 2”. Mother of GOD. I remember thinking upon blasting “Navigating” for the 70th time that day that you little fuckers were something special and that I’d found my favorite band. That remained so throughout high school and college (I even made it up from Texas for the 10th anniversary show), though you guys have pretty much been demoted to number two, behind the Gaslight Anthem of course, really only due to your Shaq-dick hiatus. Wrap it up with the new album and perhaps you donghuffers will return to that highly coveted position. Jesus, C+?!?!? What the fuck does “A Guided Tour” rank? Diarrhea???

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