Here on earth, when you’re born, you’re issued a computer. The computer you get varies in terms of how powerful it is, but the average computer is so powerful that we, as a species, have never made a computer, even a super, 2-square-block computer that can even come close to the computing ability of the one everyone gets when they’re born. These computers are powerful enough to build buildings, bridges, satellites, and synthesize nature to create things like steel and diodes and candy bars and dildos shaped like dolphins. These computers, everybody gets one, remember, are so fucking powerful that they have figured out how to go inside people and fix things that are wrong with them on molecular levels. The full potential of these computers is still very much unknown. We have a little known statistic here on earth that says ‘only one percent of the earth’s inhabitable space is on land, and of the other 99%, we’ve explored less than 10% of it.’ Believe it or not, we know somehow even LESS about these computers that we all have. But make no mistake: They’re powerful. They’re the most powerful things that we have at our disposal by far.
Now, last time I checked it out, we were hovering around 6 billion people on this earth, with more people showing up every day. That’s a LOT of supercomputers. The thing is, have you heard the theory that if you put a bunch of monkeys in front of a bunch of typewriters, eventually you’ll get the complete works of Shakespeare? Of course you have. That’s a program that’s more or less wired into the server that most of us westerners have our computers aligned with (my own personal computer does NOT like this theory, however…I believe much more in entropy, but that’s neither here nor there and I’m realizing that I’m dangerously out of my element as I type this, so nevermind all that for now…I need these monkeys and their typewriters to prove a point anyway). Well, the idea is that in great numbers of regeneration, there’s gonna be some spectacularly anomalous stuff going on. And with all these people coming to earth, and all these supercomputers being handed out, the amount of anomalous stuff happening is through the roof.
Some people are born with a computer that only barely keeps them alive. Some people are born with a computer that makes them so smart that their computers aren’t compatible with any other computers. Some people’s computers start out fine, but then someone else with a faulty computer goes in and rewires it and fucks their computer all up in the process. In short, there are a lot of extremely powerful computers out there, with unbelievable potential that are malfunctioning.
The funny thing is, here in America, we’ve closed down all the supercomputer repair shops except for the ones that are located inside jails. Beyond that, because these computers are SO powerful, we, as a nation have decided to be very, very afraid of people with malfunctioning computers to the point where we stigmatize and marginalize them. Consider that.
Someone is walking around with a malfunctioning computer that’s so powerful that it has the potential to create an atomic bomb, and we don’t have any repair shops open for them to just walk into and seek help. I’ve crisscrossed this country more times than I can count and I’ve seen lots of mental hospitals, and you know what they all have in common? They’re abandoned. Somehow, even with all this unbelievable computing power at our disposal, the best notion we’ve come up with in this country is that we wait for these people with their malfunctioning computers to commit a crime and THEN we send them in for repair. That seems crazy to the point of insane irresponsibility. Of course, here in America, our server is full to the brim with ways to scapegoat and blame, so we like to blame people’s parents and we like to blame situations and inanimate objects for things, but the truth is, really, we’re just pretending two insane things: 1) that these computers aren’t as powerful as they are and 2) that a malfunctioning computer is an extremely rare anomaly. Well, the truth is otherwise. Everyone’s malfunctioning just a little bit these days.
Now, on top of all these malfunctioning computers, this part of the world that I live in has a strange relationship with bullets. People love having the power to throw bullets through other people or animals or things at excruciatingly deadly speeds. There are all sorts of machines that do this, ranging from tiny little guys that you can keep in your boot, to big gigantic tubes that hold tons and tons of bullets and are designed for killing tons and tons of things at once. Some people think that when God made America, he gave us the right to have guns with the ability to kill as many people or things as possible in as short a time possible. Other people think that the guns that kill super fast should only be in the hands of the military and still OTHER people think that guns are very bad and that all guns should be eliminated from society, and we should have police in schools and on planes and so on and so forth, just to make sure that everyone stays safe.
Whenever people die from being shot with bullets, which seems to be all the time around here, these three groups begin yelling as loudly as possible. Usually, all three are so busy yelling their own ideas that they don’t listen to each other at all (this is actually the way that almost all arguments go around here, even unimportant ones), but here’s the thing:
If you take away everyone’s guns, then the only people who will have guns will be the cops and the bad guys. Now, I don’t want to sound like a Montana Militia dude, but a world where there are cops on every corner and the only people with guns are the cops and the bad guys sounds like one of the scariest dystopian shitscapes imaginable. People SHOULD be allowed to own guns, if for no other reason than because if they don’t, well, if and when the shit goes down (whatever said shit may be) I don’t want to have to depend on the cops and badguys to protect my family and interests. That sounds scary.
Now, having said that, I think we can all agree that enough people in America with severely malfunctioning computers have gotten their hands on assault rifles and used them to do enough unspeakable, unimaginable, horrible, nightmare inducing things that the idea of killing a whole flock of geese at once (for example) can’t POSSIBLY be enough of a reason to justify keeping these extremely dangerous weapons around. I guess, when it comes down to it, I fall into the group that thinks that people should be allowed to have guns, but not the super-killy ones, because, well, there are simply TOO MANY malfunctioning supercomputers out there, and if we’re gonna just sit around and ignore the fact that all these computers are malfunctioning, the least we can possibly do is make sure that it’s nigh impossible for the people under the command of these faulty computers to get guns that kill big flocks of people quickly and at once.
Now, if I can shift gears a moment, let me say the following: having a penis is a full time job, as any male over the age of about 11 will tell you. You think about your penis all the time, you’re constantly looking out for how to potentially get your penis into situations where it’s in the best possible spots, where someone’s taking care of your penis really nicely, and if your penis gets hurt, it’s devastating. Women can never understand, truly, what it’s like to get hit in the nuts. I know that giving birth involves a crazy pain that I can’t imagine, and I’m not trying to compare the two at all. I’m just saying that when you’re sitting around and you’re watching a skateboard blooper reel, for example, and a guy racks his nuts on a handrail, everyone cringes, but people with penises can actually kind of FEEL it. They know, just from being connected to their own fragile penises that pain that starts in the gut and goes all the way up the back of your throat, lasts for 3 days, and makes you nauseous and sometimes even barf. Having a penis is something you can’t truly understand unless you have one. You can’t understand how much of your mental space it takes up, or how badly they hurt when injured and even how badly you hurt when someone ELSE’S wang gets crushed.
Having children is the exact same way. You cannot imagine how much time I spend thinking about my kids, how much I spend every waking moment worrying about getting them into the best possible situations where people will take good care of them, and when I see or read about kids, ANY kids being hurt or abused, it crushes my soul on a level that, unless you have kids, you can’t fathom. I know this because for the last 3 days, I’ve been thinking about how I would have reacted to this Connecticut shooting before I had kids. And I know how I would have reacted: I would have been horrified, I would have been angry and I would have been disgusted, but ultimately it would have been just another heinous tragedy that passed my radar and made me vaguely more disgusted with humanity. It would not have terrified and shaken me to my core, that’s for sure. But man…shit done changed, son. And I’m shaken to the core. I can’t explain it. Either you’ve got kids, and you know exactly what I’m talking about or you don’t and you think you understand what I’m saying but you don’t. As someone who’s both had and not had kids in this lifetime, I feel pretty confident in speaking for both camps here. This entire thing is so fucking horrifying on so many levels.
The problem is clearly that there’s just not enough of a dialog about mental illness in this country and the infrastructure that we had to deal with mental illness has been dismantled and now exists almost exclusively in our prison system (which doesn’t do much for powderkeg types who haven’t yet committed any crimes). This whole thing is very fucked up and extremely sad, and while everyone bemoans ‘the hillbillies and their guns’ and ‘the libtard shitheads who want to take away my guns’ the real problem is that we don’t seem to want to take care of our sick in this country. If I got cancer tomorrow, it would bankrupt my family and that’s just the way it is. If I blew a gasket and became mentally unstable, there’d be no one for my wife to call to get me and/or take care of me because I’ve never been convicted of any crimes. All anyone can come up with is militarizing safe zones, but putting cops in a school is no substitute for caring for the sick. It’s like putting a Band Aid on a slit throat.
Yup. That’s all.