I don’t use this platform for the purposes of tastemaking as often as I should. As most of you know, my taste is impeccable and I’m a veritable genius of seeing things that other people like and then claiming them as my own discovery at the last possible second, to the chagrin of the true cultural detectives and to the endless amazement of people who never miss an episode of How I Met Your Mother. The point is, I know about a lot of awesome stuff and you guys out there deserve to hear about it. Most of you probably already know about most of this shit, but keep in mind, I’m an old dad who hasn’t been out on the town in damn near a fortnight and as such, blahbity blah blah blah. Okay, let’s get to it. Here are some things I’ve been enjoying lately:
Hannibal Buress- This dude is a standup comedian from Chicago. The main thing that makes him great is that he’s just intrinsically funny. When he’s at his best, he’s not even telling jokes or exerting any energy at all. He’s just standing there saying something and it’s funny because he’s just a funny guy. This is a level of comedy that few people can hope to get in on without having a speech impediment.
Too Many Daves- Holy shit!!! Where has this band been all my life? The songs are all short and awesome and about beer and it’s just everything I love about music. Too Many Daves exist somewhere between “Up Your Ass” era Grimple, Hickey and something that came out of Gainesville that your weird, skinny friend with the baldspot and the glasses and all the severe black tattoos likes that you’ve never actually wasted time listening to. Bottom line: Too Many Daves absolutely slay, and if I know anything about how the world works, if by some chance they know who I am, they think I’m a total homo, so consider this a completely unbiased and unprompted endorsement.
Up next- Fig Newtons: The Cookie: Hey parents, you know how your kid likes cookies but feeding your kid nothing but cookies turns them into doughy little shitballs? Well, look no further than the aisle with all the bullshit that gets marketed as healthy but should really just be called ‘inferior tasting candy bars’ (nutrigrain, I’m looking your direction here). Well, now Fig Newton has these cookies that are, by the standards of cookies, rather healthy and by my standards, way more delicious than most of the shit that I have to steal from my kids’ lunch in order to not starve while we’re out at the zoo. You know when you get into that weird thing with your kids where you’re forcing them to eat something terrible for them as some kind of character building exercise? Like, you’re saying “you can’t have any more French fries until you finish your chicken fingers!” and then you hear yourself and you’re like “what the fuck am I saying?” Well, these cookies kind of lessen the ‘nothing but diarrhea, no matter which way you swim’ feeling by approximately 25%. Plus, they’re good. Did I mention that?
Morningstar Farms Sausage, Egg and Cheese biscuits- Fifty five seconds in the microwave is all it takes to fire up one of these motherfuckers and boom! You’ve got a pretty satisfying breakfast that’s vegetarian but robust. Add some sriracha to that motherfucker and you’re kicking ass on a level that is usually reserved for much, much later in the day.
Tecate- Summer is upon us and you know what that means, right? Yup: Drinking out in public and blatantly disregarding the laws of our draconian prison state. Sometime last summer, I was sitting on my porch drinking Tecate and my wife said “every time I look over, I think you’re drinking a coke” which made me think. I NEVER drink soda (unless it’s mixed with rum). My wife knows this. The fact that the red can is so emblematic of coke that it completely short circuited everything my wife knows about me, even when she was the person who brought home the Tecate made me realize that if you want to walk down the street with a beer, all you have to do is buy Tecate and you’re good to go. I’ve been testing this theory for a while and I’ve had a 100% success rate so far. Yes, it’s slightly more expensive than Busch or whatever you and your shitty friends like. It’s also camouflaged, so sack up and pay the extra dollar to flout the laws of the land with impunity. You shelled out the extra money for that one hitter that looks like the cigarette and that shit’s fooling absolutely no one.
Farting- For my money, no better way to make your kid laugh than to look at them like you’re about to scold them, and then to let off a screamer. It’s viscerally satisfying and it’ll bring you closer to your children. Dudes only.
Pouzza Fest- With all due respect to all other festivals, Pouzza Fest is the best fest. Montreal is the best town, Hugo is the best fest king and overall, it’s my favorite thing I’ve done two years in a row now. Don’t sleep on Pouzza, you turds. It’s the real shit.
Okay, I gotta wait for the Air Conditioning guy now, so I’m gonna motor. Leave comments about how you guys knew all about Hannibal Buress and how he’s not funny but this other guy, who does the same thing WAAAAAAAAY better, is who I should really be checking out, and so forth, below. I look forward to your spiteful bile.
Have a good long weekend, America.