Well, 2012 has come and gone and left a huge, shitty, messy pile of numbered opinions in its wake. Everyone, journalists, internet personalities, random dildos, people who use instagram, absolutely everyone has barfed forth an opinion that is seemingly worth something to other people. I mean, if I didn’t know better, I’d be tempted to say that these lists are little more than shallow dick thumpy self affirmation on par with beating off to an image of yourself beating off in the mirror, but that can’t possibly be the case, right? Okay, good, because here’s my list:
“Talkin 2012 from 2013: The BSC definitive guide to this most recent batch of bullshit:”
Best celebrity baby: Man, there were lots of cool celebrity babies breathing and existing this year, weren’t there? Whether your name is Blue Ivy or Kanye Jr. or one of those Federline/Spears fetal alcohol disasters, it seems like you’re a celebrity child. Everyone loves babies, and rich babies are the best babies of all. This year’s best baby is, of course that eleven toed Honey Boo Boo thing. Good on ya, pre-natal Mountain Dew IV drip! You’ve created a miracle of modern podiatry. Also, since you just KNOW one of the people in that family is within moments of shooting off a toe accidentally, this baby’s extra could make a handy replacement in a pinch. It’s kind of like how my kids both have 2 kidneys. God’s a genius.
Best celebrity death
There’s nothing better than a celebrity dying because it gives us all the opportunity to pretend we loved them, and act upset and sanctimonious and hurt and all that. I mean, how many of you REALLY gave 2 shits about Whitney Houston when she was alive? Bullshit! You did NOT care until she was found a-floatin in the tub. That’s fine. That’s what celebrities are for, guys. They live a wild life of excess, they make us hate them because they are so beautiful and don’t have to follow the societal, financial or biological rules that we have to follow, and then they die and we all personalize it and pretend to care. In that regard, the best celebrity death this year was good ol’ “Stormin” Norman Shwarzkopf. I’ve never seen so many tearful facebook posts and sad, forlorn tweets from teenaged girls as I did when Gorgeous Norm finally passed onto that great Iraq war in the sky. HooHA!
Bath salts made quite a splash in 2012, and cocaine is always a party. Alcohol had a good showing this year too, as did our little buddy weed, who went ahead and became legal for recreational consumption in not one but TWO states. But this year’s best drug was Zovirax if for no other reason than because I have a raging case of herpes.
Best ass whupping
My kid beat the crap out of his sister. That was lame, but then I totally pummeled him, which was awesome.
This was a tough category because there are so many great sets of tits out there, not to mention all the really, really nice lone-wolf single tits who are so often unfairly overlooked in this most important of year end categories. Anyway, though I’ve diligently tried to check out all the cans I can, unfortunately, there are still a few great sets that I’m trying to weigh the pros and cons of, so I don’t have a definitive winner. The good news is that there’s still time to enter, so send a photo or video of your tits to firstname.lastname@example.org today for your chance to take home the 2012 “Best Tits” Golden Sandwich.
Bacon had quite a year. People went after bacon with a fervor. Motherfuckers were making bacon chocolate, infusing bacon into booze, putting bacon on ice cream and donuts. It was almost like y’all had never heard of bacon until 2012. That created a stupid backlash where other, even COOLER motherfuckers started saying shit like “quit talking about bacon and quit taking pictures of bacon and posting bacon on the internet.” And thank god that backlash started, because I can’t think of anything in this day and age more important than making sure that bacon is only discussed the proper number of times online. That said, the best food of 2012 is pizza.
It’s hard to believe that someone could still be stoked about having the last name Sandusky in a post 2012 world, but after this fall and winter, the name Sandy wins the award for most brutally reappropriated moniker. I mean, there’s probably someone out there NAMED Sandy Hook. Hell, there’s probably someone named Sandy Hook who lost their home in Hurricane Sandy. Sandy also sounds a lot like Sandusky. I mean, talk about an unexpected punch in the dick. You think there’s a Sandy Hook Sandusky out there? Fuuuuuuuuck.
The best religion of 2012 is Bad Religion, if for no other reason than because they wrote No Control and they still play those songs despite being old and hilarious looking dads in elastic wasted pants and Depends.
Coolest new phrase
YOLO was on everyone’s lips this year. There’s almost nothing I loved more than sitting next to a bunch of teen dorks on the train, bullshitting about how awesome saying YOLO is. However, the coolest new phrase of the year, narrowly beating out YOLO is “Stop saying YOLO, you fucking dorks.”
Again, hard category (heyo!) but this year wound up being a runaway victory for Brendan Kelly of Chicago, who’s dizzyingly hefty, gorgeous penis can only be marveled as the most resplendently beautiful….okay, you get the idea, right? Good. Moving on.
I think it’s pretty obvious at this point that the internet is here to stay. While some of you naysayers out there are still pretty sure that this ‘on line’ stuff is just a phase, I’m gonna point to the myriad entertainments and conveniences that existing in a series of tubes provides. Now, it’s almost impossible to distill the internet down to one superlative website. For example, how does one compare ebay to Twitter to a place that hosts midgets buttfucking each other with doorknobs? Well, it wasn’t easy, but after many long, sleepless nights scouring the internet, I’ve finally determined that the best website on the internet is Badsandwichchronicles.net. Congratulations to the geniuses behind that one.
Uh, it’s tempting to award this to the constantly hilarious and enlightening @badsandwich, but I’m gonna have to go with @thenardvark on this one. His shit is funny.
Brendan Kelly and the Wandering Birds- I’d Rather Die and Live Forever- Like Van Gogh, Kafka and Bach, Mr. Kelly’s genius seems doomed to go unappreciated during his lifetime. However, once humanity is finally scrubbed from the earth and the mollusks creep from the sea onto the post-nuclear shore, millions of years from now, once those mollusks begin swinging from branches and developing higher brain functions, once those mollusks become a cognizant and thoughtful society and create their walking, talking squidtopia, them squids are gonna find this shit and jam it and be like “whoa!”
I made a video of myself beating off to my own reflection in the mirror. I beat off to it all the time. It’s awesome.
Best ‘best of’ list
Once again, Bad Sandwich Chronicles wins with the “Best of 2011” list published last January. Didn’t see that shit coming, did you?
Okay, thanks for playing. Thanks for a great year. Congrats to all the winners and don’t forget to send in those cans!