SLAPSTICK CONTENT (oh, and a new song, unrelated to Slapstick)

Hey kids. We’re coming up on Riot Fest Chicago weekend, aren’t we? I’m excited. You? To get you guys in the mood, here’s a link to a video of me playing a new song called the Profiteers last weekend in Toronto. This particular song was brand new and became kind of a staple on that Euro tour that I did with Dan Andriano. For that, it’ll always provide me with a belly of good feelings. I’d like to dedicate this version to Sam Russo and his completely transparent penis.

Hey! Speaking of transparent penises and Dan Andriano, yesterday Slapstick practiced. It was pretty funny. For those of you who don’t know, Slapstick was a band I was in back in high school. We started when I was sixteen and broke up when I was 18. We briefly got back together a year later and did 2 shows, but we’ve been dormant since then. The people who were in that band remain some of my very favorite guys in the world and some of them have gone on to dizzying success in the world of law (Matt Stamps) while pretty much everyone else went on to play in such bands as Less Than Jake, The Honor System, Tuesday, The Broadways, Alkaline Trio, Lord, The Lawrence Arms, The Falcon, Ratasucia, Whale|Horse, Duvall, The Smoking Popes, Colossal, and so forth. You get the idea. Lots of bands came out of this one band we were in back when we were all in high school, which is cool and surprising when you consider that pretty much all these bands are/were pretty decent. Talk about a million monkeys on a million guitars…

Anyway, as a result, Slapstick (which was a ska punk band, hence the hilarious amount of members) has not completely faded from memory yet and last year we reunited to play the Asian Man spectacular festival which took place in San Francisco and celebrated fifteen years of Mike Park scooping cupped handfuls of farts from his asshole right up to his nose, putting out records and overall being a great dude. At that point it had been fourteen years since our last show. We were all understandably nervous and as a result, we spent a lot of time listening to all the old songs, figuring out which songs were still good (which is a kind of weird thing for a nostalgia act to do…the actual quality of the product isn’t important, that’s not what you’re selling…you’re selling the memory, which makes being in Slapstick in a post 9-11 world an entirely unique experience for me [and I think for all of us] because the goal, in stark contrast to, say, the Lawrence Arms, is NOT to change, not to strive for more, but rather to continue doing exactly what we’re known for and have already done), which little subtleties we’d have to remember, and generally reacquainting ourselves with the catalog.

Once it was time to practice, we all converged on a garage in San Jose from such scattered exotic global locales  as Chicago, Madison, Bellingham Wa, St. Augustine Fla, and Elgin Il. to see what we could do. Amazingly, it was like we’d never missed a day. We’d all spent so much time practicing on our own, playing and singing along with the recordings, that we were essentially stage-ready as soon as we all got together.

Well, I’m sure you see where this is going. For this show, the one happening tomorrow, my attitude was a lot more cavalier. “Shit,” I said. “Last time we nailed it after a fourteen year break. This time it’s only been a year. We’re gonna be fine.” Apparently, we all had this attitude because yesterday we got into the practice space and uh…well, these songs are fast and goofy as shit and we were laughing and flubbing notes and missing stops and generally fucking the goat (Dutch expression meaning ‘blowing it’). By the end of practice, we were back up to where we needed to be, but that first 20 minutes, whooooooohooooooooo. Call the stink-bulance (which, just in case that doesn’t translate to text, is like an ambulance that takes things that stink to wherever you take things to unstink them…eh, needs work).

This afternoon, Slapstick will practice one more time, then tonight, I play a solo show at the Empty Bottle with the Alkaline Trio. That shit should be fun, but man alive, tomorrow is the main event, when our dumb highschool ska band comes out and plays after such real live acts as Andrew WK, GWAR, Cursive, Hot Water Music and Gaslight Anthem. It boggles the mind, frankly, and like I said, I’m completely aware that those bands (well, with the exception of GWAR, probably) are real bands putting out new material and generally pushing shit forward and the only thing bringing people to see Slapstick is nostalgia, the desire to see if we can still play these songs (we can), to see if we’re all fat and bald (oh yeah) and generally to witness the spectacle of a bunch of old men playing trumpets and ska while a 36 year old man sings the words he wrote when he was sixteen (sigh) but srsly guyz, this shit is gonna be SO MUCH FUN. I don’t think I can overstate how much I love Matt, Dan, Dan, Rob and Pete. I’m really happy to just hang out with everyone. Great times.

Oh, and we’ll be playing a bunch of songs from our upcoming new album. We’ve written seventeen songs and we’re paring it down to an almighty 12 that will skank your dick right back into the 90s, when it could still get hard and you could sleep without drinking/crying. Get stoked assholes. I know I am.

BK

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26 Responses to SLAPSTICK CONTENT (oh, and a new song, unrelated to Slapstick)

  1. QueenBee says:

    Wish I were in Chicago this weekend. Or ever, really.
    Meh, it’s probably for the best. Being in the same room as BK and Skiba at the same time would probably just make my ovaries explode.

  2. Brian says:

    Wait, is that part at the end about a new album for real?

  3. xacd says:

    “If it looks like shit and it smells like shit then there’s a guy who’s gonna try and put his dick in it” is one of the best lyrics ever.

  4. Pooey~! says:

    What? Call the walk-in clinic doc to divulge a detail or two you neglected to mention during your visit less then two hours prior, owing to the general uncomfortable aura of the establishment and palpably rushed nature of the exam (“Let’s get you out of here–I’m a moderately attractive 48 year old woman and don’t particularly care for facial hair”) and concerning your apprehension over squeezin cortisporin otic drops into your ear on account of potential ototoxicity in the event of a ruptured eardrum, the presence of which was never really confirmed/denied? FORGET IT sir. You will speak to a snippy nurse who will relay your inquiry to the MD and who clearly isnt writing any of this shit down, for we are an operation marked by strict but dubious protocol!. Dr. Wilson is far too busy wolfin down Sweet Rewards or browsin the triathlon forums or whatev to deal with your directly by smartphone for 80 seconds. Ya know?

    • Pooey~! says:

      There IS a line of diet goodies known as sweet rewards no? Can one of the fatter female regulars kindly c/d?

    • Pooey~! says:

      And please take a seat, bizarre 150lb. former marine/nerd hybrid with cokebottle glasses pacing lobby with both hands in pockets as your lumpy 5’6″ dad/uncle spouts near-non sequiturs re: Obama at a tv recap of the Libyan consulate attack…you’re making everyone far more anxious than they need be

  5. car painter says:

    Hes joking about the album right? That would rule.

  6. John Gentile says:

    “I’m completely aware that those bands (well, with the exception of GWAR, probably) are real bands putting out new material and generally pushing shit forward and the only thing bringing people to see Slapstick is nostalgia,”

    Actually, I’d argue that you are underselling GWAR (Unless, of course, you were just saying that GWAR is not a “real” band and not commenting on GWAR pushing music forward).

    In fact, I’d argue that GWAR is more clever, daring, and innovative than any of those other bands that you have mentioned. I can’t think of any other band, except maybe Alice Cooper, who has so cleverly and masterfully described the human experience from outside the class. Plus, GWAR’s music really freakin rocks.

    Check out Scumdogs of the Universe, America Must Be Destroyed, and War Party, and I think you might change your mind.

  7. BigMike666 says:

    Remember that one time you made fun of motorcyclists? I bet they still hate you for it.

  8. GWAR GUM says:

    WEEEEEEEEEE SUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! WE FUUUUUCCKKKKINNNN SUUUUUUUUUUUU…………………..

  9. GWAR GUM says:

    WEEE CUUUM FRRUUM THA PLAAAANNNET XANTHAN…………….NO,THOSE ARE ARE SWWWWOOORRRRNN…..GWWWWAAAAAAR SSAAAAAAAAAAD…..PRIMORDIAL MYTHOLOGY REEAAALLLY FOR LOSERS……THATS WHY BBEEEEEEEEXX ASHAMED…..FUNDAMENTALLY BAAAAAAD….WHHHHHY BEEEEEEX LOOOOK LIKE GIIIRRL SAY HEEE CUTE FIVE MINS BEFORE HE PLAY THAT TWANGY TUNE I NOT MADE MY MIND ABOUT!I SWEAR I DONT KNOW OF PUNK HULK….THE BLOOM NO WEAR OFF WHOLE TIME HE PLAY IT????????/

    • Latina pussy problemz says:

      Wait, is the gag that you’re the one-note dildo behind punk hulk smash, or that it seems mighty likely that beeEx is? I’m trying to decide if I love or hate this

    • Latina pussy problemz says:

      I missed that xanthan shit the first time around; makes it a gem either way

  10. GWAR GUM says:

    MOST OF US NOT MADE OUR MINDS MAYBE?

  11. QueenBee says:

    Anyone still hoping for a recording of “Nuts Nuts We Want Nuts”?

  12. Hispanic female hygiene says:

    Anyone else scored that hilarious ad for the Pizza Hut ‘Big Dinner Box’ yet at page right? Ya gonna eat that whooooole thing yourself sir, you fuckin looooooza!? lol

  13. GWAR GUM says:

    EXCUSE FOR WRITE XANTHAN..

  14. GWAR GUM says:

    IF IT OLD AS SHIT/BUT NOT STALE ONE BIT/IT LIKELY HAVE A BIT OF GUAR GUM IN IT…..U CANT SEE BUT I QUUUUIIIITE PLEASED WITH SELF

  15. Jose says:

    That last paragraph is a bit confusing… it sounds as if Brendan is confirming that there is a new Slapstick record on the way. My friend is convinced it’s a joke/reference to the 17 songs record. So which is it?

  16. GWAR GUM says:

    TO JENNY JOHNSON U CAN TWEET,”NEXT YOUR GONNA TELL ME RIKKI RACHTMAN WAS ACTUALLY A TOTAL BUTT GUY”.NOT TOTAL AIRTIGHT BUT FUNNIER THAN WHAT SHE SAY OR U MIGHT THINK OF.I GOT YOUR BACK BEE

  17. J.R, says:

    why hate on GWAR? anyways, Brendan, give us another album you fuck!

  18. poosey says:

    i got a haircut at my local pet store.

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