Boning!

Thursday is Valentine’s day, and a good time to reflect on things like (if you’re me or my wife) how our car is dying and tax season is looming. But for a lot of you, Valentine’s day is about one thing: boning. Boning, for those of you unfamiliar with it, is when two people bond any of their many excreting parts together for a while with the intention of making them excrete stuff. It can be the best or worst thing in the world, depending on how into it you are, and, while we’ve made up a lot of euphemisms that circle around the idea of boning, none is so prevalent as “love,” which actually has very little to do with boning, but is an awesome thing in its own right, no two ways about it.
Love and boning have become conflated because good boning will often lead to love and on certain, very specific occasions, love makes people want to bone. However, in my experience this is very rare. I love quite a few people that I’d never consider boning in a zillion years (the guys in my band, my parents, my kids, childhood chums, the creators of That Mitchell and Webb Look etc.) and there are plenty of people that I can intellectually see sharing a truly awesome bone sesh with that I would never, ever love. I love my wife, and we bone, but I wanted to bone her from the first moment I saw her, and loved her only after realizing that she was good to be around, talk to and also bone.
Yet, we bind love and boning together because, well, that’s what you do here on earth. You try to organize the chaos as best you can and here in the US of Goddamned A, we tend to be pretty shy about boning and we’ve decided arbitrarily that boning is okay if love is involved, and twisted if it’s not. That’s a little weird. That’s sort of like saying it’s only okay to surf if you’re hungry, otherwise it’s a sin. But, whatever. I get it. Hell, I was born into these ideas so they’re pretty fundamental to me, and I’m guessing they’re pretty fundamental to you too. So there you go. Love, boning. Etc. What a thrill. Thank god we have a day devoted to it.
Now, speaking of boning as we were, one thing that freaks American old people out more than almost anything is the promiscuous teenager. There are practical reasons for that (teenagers are stupid and irresponsible and their babies end up, best case scenario: being taken care of by the teenager’s parents, who thought they were done with this child rearing bullshit, or, worst case scenario: beating the shit out of you and stealing your stuff because no one raised them at all) and there are impractical reasons (sex is terrifying! I can’t bear the idea of how much great sex teens may be having. It’s in stark contrast to how much of any kind of sex I’m no longer having!) but the end result is the same. Motherfuckers don’t want the teenagers boning. This is akin to me announcing that I don’t want soufflés to rise, or that I don’t want airplanes to fly or that I don’t want the Globetrotters to put on a whimsical show. Sure, they don’t HAVE to do the stuff they’re designed to do. They can just sit there, but that’s at odds with their ingrained purpose.
Teenagers want to bone and they frequently do. And so grownups make up all sorts of hilarious stuff, titillating, horrific, outlandish tales of crazy shit that goes on, like ‘rainbow parties’ where every girl wears a different color of lipstick and they all take turns sucking a bunch of dicks and at the end the dicks all look like rainbows. I mean, have you ever heard such nonsense?
Look, I don’t even know where to begin with this, but let me start by saying that I sincerely doubt there are too many places where you’re gonna find a bunch of girls willing to line up to give blowjobs to a forest of random dicks. SURE, I can see one isolated incident here and there, but as someone who was out there in the trenches for a long time just attempting to get one girl at a time to give me one blowjob (and I was the singer of a fucking band!) I can assure you that blowjobs are not this free, easy currency implied by the rainbow party. In fact, if any such rainbow party DOES exist, I’d wager everything I own that it was inspired by this ‘teens-be-fucking’ hysteria and not the other way around. It also bears mentioning that getting lipstick to stay on a dick is no easy task, and once you get past red and onto colors like yellow or green or pink or blue, forget about it. This is some bullshit, folks. That’s all there is to it.
I read today about this thing now where kids are wearing different colored jelly bracelets and if someone pulls the bracelet off, they get to do whatever sex act is denoted by the color of said removed bracelet with you. So if I pull off your blue bracelet, I get to fuck you in the ass, for example. That’s how the logic here goes. This is an actual thing I read about on the news. Does this happen? Fuck no, this shit doesn’t happen.
Again, maybe, MAYBE I can see a case or two of this in a group of friends who like and trust each other (rightly or wrongly), you know, like maybe 2 guys and 2 girls who are all comfortable with each other or whatever…but there is NO WAY that people are randomly walking around with bracelets and suddenly getting them snapped off by whoever happens to be walking by and saying “oh, what’s that one? Burgundy? Okay, I’ll lick your asshole after school. Meet me in the library.” That shit is just not happening. If it is, once again, this ‘news story’ is the inspiration, not the expose.
But anyway, Valentine’s day….I’m getting my wife Jelly bracelets and lipsticks. Should be a party.
Xoxoxoxo

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24 Responses to Boning!

  1. jb says:

    they had the same story about jelly bracelets in the early ’00s when I was in high school. looks like it’s getting recycled. for a group of people who act as though they’re terrified of sex, the puritans in the news media sure do talk about sex a lot, besides coming up with ‘depraved’ acts to imagine minors performing on each other…

  2. Neil says:

    My face just excreted when I read the words “Mitchell and Webb Look”. I love these little random Moments of Proof that remind me there are Others out there. Thanks for the booster shot.

  3. gbajosh says:

    See u in Chicago Friday man!!!!

  4. Darin says:

    I don’t think i have ever read bone/boning so many times in such a short span. Well played.

  5. kanthackit says:

    A Forest of Random Dicks: should have been the title of this piece.. Classic BK

  6. Knapps says:

    That Mitchell and Webb Look is good but i like Peep Show better. Much like videos of rainbow parties, i prefer my sitcoms in the first person.

  7. Heathbar says:

    This blog is the best clothed thing on the internet.

  8. DJB says:

    These things really do happen from what I hear, but more so of bored country folk. In the city, I had not even heard of such things as rainbow parties and the jelly bracelets. Then I come to the country side for college, and hear about all these high schoolers down here doing those type of things. I don’t know man. Weird stuff…kinky

  9. Duff McLaunchpad says:

    “Forrest of dicks.” That’s fucking hilarious.

  10. yeeeeah says:

    Agreed – it’s the stuff of nonsense rumor/sex-addled teen imagination that makes its way through the middle men of internets and cunty, prying, overbearing soccer moms onto right wing mainstream media where it becomes the stuff of trapped middle aged male secret masturbatory delight and, somewhat hilariously, gets occasionally implemented by actual teens at the two extremes of US society – trash dumps of the south/midwest and posh pockets of the New England area. Or so I suspect. I mean rainbow parties? Fucking beautiful.

  11. yeeeeah says:

    I guess what I’m most curious about is whether the proliferation of every possible perversion has led teens to experiment and fuck more than ever or an actual increase in abstinence on account of being able to indulge their every stoopid fantasy at the drop of a hat on their tablets. Goddamn today’s teen pariah misanthropes are in an enviable position. Fucking candy store on the internet. I mean, misfits driven to suicide from the ’80s and shit have got to be rolling in their graves.

  12. Jeremy says:

    Blame fucking Oprah. She perpetuated that rainbow party bullshit nearly a decade ago…and lord knows her fact checking is always perfect, with “over 9000” incidents occurring within her basement dungeon alone.

    …wait a sec…

  13. Teresa says:

    This documentary shows a large group of teenagers who do pretty much what you are talking about. The only reason they got caught is they all got an std. It’s pretty crazy. http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/georgia/

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    If everyone had every std would that mean there wouldn’t be a such thing as std’s? something to look forward to id assume.

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