Victory Lap (and speech…well, text)

Good morning lowly and loyal servants. It’s a wonderful, wonderful day here at Bad Sandwich HQ and it’s all thanks to you. As some of you may know, recently the Chicago Reader (the free weekly paper here in Chicago that has Savage Love, ads for hookers, unimpressable movie reviewers, band listings, restaurant reviews and stories about unfolding scandals in various city council meetings) held their annual Best Of Chicago readers poll. I asked for your help in getting this blog into the winners’ circle for the second year in a row (we crushed such bullshit competitors as ‘Megan’s typed out Alkaline Trio Lyrics page,’  ‘Pictures of skinny girls from Magazines’ and ‘Who’s Fuckin’ Who, Y’all?’ back in 2011 when we were still over on fucking blogspot for Christ’s sake!) and you guys delivered. But you guys didn’t stop there!

This year also saw us sweep broad acreage, burn the crops, dominate the landscape and rape the peasants over there on the Reader’s Best Of 2012, as I/we also won ‘best Chicagoan to follow on Twitter,’ (take that Kanye!), best new band (BK and the Wandering Birds), best rock band (the Lawrence Arms) and even Best Singer Songwriter, which is a title I’ve now won twice in a row, despite not really being much of a singer/songwriter. It’s funny, because this year the Reader staff simply picked their own ‘best singer songwriter’ and wrote about her instead. That’s cool with me. I don’t need puny, bespectacled old men writing superlatives about my meager skill set. I’m happy just making a farce of the whole voting process.

Truly, I guess the Best of Chicago – Reader’s Poll is really more for restaurants and bars than it is for such whimsy as Twitter and blog overlords. Lord knows that the Reader still won’t write up any of my local shows or review my records, and my resume was just as effective in getting people to call me back and interview me for jobs back before it said “Best blog in Chicago as voted by the 2011 Chicago Reader reader’s poll” which is to say that I’ve never gotten a single email that even said “hey, got your resume. We’ll check it out.” I should probably stop printing it on the back of carwash flyers.

But today isn’t about my crippling inability to do simple things that most of you can do without even thinking about it. It’s about rewarding my ability to do stupid things marginally well that most of you don’t waste time realizing that you could do just as well, and for that I thank you.

I’d like to first and foremost thank you, my Dogs of War for coming to the blog, reading and voting like the surly, dangerously malleable mob that you doubtlessly are. I’d also like to thank Jesus and my management team (Jesus and God) and my local drug dealers, shady paramedics and fellow alleyway pervs for keeping me interesting.  I’d like to thank my kids for giving me something to write about and of course my wife for all the victory blowjobs that she’s doubtlessly preparing to give me this evening. Finally, I’d like to thank the readership of the Chicago Reader for being lazy and allowing a gang of degenerates to sweep in and hijack the entire poll.

Some other notable victories include Red Scare Industries for Best Local Label and in a total coup, Katie Degroote over at Gingerman Tavern won best bartender. This one is significant because it’s one of the few categories that people actually campaign for. Do you guys know what that means? If we wanted to, we could probably band together and make some real, concrete improvements to society at large.

It’s a good thing I have no interest in that.

Thanks, y’all. xoxoxo

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21 Responses to Victory Lap (and speech…well, text)

  1. Dracula's Penis says:

    Chicago is the only city in the country with “beware of rats” signs in the alleys. Scary stuff.

  2. dustyfloors says:

    Congrats, BK.
    The socks get it done!

  3. Brad Pitt says:

    That cock is looking like it taste a lot better, Bman.

  4. Request says:

    If everyone could please take a moment to seek out youtube user ‘IlluminatedPhantom’ and call him a faggot, you’d really be doing me a solid. Listen, it’s important shit.

  5. Bawwiddahbaaw says:

    Damn Beex, the ol blog’s pretty terrible lately huh? Eh just a lil’ dry spell. Penned any more vague, tenuous lyrical references to William Friedkin flicks that nobody would ever recognize as being references were they not overtly explained to be lately? (Cruuuising!) hehe~

  6. Jake says:

    glad I could be a part of something so impactful and important. Count me in for next year, too.

  7. Tyler says:

    omg man this sucks im crying and im listening to oh calcutta.. i think i was listening to it earlier today and i was flying normally now im in bed and shit is all fucked up. biggest come down ever!!

  8. manboobs says:

    Bk need advice please. Ok mate here’s the scenario I’ve just been playing poker on my phone and I use a chicks name as my name I’m a dude so its random but I don’t know when I set up my poker account I chose that cuz I was put on the spot and couldn’t think of anything else. I know my real name would be good but I never use my real name on shit like these. Ok so I’m playing poker and u play with up to 5 players and a lot add u as friends to get the bonus points which in return gives u more chips. So this dude adds me and that’s standard I’m like oh yeh nuffa person no big deal. Anywho he starts chatting to me on the chat thingy whilst we are playing and I’m like just answering his questions been nice cuz I wanna win more fucking chips. If I get 100000 I can get in on tornaments etc. I’ve only got 11000 whilst I’m in this game so I’m just cruising winning and shit. And so yeah he’s still fucking chating like he must be stoked he thinks I’m a girl so I’m been nice asking him questions now going on with the story and I notice he’s got wo written in his name. So I ask does that stand for warrant officer and he’s all yeh I’m serving in us army and in afganistan atm. I’m like wow that’s really amazing n shit and I know bit about rankings so congratulated him on effort and whatever. Anyway he keeps on talking and shit whilst I’m playing so I’m kinda like cheesed off cuz its not really the time for that shit. So I be nice and think fuck it I’m going to bed so I write a comment to the guy and say hi man I’m going all in now but I have a shitty hand so its yours just want to give u somethig before I go to bed. So he takes it and he’s stoked anyway I bail and leave the game. And I’m just about to put my phone down after check emails and wtf he’s already written a pm to me asking more shit and saying I’m nicest person he’s met and he’s alone and whatever. Now I know this probably sounds gay or is it not gay? I don’t know like I flirted a bit whilst we were playing just for fun but I didn’t wanna fucking deal with him pm me and now its all wierd. Like do u reckon if I just delete him from my poker friends it all be good? I don’t want him thinking he sucks cuz if I was a girl id probably think he was awesome save maybe too old for me. What should I do? Bail or say hey man I’m really a dude sorry. Either way I think I might hurt his feelings. Man it s a bummer cuz he’s like a war hero and I’m just some dumb kid who thought having a chicks name was funny. Fuck anyway I know how hard it is for chicks now. I just want to be a nice person. Also hope tour is going well for ya man and dan. Be safe.

    • sniff me out like i was tanqueray says:

      Have you considered the possibility he may in fact not be a wurrtime hayro but rather Nikolai – a 12 yr old Ukrainian chess prodigy on kidney dialysis? You’re not the only liar on the internet, there are at least seven others

  9. Dr. Fuckhead says:

    He posted that like 3 days ago, if he hasn’t killed himself from all of the guilt by now, then the whole scenario probably never even mattered.

    PS – I implore/demand/request/beg the next Lawrence Arm’s tour has a leg in Florida or Georgia, fuck, South Carolina or Alabama even…I haven’t seen you guys in these parts since you played in St. Petersburg, FL with Wilhelm Scream and Lagwagon when I was like 15 or 16. Those were prime, impressionable years for me; I was in the heat of gnashing out who I was, and now, at 22, it’s time to share that again. Hypothetically, if this comes true, don’t get your hopes up about anything sentimental going on between us…I’ll likely be FAR too ripped for anything but back-up “whoa’s” and chain-smoking.

  10. manboobs says:

    Ok farmers `shit` does matter. Dude giving me his emails and `shit` for facebook. So his real alright. Don’t you worry.

    • Affleck da BOMB in phantomz yo says:

      Ohh, just shut up and deal with the retarded sitch you’ve brought upon yourself, you deplorable faggot. hehe

  11. Wussy says:

    does he really have man boobs? id bet yes, but who knows. the real question is can you make a these three magic hat #9 caps make any poetic sense? love is blind to your behind. when in rome. break the cage of the digital age. if you can ill give you a virtual high five. have fun

    • kanthackit says:

      Love is blind to your behind because anyone who wants to fuck you in the ass probably doesn’t really love you but rather is a pervert getting rocks off..

      • Wussy says:

        well you seemed to lose the point of that little riddle, mabey this one is more to yer liking. an apple tree grows apples, an orange tree grows oranges, but what do countries grow?

  12. mr meme says:

    LOL. I do hope Brendan posts his tour report soon, as that advice query was so -how do you say- pointless.

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