Code!

Good morning, fellow doomed passengers aboard the spacecraft Earth. It’s 640 and I’m awake and typing in my underpants for no other reason than because I’ve got a job these days, at least for the moment, and I’m currently embroiled in a very fancy promotion for a very fancy Chicken magnate (I can’t tell you who he is, but he’s a southern gentleman with an impeccable military record) and in general, I wanted to get out there and tell you guys how badly you all blew it by not hiring me into your own office. Oh, what’s that? You don’t have a place for me? Listen, all your office memos could be written in this dick-snapping prose that you’re currently reading (while you currently shit) and you guys could be sending out client proposals that have terms like ‘electric pee’ (semen euphemism) and ‘heavily bedonged’ in them, but whatever. You blew it.

Oh! Speaking of heavily bedonged, The Lawrence Arms are playing a rock show at the Metro in Chicago the Saturday after Thanksgiving. There are still a few tickets left, so get those or forever wonder at the mysteries of the puppet show. Also, in semi-related news, my good buddy and human lutefisk, Sam Russo has joined the humble ranks of the Red Scare faithful, pledging his fealty, strength and eternal virginity to the cause, so go check him out. Rumor has it that he’s appearing at the Fest, as though he were some sort of drunk, bearded asshole. Go check his shit out.

In other news, what can I tell you? I’m playing a rock show, solo style, in the greatest city in the world next month. I can’t get specific until today at noon, so I can’t provide any details. BUT, let me just say that if you think you personally live in the world’s greatest city (and you live in New York) you’re on the right track to witnessing the unencumbered glory that is me performing without the stress of having to keep time with other people or worry about embarrassing anyone who’s not me. If any of you missed my last solo NYC performance (at the mercury lounge a few years back) uh…good. Come to this one. It’s gonna be a paragon of heartily conceived professionalism. For those of you who WERE at that show, uh…this one will be better, or at the very least different, in that I plan on both starting AND finishing a few songs this time. Again, I can’t give you any details, but if you go to Twitter around noon and look for the Jaded Punk Hulk, I think you’ll find that he’s gonna be promoting this shit as though it were his idea. Other people that I expect to be promoting the show are Dave Hause, Jenny Owens Young, Kyle Kinane and the Knitting Factory in Brooklyn. These are just guesses. Again, I can’t tell you any details, but let me just say that if you’re in an undisclosed borough of an undisclosed global culture center between the dates Nov 11 and Nov 13, you’ll probably be pretty close to figuring out where in the world I’m playing.

Wow. This blog entry is like the DaVinci code or something. Pretty cool. Good luck deciphering my cryptography, assholes!

Man, I had this whole thing planned today about how I was gonna let you all in on the real reason that dudes hate it when you bang their daughters (the answer is less/more creepy than you’d imagine) but there was just so much in the way of day to day memoranda to deal with that I guess we’ll have to leave that for another time. In conclusion, fuck you guys. I’m going to work.

Fart.

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17 Responses to Code!

  1. dustyfloors says:

    Should I still be confused as to where this show is at?

  2. QueenBee says:

    Should I still be confused as to this “job”?

    • Jake says:

      I think he works at KFC…and dammit when the hell are Larry Arms gonna do a proper US tour!!??

      • QueenBee says:

        Working at KFC? How depressing. I hope that’s not the case. But hey, whatever brings in the bucks, right?
        Also, that proper US tour should include Toronto as well. We’re close to the border and friendly.

        • Neil says:

          I would assume working “for” KFC is more likely than “at” KFC (also, based on the description, it’s clearly Popeye’s, the clue is in the gentlemen’s mention).

          Also, yeah… that Toronto thing, yes. And/or the Red Dog in Peterborough. Saw your homies (and 1-degree of separation aquaintances) The Flatliners there 2 years ago. Ballin’. Plus, they have a ramp so… good times.

  3. Heathbar says:

    If New York is the world’s greatest city, that explains everything.

  4. MikeyRhed says:

    how about a west coast tour. I’m sure your job would understand just fine.

  5. fecund ditty / dandriano's cute waiter jealousy says:

    dave hause looks like lenny venito. So he should maybe cool his jets

  6. cabbage patch adams says:

    Oh k, so Kyle Kinane + all this. Was wondering when those two worlds would converge

  7. Brent says:

    Do yourself a favor and walk across the street to Fette Saw (German for “fat pig”) when the knitting factory show is over. I’d say go before the show but I don’t think you having to perform on the couch would go well for anyone there. It may be the best BBQ spot on earth. Probably not but it’s the best in NY by far. You’re welcome.

  8. comfort in buns says:

    Aww goodness, wouldn’t ya know it guys? 2016: King Obama Secrit Americuh Da Vinci Armuhgeddin is ALREADY on video! We may be lookin at a new record for theater-to-dvd window

  9. comfort in buns says:

    He has a plaaaaaaan. It’s aaaaaaaaall….paaaart of the plaaaaaaan (smacks lips; corny facial tic)

  10. cabbage patch adams says:

    Ohh ok, Kinane had a lil stint on that piece of shit show Workaholics. Thats why everyone knows him now

  11. barry bulkhead says:

    the worst part about house sharing is you can’t hide the milk!

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