My daughter is a real pain in the dick. She’s the second child, and it’s my amateur opinion that second children are just shittier than the first ones. There are two reasons why this is so: Firstly, they’re dealing with more broken down, pathetic parents and so their day to day bullshit is just crueler because it’s being hurled at more completely helpless, destroyed individuals. Secondly, they don’t give a fuck. When my son was born, his entire world consisted of me and his mom. If we were mad at him, his universe was suddenly this dark, lonely place. Therefore, he made pretty consistent efforts to behave, right any wrongs and generally keep us on his good side.
My daughter does not give a fuck. She grew up in a universe where her older brother is always there and ready to play and if we’re pissed at her, eh, fuck it, my brother is down to play/hang out/giggle/smear shit everywhere. Therefore, when we attempt to punish her, we encounter the unflinching iron will of someone who’s not afraid to die and fuck me if it’s not frustrating.
Now, some of you that know my kids are surely saying something like “what the fuck are you talking about? That little girl is so sweet and the boy is a total monster!” To that, I can only say you’re out of your fucking mind. The boy is a boy, and therefore he’s loud, physical, and destructive, but these aren’t malicious or even particularly psychological states. They’re more just kinetic impulses. When he’s around his friends, he can act like a shithead and when I bring him into new places he sometimes explores/destroys shit. He’s also really into talking about poop and poop sandwiches these days. I think it’s funny, but I definitely understand why he could potentially have a rep as kind of a hellion. His thing tends to be that he’s kind of good all the time, with a fairly boundless and often destructive enthusiasm for everything that sometimes gets overwhelming.
My daughter is quite the opposite. She’s ridiculously cute and polite and quiet. She’s well behaved and says please and thank you and by all accounts is absolutely perfect. She doesn’t go for her brother’s fucked up reindeer games that wind up hurting people or things and generally, she’s regarded as a sort of living doll. And she is incredibly cute and good when she’s being good. However, when she decides to turn it on, she’s such an uncontrollable nightmare that it almost defies belief.
The real point at which things come to a head is when she wants something that, for whatever reason, she’s not able to actualize, be it an item, some food, or an experience. She begins loudly screeching. She begins to wail and then…then the repetitive shrieking of whatever she wants begins, and fuck me if that’s not a waterboarding-esque bit of will testing. It doesn’t stop. She will not be tired out. She’ll shriek the exact same thing, “I wanna turn off the TV” for example, for well over an hour, long after the TV has been turned off, after we’ve gotten in the car, driven to the store, gotten out of the car, gone into the store, and left the store in subsequent shame because the tiny, red thing covered in tears and mucous is still screaming “I wanna turn off the TV! I wanna turn off the TV!” and I just can’t handle that.
Trying to punish her is equally impossible. I let my son have his pacifier until he was 3. The reason I indulged his addiction for so long was perfectly selfish. Before he was able to deal in logical imperatives, threatening to take it away and/or giving it back was one of the only effective ways to negotiate his behavior. When this one starts getting saucy, she throws her pacifier at me in an act of strategic defiance before I even get a chance to take it away. She refuses to take it back and generally, she’s fucked up the whole thing by calling my bluff. It’s the same with putting her in time out. She’s fucking something up and I ask if she wants to go into time out and she says yes. Sometimes when she’s being a monster, she’ll suggest to me that she wants to go into time out, just for the sake of being defiant. Then she’ll go, wait it out and go right back to whatever bullshit she was doing that started the whole goddamn thing. It’s enraging.
She now can get out of her crib. She scales the bars and trashes her room when she should be napping. When I come in and threaten to take her blanky or her baby (her little doll thing that she loves) she throws them at me and refuses to take them back. This is vexing because without them, she absolutely won’t sleep. She is literally willing to destroy her own happiness just to stuff it up my ass that I’m not the boss of her. I don’t know what to do. She’s got me over a barrel and she’s fucking 2. By the time she’s fucking criminals in my bed while I’m at work and drinking all my booze while she should be at school I’m gonna be so broken down and mentally fragile from the years of this psychological abuse that I’m gonna have absolutely no move whatsoever.
Oh, and one time she smeared her crib, room and body with her own feces. That was awesome too.
guy. dad. husband. uncle. dog master. brother. son. uh...bad sleeper. some farts.
she sounds like a total monster.
Very reminiscent of my brother and I growing up. But now he’s the asshole.
Sorry but this might be the funniest shit that i have ever heard.
This has nothing to do w/ birth order, this is gender! This is how girls get whatever they want out of life! Haha
Agreed. She isn’t a monster. She is intuitive, manipulative and extremely intelligent. She won’t always have evil motives… or will she?
I used to do the shit smear thing too, and i turned out kick ass. Except as an adult iv shit my pants probly 6 or 7 times, i wonder if theres any correlation. Hmmmm
so my friends 2 yr. old boy has been making art and repainting his room/brushing his teeth with his shit lately. like every time he is put down for a nap/goes to bed. he eats the shit. resulting in a little dude with shit mouth. he smears the walls/himself/the crib. he throws his little round turds around the room! i have zero children so this terrifies me and now i dont really ever want to hangout with him bc dude is covered in poop all the time. so anyway, her daughter hungout with her turds maybe once or twice but generally wasn’t interested in playing with her shit. did your son have this issue? do most kids have this issue? im starting to think hes just going to end up a serial killer bc it isn’t one or two incidents and he gets fucking PISSED if you try and stop him from digging around in his diaper. dude LOVES his turds. also this has been great birth control for me. write about this please? im pretty interested in hearing about whether or not you think hes going to eat people one day or its norm and you went through a shitty hell once with your kid(s)? k bye.
I think it might be a girl thing. My daughter is nearly the same with refusing to take back her stuff and has a louder freak out if I even try. I absolutely feel the frustrations.
Your daughter’s full-body shitsuit (or however it was that you described it on Twitter at the time) is one of the primary reasons I don’t want kids. That mental image, somewhat similar to the shit demon in Dogma (but worse, ’cause it’s real), haunts me.
Also, I hope you’re keeping track of some of the awesome things your kids say (e.g. Comcast and kick in the asshole). Kids say some seriously hilarious stuff that ought to be recorded for posterity.
It’s definitely not a gender thing, I work in a daycare and some kids learn to take what they want because although we threaten a lot of shit, there’s nothin we can really do about it while the others learn- I get what I want when I’m nice.. Doesn’t matter if they’re boys or girls kids do what they do to get what they want.. And, sadly for me, I’ve seen many a child smear shit on walls just because they can.. And yet, I still went and had my own (luckily there’s been no shit smearing yet) I have a little boy who’s nearly one and a half who’s at the I want it so I’ll take it stage, and if you don’t like I’ll just scream until your on the brink of insanity.. And I’m expecting a girl before he turns two so needless to say reading this just makes me wanna tear my hair out now and get it over with..
Jim Lehrer looks like he’d literally dissolve into sand if a mild draft drifted through the DU auditorium hehe
Now shake hands, biiiig grin! Hug little, yes hug lil’ Kimberly–squeeeeeeeze FAMILY MAN!!
going to the u.s. next year from aus. Looking at accomodation, what are the good areas of chicago to stay in?
Right above the Gingerman Tavern (or whatever The Metro wants to call it).
Your blog is makes me never want to have kids and I love you for that.
Also, fuck timeout, a little smacking never hurt anyone
dudes i havent read this,, yet. but, dude. carry a sixpack im ready. no matter what bman writes im happy/sad… oh my god (omg) im happy theirs a commment this day. i havent read it, yet. i was asleep. dreaming about wanking… ha you know im fucking around, dude. fuck off iim drowning a giant crocadile
oi seriously watever dont hurt animals you assholes. unless A its tryinging to kill you
This was hilarious… Sorry but it was.
Also, it reminds me that I probably don’t want to have kids.
Hey, Verg, im looking to do the same thing. What’s your plans and also what’s your whereabouts? im in W.A. so there is a lot of diffrent flight deals and all that we can talk about. xoxo gossip boy
You are a wise man Mr. Kelly. However based on my experience this is a fuckin boy/girl issue. I have twins (boy/girl) and they are exactly how you described your kids. My daughter is a polite and quite among others but when she is with my wife and I she can be a ranging psycho. 3 year old girls are impossible dude. Can’t wait till she’s a teenager. Not sure ill make it.
Ok. Heres whats worked for me. I know all kids are different and so are parents- but I sense that what shes wanting, is to be in controll of her self, and thats just human nature.she basically said, oh yeah-go ahead, take my doll idcare! So obviously, yur threats dont mean shit period, so quit threating, and move to plan B.DOING. ? What? Thats right, lil princess is way too smart for that shit, lol.And since she one upped u, uve gotta one up her. Ok. Shes angry, and dont wannz nap, and hates threats. How about a reward? hold her, and “if u go nappy, id be SOOO happy” “and we can do whatever u want after.” And then give ideas that u know she loves.oh yeah, right, then shell just keep wanting THAT, crying”movie,now!”, or whatever u promised her. But u just be firm, and reiterate that she must behave FIRST. It takes TIME teaching lessons, so make the time, lol.And I always laid down next to them, patt back or whatever, reiterating, “honey, its time to go night night, and either firmly or gently depending on the child. And lay there w her, till she drifts off. I know its time consuming, but its the best investment of time youll ever have spent, I promise.
And for the popoo lmchao, thats another thing…….
It all depends on the personality, I swear. But if shes a controller, then controll she must have. Well then, how about- “EWWWW, CAKA YUKY !(POINT) TELL KAKA TO GO BYE BYE !” THEN, GET WIPES AND WIPE KAKA OFF AND SAY OUT LOUD, “GO BYE BYE, KAKA, YOU STINK, PEEEEEE UUUUUU!” THEN SAY “YOUR TURN, TELL KAKA TO GO BYE BYE” AND GIVE HER THE WIPEY. GUARENTEED SHELL REPEAT YU AND TELL THAT SHIT WERE TO GO, LOL! JUST AN IDEA, GOOD LUCK !
If posters 21 and 22 are serious I never wanna meet your spoiled little bastards
Sounds absolutely dreadful, luky 4 a u, Sssssshhhhh giv u sum excellent, never thought-boot-b4 advice, in easy-to-read, step-buy-step, caka yucky sucky fucky manner. Haller looya it now all fuckin down hill 4rom hear
im just checking a exspermint out. did you order pizza tonight brendan?
i sure did, bart. I sure did.
Your daughter… was born punk. Give that girl a guitar.
I have a little girl the same age who attempts this stuff, not the poop…. Thank god. But the screaming and demanding and the “not fazed by anything attitude”. The only thing that works for me is communicating to her then ignoring her. I tell her what’s going down and why, if she continues to act irrationally I ignore her. “I’m not talking to you when you act like this” kinda thing. In the store she knows she can get you by making a scene, so I make a bigger scene. She screams in the store, so will I, it shocks her. Or I ignore her. With the naps, you might have to set up a routine (if you don’t have one) to slowly begin settling down. Turning lights off, reading a few books, have her put baby doll down for a nap first. They figure you out and anticipate your reaction. So give them something they don’t expect.