Tits!

Before we get to my prepared remarks, let me encourage all of you who live in the storm ravaged zone that is NYC and surrounding areas to come see me, Dave Hause (of the Loved Ones) Jenny Owen Youngs, punk rock comic Kyle Kinane and a very special surprise guest (hint, it’s Bono) this Monday, the 12th of November at the Knitting Factory in Brooklyn. Tickets are still available here. I’m getting into NYC tomorrow morning, so I’m also down to have any sort of glitterati power lunches or whatever the fuck else you guys are into at any time this weekend. How’s that? Anyway, come to the show.  Should be a real gas. Now, onto today’s very important topic:

 

Wang havers, beav havers, multis and neither-regionals, how’s it going? We have lots of differences here in the human race, but one place where we net out as a team is in the nipples department. We’ve all got them. I’ve got them, you’ve got them. Your grandma has them and so does your dad and son and hot friend. I don’t like the word nipples at all. I have some sort of innate revulsion to it, in much the same way that many women hate the word ‘moist.’ I don’t know what it is, since nipples themselves don’t bother me, and in fact, I’m rather fond of them on tits.

Now, there is a subculture…well, I don’t know if ‘subculture’ is really accurate. I haven’t done the requisite research, but there are dudes out there, mostly larger gayer dudes, who get really into their nipples and pumping them up and ‘engorging’ them (another word I really am not fond of) and generally turning their nipples huge. This is apparently pretty hot in certain circles, but uh…well, it’s not hot to me. Not even a little. Whatever. Not my cup of tea. Some of you have those giant labia earlobes too. I also think those are distinctly not-hot. I think pierced genitals are kind of gnarly. In fact, as I consider it, I guess you could say that I’m not a huge fan of a whole bunch of different body modifications, but that’s not to say I particularly dislike them. I just have the same reaction to seeing stretched out earlobes or pierced clits or machine-enhanced nipples that my mom does to seeing me covered in tattoos. I think “ah, see…why would you go and do that? Shit was just fine before. Now it looks all fucked up and painful.”

But whatever. That’s just my personal taste. I have plenty of friends who are into stretching and dick piercing and I’m not about to write someone off just because they want to stick their nipples in a tube and blow ‘em up to the size of peanut M&M’s. Do your thing, dude. I DO kind of get into a different situation when shit starts getting more extreme. Like, big face tattoos (not little guys right by your eye…I’m talking a big, real face tattoos), getting your tongue split in half, total future primitive bullshit like bones through your nose and lip plates and shit (obviously, people from the Amazon and Chad and places like that are exceptions to this), or any of that thing where you put balls in your face to make it bubble…If you’re going there, I’ve got some serious reservations about you before we even get to know each other. It seems like a LOT of work to go through to make yourself uh…weird. Frankly, I don’t need to be hanging out with anyone who needs that much attention, and that’s really saying something because I, as well as a lot of my best friends, like to stand on elevated platforms in front of crowds and loudly shout things into amplified microphones. That’s some serious attention seeking behavior, but there’s a difference. Namely, it occupies a time and a place and there’s a certain point where it shuts off. But if you’re one of those guys who’s reshaped his face to be that of a lizard, you’re creating a stir everywhere you go, and if you don’t think that sounds like it would turn into a nightmare really, really fast, then my perception of you is that you don’t think things through very well.

None of this is really what I’m interested in talking about though. I wanna get back to nipples, if we could. I touched on this in the last entry (entitled ‘Victory?’). Motherfuckers are just getting their nipples straight up removed these days. As far as I can tell, you go in, someone cuts out your nipples and sews your chest back up. Why, I can’t fathom. I mean, nipples are okay. I like mine just fine. They’re not crucial to my day or anything, but fucking A. They’re a part of my body. Getting them removed is just so completely off the table in terms of ideas of ‘what to do with my nipples’ that I just can’t even fathom why someone would ever be interested in doing it.

I mean, I guess it looks ‘cool’ because it’s different and shocking. If people are splitting their dicks in half for kicks, which they are, then I guess getting your nipples removed really ain’t shit. Still though, I have two little kids. What the fuck is gonna be going on by the time they’re angsty teens out to defy me and their mom? Is my son gonna come home with his face removed, or moved onto his ass or something? My sweet little daughter, what’s in store for her? A third tit? No cheeks? Who knows? This nipple removal thing is so utterly (udderly!) gross to me. Barf. Barf barf ew. Pretty sure it’s Obama’s fault somehow.

That’s all.

See you Monday, Brooklyn!

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11 Responses to Tits!

  1. car painter says:

    3 tits might be cool. Just kidding. We have a guy walking around our city with bic lighters in his cheeks and lips. Sweet huh.

    • kanthackit says:

      If u wanna see what three tits looks like watch Total Recall, featuring the Governator of California.. Freakin HOT alien chick with a nice rack’a triple tits, also known as TRITTIES!! Man this wasn’t kinda blog entry today beex..

  2. how to feign your gaggin' says:

    Ohh pshhaw! Women deplore ‘moist’ because it brings to mind leakage and saturation and thus their myriad weird pussy issues and and how, objectively, that whole ecosystem is pretty gnarly. I know you already know that shit perfectly well. But yeah, they really do hate it. You’re on to somethin

  3. how to feign your gaggin' says:

    ‘Some gwar shit’ would prob be the most sensible way to collectively refer to/dismiss all that stuff, IMO

  4. kanthackit says:

    In other kanthackit news.. A New Dick Joke.. I mean that is what we do here right? Anyway.. Here goes.. (to the attractive person @the gym) SO.. I see you are into fitness.. How’s about fitness DICK in your MOUTH! GoodLuck in NYC

  5. Ssssshhh says:

    Frigging wierd.Did you see the “bagel heads” from Japan ? Its really disgusting. I mean, even if I hung out w a bunch of bagel heads all day long, I dont think they could EVER talk me into thinking it looked good, LOL! And I deff dont need an extra hole in my head, right inbetween my eyes, out front for all to see, DUH. LMFAO. Shits too much X’D

    • takashi miiike's shitty ass movies says:

      Hahaha! Takahashi niggeratchi! My eeejectiburr saayreen soruushin lasss apploximitly sisstee tu truunty faaaw ouwaa!! diiin yoo caalm baaack faaaw maaaw!

  6. Agile thief says:

    Christ this coat of yours stinks. Do you just wrap this thing around a plate of turds on the floor of your closet in the offseason?

  7. Great set last night. Thanks for signing the 7″ I bought.

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