I Have Maggots In My Scrooooooooootum!

Humanity is bizarre. The western world is particularly odd and it seems sort of irreconcilable.  Take bums for example: Now, I’m not talking about elderly people who have been evicted due to slashed or stolen pensions, or the guy who’s house got foreclosed and is now living in his car and working at the Laundromat, and I’m DEFINITELY not talking about white kids who have nothing better to do than sit on the street with signs that say “why lie? I need a beer” (which was maybe refreshing in its honesty in 1991, but for all you summertime squatters out there reading this, that sign is played out. Try, something like “Give me a dollar and I’ll let this dog off the rope” or “give me a dollar and I’ll cut off my stupid white guy dreadlocks” “give me a dollar and I’ll punch this gross douche sitting next to me in the dick” or even “give me a dollar and I’ll give you a ride home in my Range Rover.” That’s the kind of post-postmodernist effluvious drool that the zeitgeist is currently mired in…just FYI).

Anyway, when I say bums, I’m referring, of course, to black dudes who have gotten old enough that their weird crazy has completely metastasized their being and they’re standing there with pee and food bits on them and they’re sometimes gross and sometimes kind but always visibly unhinged. And, sure. Okay, fine. The bum-flavor-possibility arc is a many splendored rainbow, but if we’re going out and counting bums, we’re getting a disproportionate number of crazy black dudes between the ages of ‘no longer young’ and ‘dead.’  Anyway, specific race is not the greater point here. However, it bears mentioning that there are few groups of people that we, as an earth fear on the level that we fear crazy black men with nothing to lose, and a huge percentage of these bums fall into that category. And yet, if we live in a city, we see these guys every day, not doing anything particularly scary at all, besides just existing, and reminding all of us about what can happen if the world decides, en masse to ignore you forever. That kind of large scale cold-shoulder-treatment would probably make anyone crazy, don’t you think?

Well, there are two ways of interacting with bums. Actually, if you count “ignoring them completely” as an interaction (which would make you bad at semantics, by the way) then there are three. You can 1) be personable, as in, respond to their request either with money, food or just a phrase like “sorry man. Not today” or you can 2) be cruel. This involves any other interaction that falls outside of the parameters of category 1.

Lots of people choose category 2 or category minus-1 (the ignoring) because they feel like life is hard enough. They feel like they never stood on any corners and asked for handouts. They feel like there’s nothing good that’s gonna come from giving this bum a dollar because he’ll either (worst case scenario) spend it getting high and therefore getting all wound up to commit crimes or (best case scenario) be encouraged by the fact that he is getting paid for standing there and never, ever get off the streets and get a job.

Of course, these dudes really do need help, but truly, a dollar is not the help they need. They need mental health facilities and people who are trained to listen and medicate and attempt to understand and repurpose them as the closest possible thing to good citizens as they can be. But that shit ain’t happening. That’s a LOT of money and effort just for some bums, man. And the truth is, bums aren’t even the ones committing crimes. In fact, bums are some of the most murdered motherfuckers out there. If you’re remarkably cruel, a bum problem is one that solves itself once a crime wave or particularly rough snowstorm hits. (side note: do you know why there are very few female bums? Because the lure of pussy is so strong that putting a crazy person in your house in exchange for getting laid is one of the more common transactions that we make in this world. Dicks may be sensitive and may hurt for a week if punched, but they’re remarkably singleminded and staunch in their determination, even in the face of obviously bad ideas.)

So anyway, last night, I went to see Book Of Mormon, which I cannot recommend highly enough. It’s a musical about the disparities on this earth taken to ridiculous extremes and it’s easily the best musical I’ve ever seen, one of the best live shows I’ve ever seen, and also remarkably shit-your-pants funny, considering that raping babies and having AIDS are a big part of the story. The show was at the Bank Of America Theater, which was designed by an extremely whimsical architect who had zero regard for how people were ever going to get in, out or to and from their seats and/or the bathrooms.

During the fifteen minute intermission, I hauled ass to get in what I knew was going to be a long line to pee. The line stretched up a large flight of stairs and around a corner, spilling back into the bar area which was tucked in an alcove beyond yet another flight of stairs. So, the line crept forward and eventually I reached the bottom of the stairs. I was almost to the point where I was at the bathroom door when a man in his late fifties/ early sixties, wearing a black leather Members Only style jacket, tiny spectacles (not unlike the ones Jake Jarmel got in Indonesia, for those of you who know/care what that means) and a petulant little mustache came casually wandering up and tried to shoulder his way into the line in front of me.

I tapped him on the shoulder and pointed up, to the rather long line full of men, all of whom were presumably squeezing their kegel muscles, uncomfortably holding in their urine. The guy looked at me and said “well, I’m not waiting in that line” as though I’d just suggested that he reach into my asshole to find a marble to swish around in his mouth.

I responded “well, you’re not getting in front of me either,” so he got behind me. He just squeezed in the line right behind me and the pathetic pud (and subsequent pathetic puds behind HIM) just let this dude cut the line despite the fact that everyone in the line was patiently waiting to relieve their own physical discomfort in a very small window of time. The guy spoke into the back of my head. He said, very sarcastically “you’re a really good guy.” I said, “look, asshole, we’re trying to have a society here. Everyone is waiting in line, don’t be a dick.” And he said, to the back of my head, “You should be proud.” I replied, “What? What the fuck are you talking about? YOU cut in the line here, and now you’re turning this around as though it’s some kind of moral failure on my part? What the fuck did I do?” To which he responded “You figure it out.”

Well, I couldn’t figure it out. And I still can’t. What I do know is that the man in question was obviously very wealthy. He had expensive designer clothes and accessories on. He clearly has a sense of self entitlement that, very explicitly dictates that he’s above the rules that everyone else needs to follow and I can only assume that his attitude has had no small role in propelling him to his level of success, and likewise, that his level of success has augmented his shitty attitude. My thoughts, as I returned to my seat, were that that guy did not get to where he was by letting people cut in front of him in the line on his way to the bathroom. In my actions, he could have only seen something approaching what he would have done were he in my position (the fact that he’d never wait in the line in the first place notwithstanding), but even though he knows that on some level, there was no empathy or understanding, no acquiescence, only bile, because I was getting in the way of his good time. I definitely am not suggesting that I was any sort of badass, or a hero or anything. I was just a minor annoyance, nothing more. In fact, I was a bit of a wimpy pussy about the whole thing. However, I was, by being mildly miffed at his mildly offensive behavior, reminding him of what a dick he is. And he responded with anger since he had no intention of transforming into a non-dick anytime soon.

In that way, I was his crazy old black guy on the street. That’s maybe part of why people respond cruelly to them. Their very existence is just a series of reminders that we’re selfish dicks who are too busy to wait in lines and care about the needs of everyone behind us, and they, those fucking wise-ass bums, should be real fucking goddamned proud of themselves for being out there, covered in piss and pigeons, making us feel like shit simply because we’re too selfish and lazy to help them.

Fucking weird stuff, man. Earth is mean. Humans are weird.


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33 Responses to I Have Maggots In My Scrooooooooootum!

  1. Johnny says:

    The most important stuff I learned about how to treat/interact with bums, I learned from the inner sleeves of Crimpshrine records.

  2. QueenBee says:

    “It was a damp and chilly afternoon, so I decided to put on my sweatshirt!”

  3. dustyfloors says:

    When people give me a hard time about giving bums a dollar or suggest that I actually take the bum into McDonalds to buy him the sandwich he wants (Which everyone suggests but I have to ask how many people do we see in line at McD’s with a bum on their arm?) I ask them that what’s wrong with someone in that shitty situation wanting to get drunk/high/whatever since their not really a 1/4 pounder with cheese away from getting an apartment?

  4. Murdock says:

    There was a dude in town who would go out during the holidays with a a bag filled with airplane sized Vodka bottles and a camera. He would go up to homeless individuals and give them a bottle in exchange for singing, “Jingle Bells” while he filmed them. The whole thing was edited together and screened at a local college People went bonkers over it but it just totally bummed me out.

    • Bojangles McFabuliss says:

      Time frame? Just curious if he’s an innovator or just another Bumfights coattail clinger spreading his watered down, more palatable homegrown iteration to the local douchebags. If this was as recent as ’06 he probably needs to be spirited away to Guantanamo

  5. Duff McLaunchpad says:

    That was an excellent post. Right up there with anyone’s stuff, no bullshit.

    I’m going to go downtown and find one of those lady bums now.

  6. Jake says:

    My only guess is maybe he has some sort of bladder disorder or another nonvisible disability that makes is impossible to hold his urine and/shit? More likely though he is probably just a self-absorbed dickwad.

  7. That was a really interesting post.

  8. AIM says:

    thanks for posting on my birthday! nice read as always

  9. Dan says:

    Did you read the explosm.net (Cyanide and Happiness) comic for today or is everyone just wondering why there are no female bums

  10. Caniggula says:

    Etymology of effluvious? Not recognized in any dictionaries but people clearly use it colloquially, so. Pleez answer! If you can engage this dumbass asking about that stupid comic you can address me for eight seconds. Thx hehe~

  11. Welcome to every queue in France, my man.

  12. Dave says:

    For a while my wife was dealing the bottom rung of the socioeconomic ladde, at her job, and I was dealing with the very top rung at my job. It’s interesting how our stories on their sense of entitlement were appallinging similar. In my experience, that it who has the strongest sense of entitlement – both extremes of the income scale, with the wealthy side ahead by a nose.

    It is amazing to think sometimes of the percentage of people out there who simply do not give a flying fuck about things like courtesy, having to wait in line, or simple human consideration. It makes me sick most of the time just dealing with the public in simply everyday transactions.

  13. Cameron says:


    This was posted on the very same day, how spooky! I guess homeless lady fever was in the air on the 13th.

  14. kanthackit says:

    That guys a royal piece’o’shit B.. For standing up for yourself I commend u with 2 attaboys..

  15. comfort in buns says:

    I guess one could make a reasonable case TSA “agents” are quietly the worse folks on earth, right? Certainly give Dr Phil and prison guards a run for the money at the very least

  16. Batman says:

    Aquaman tried to cut in front of me one time. Waiting in line at the Hall of Justice cafeteria. I broke his fucking legs.

    • comfort in buns says:

      And that’s why you were my childhood go-to guy. Don’t take no shit. Really? Some humanoid dork from another planet or gawky weirdo that got bit by a glowing spider? That’s who you wanna have stupid childhood dreams about and dress as for Halloween? Aquaman is def the worst by a country mile though

      • Aqualad says:

        There’s no way Batman could ever break Aquaman’s legs. That motherfucker lives on the bottom of the ocean, where the pressure is much greater than a shitty rich white dude could apply to his legs.

        He is the king of the fucking ocean. All of the oceans. He also doesn’t spend his life beating the shit out of the poor, destitute and addicted.

        … also, he is my father.

        • comfort in buns says:

          Yes, I’m sure an exoskeleton-y mechanical device that could assist in snapping Aquachoad’s legs like twigs is the ooone gadget that continues to elude both Bats and Lucius. Nevermind that “beating the shit out of the poor and destitute” is a very myopic, intellectually dishonest take on the matter. Has there ever been an Aquaman/Capn Planet crossover? Boy howdy I bet that’d be some pulse pounding stuff.

  17. comfort in buns says:

    Ok so the line from Ted where he impersonates the big foreheaded fish and says, all lisp-y, “I went to New York once in 1981 and I just DID NOT feel safe!” –

    Is it a jab at real ugly middle-aged worry wart gay men, or highly unattractive Jewish women with ‘irrational rape fear’? Either possibility is golden

  18. Batman says:


  19. Ssssshhh says:

    I have internal bleeding says the man. Can u please let me go before u ? What man would confess?? Whats two minutes ? Oh yeah, looks are everything. Oh shit, diareah ? Who would confess ? What if? two minutes? seriously, what man cuts in line unless his ass is fallin out, lol. They dont even go t doctor unless brains are brused. Jus sayin

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