It’s shit! It’s barf! It’s…what the fuck is that?

It looked like shit. It was all over my daughter’s shirt and it looked exactly like poop. My wife said something like “you’ve gotta go look in her room. I’ve never seen anything like it.” I got out of the shower and headed down the hall. This was at about 655am today. On my daughter’s pillow was a huge brown pile of craplike waste. It was also on some sheets and her dolls and shit. It was gross. It didn’t smell like shit. It smelled like barf.
Now, I’m no stranger to barfed up poop, as I have seen first hand what happens when a hungry dog gets into a pile of dirty diapers (spoiler alert: it’s fucking disgusting beyond your wildest nightmares) so I asked my daughter the following: “sweetie, have you been eating poop?” Her reply was “there’s no poop. I throwed up.” She felt absolutely fine. That much was clear. I sniffed the pile on her pillow once more. “Uh, sweetie, have you been eating dogfood?” She laughed. “I’m not eating dogfood. I throwed up.” She’s 2.5. Keep that in mind.
I turned to my wife. “Well what the fuck is this then? She ate macaroni and cheese for lunch and pizza and carrots for dinner. This is brown and looks like poop.”
I looked and looked and looked and finally realized it was fucking raisins. She had eaten about a zillion raisins for breakfast and somehow, while she slept, the raisins crept through her stomach, over the pizza and mac and cheese and the carrots, up the trachea, over the gums and tongue and set up camp all over her pillow. Presumably she just kind of slept through it like a little tiny Bon Scott.
I mean, I’ve had some rough moments in my life. I’ve shit my pants a couple of times. I’ve had that food poisoning where you shit liquid and barf into the garbage can. I’ve turned green and been forced to wait outside while doctors stitch up my kid. I’ve gotten drunk and barfed on the outside of a toilet with the lid closed (this actually happened a few times when I was in high school). I’ve done that thing where I smoke weed and then turn green and feel like shit for hours before finally just barfing wherever I am, like in a pizza place or a field or whatever.
However, I’ve never barfed or crapped in my sleep. My friend Peter says that shitting in your sleep is a sign that you’re not long for this earth, and he’s some kind of EMT. So yeah. Good thing I’ve never done that. Whew.
The closest I’ve come is waking up, realizing that I’m not feeling so good, going for a glass of water and realizing that I’m about to barf. That’s not fun at all, but it fucking SMOKES barfing onto your pillow and then sleeping in it. I mean, from what little I know of Jimi Hendrix and that dude from Thin Lizzy, barfing in your sleep is a rough move to pull off too. I don’t like the idea of my daughter doing it. However, I guess that it should be mentioned that she shits her pants all day long and walks around like it’s no big deal, so she may very well have the same carefree attitude about sleeping in puke. I suppose it’s entirely possible that she woke up, looked around, barfed on her pillow, yawned and went back to bed. I guess that’s a possibility. I don’t know. All I do know is that she was up late drinking tequila and huffing scotchguard, so that could have something to do with it, I guess. Eh. Fuck it. I’m going to work.
xoxoxo

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11 Responses to It’s shit! It’s barf! It’s…what the fuck is that?

  1. Anonymous says:

    sweet trio reference

  2. Pat Sheehan says:

    Ha, you said “My Friend Peter.”

  3. Anonymous says:

    Thank God you have a friend Peter to tell you what to do.

  4. sillygirl says:

    I hope it was just barf. Kids barf all the time, but usually not when they are sleeping. If it happens again consider GERD. Kids who have GERD often complain of “hot burps”. Alternatively, if she is teething her back molars, it could have been an eruption cyst that popped as her new tooth came in. That would explain a bloody mess of black crap on her pillow. No treatment is necessary, it just happens sometimes.

  5. Fuckallyall says:

    This has nothing to do with vomit or shit or children. And I can only assume that you are already aware, but http://videogum.com/521372/so-we-all-watched-the-whole-first-season-of-new-girl-right/tv/ nick miller based on Brendan Kelly?

    • obamanation/abomination says:

      Coincidence ya big silly. Im sure someone from SOCK DROWUR updated the wiki entry jokingly while taking a big stinky. Think anyone remotely in the vicinity of involvement with that show knows our boy or listens to orgcorius rawk? 78% chance!

  6. lindsay lohan/solid bowel movement says:

    K, who were Sodastream hoping to branch out to with that big budget Superbowl ad? This is hands down the most flagrant, odd attempt to go mainstream withe a weird niche product only to quiet, uptight “balanced guy” types in their late 20s give a fuck about I’ve ever seen!

  7. Travis says:

    My friend Puckett, 29, does exactly what you described. When drunk and in bed, he wakes up, pukes on or beside himself, and just goes back to sleep. The carpet in his room in unbelievable, and he walks barefoot on it. On another occasion, he was pissing in the bathroom, felt pukey, and just puked standing there. His great idea to fix to situation was to turn on the shower and spray off the toilet. Good man.

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