How Dark is Our Garden?

How fucked up is the world at large, do you think? It’s really hard to say. A lot of folks bandy about terms like ‘humans are basically good’ but that doesn’t really say much, you know? This world is full of child prostitutes, to use just one horrific example, which means that there’s a market for child prostitutes (ie people that want to fuck kids who also are okay with the notion of fucking kids [and these two things are not the same…one’s a desire and the other is at best crazily selfish and at worst sadistic and evil]) and there are also people willing to traffic in child sex workers and profit off of the suffering of kids. To me, this is worse than just being a pedophile. A pedophile is dealing with some seriously fucked up issues and they’re all wrapped up in desire and biological imperatives and stuff. Someone who’s just willing to exploit kids for money…to sell them and keep them enslaved like that…that’s just about the darkest thing imaginable. God. Depressing.

On another only slightly less terrifying note, lots of people in this world are interested in killing others. Some enjoy the framework of international disputes while others just like driving down to the pier and cutting up a hooker with a Ginsu set. I’ve never been in a situation in my life where someone refused to exercise even the slightest bit of mercy. Well, this isn’t entirely true. I’ve been to the UPS pickup and/or the DMV and stood there dumbfounded while pissed off ladies refused to give even the slightest fuck about the myriad problems faced by rooms full of people. But that’s not really what I’m talking about here. When someone’s killing you, it’s safe to assume that there’s really nothing you can do or say that will stop them from inflicting that greatest of earthly horrors upon you. That’s a lack of mercy that most of us have thankfully never had to stare down.

Right now, somewhere on earth,  someone is probably hiding under a bed with their family and someone stronger is about to drag them out and start killing and hurting loved ones capriciously, right in front of each other for no other reason than to be cruel. I just witnessed my daughter get claustrophobic in her new kitty cat sweater. She was losing her mind. These two examples of loved ones freaking out, when placed side-by-side really highlight how good I’ve got it right here and now, today. Talk about first world problems. Sheesh.

So far, we’ve been discussing the real darkest of the dark: child sex trafficking and genocidal death squad shit. But there’s lots and lots of dark between here and there. People are casually racist or cruel to the weak or the marginalized. This happens on a day to day basis. Motherfuckers make other motherfuckers suck dicks for drugs. Kids beat up other kids for being fags or being small or being crippled or fat or whatever. You see this shit on the news and hear anecdotes about all of this – the kid fucking in some Thai village, the Sudanese rape gang soldiers, the torture at the hands of Guantanamo officials, the bullying that leads to suicide, the dude that gets tied to the bumper and dragged along the road…all this is stuff we read and hear about every day. And yet I don’t think I know anyone capable of doing any of it.

Is that because I live in such a protected and soft pocket of the world? I’m sure that has something to do with it, but I can’t help but hear the old “people are basically good” maxim echoing through my head even as I make excuses for why I don’t know any monsters (well, I probably do. I just don’t know that they’re monsters). Is it really more the norm to be terrified than to not be terrified? I mean globally. Like, take a count of all the billions of people on this thing, are more of them living in perpetual fear than not? And even if that’s the case, does that math equate to the world being evil, or is it a relatively small amount of very evil people terrorizing what is, essentially a massive group of decent people? You see what I’m getting at here? Is the world really FULL of kid prostitutes as I said earlier, or is it a relatively small group of unfortunates who just happen to live a life so dark that it gets talked about in doomsday scenarios like this one?

I’ve certainly never seen a child prostitute or heard of anyone who has. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not for a second doubting that they exist, but I’m wondering just how big that shit is (now, of course even one child prostitute is one too many but people that fuck kids are not a large percentage of society. In fact, they’re a very small, twisted group of perverts who are marginalized [for better or for worse] at every turn. Of these people who are down to fuck kids, most of them just go with their niece or their son or something, right? That’s what the pamphlets say. It seems that the group of molesters that are willing to seek out and find child prostitutes has to be extremely small. Therefore, simple economics indicates that there just CAN’T be all that many child prostitutes, simply because there just can’t possibly be that much demand. Now, I realize that this comes dangerously close to trivializing something mind-bogglingly sick. That’s not my intention. I’m just thinking out loud here).

Beyond terror, how fucked up is everyone out there, just socially? I’ve been to Japan and I’ve NEVER seen anyone as drunk as everyone I saw in Japan. Motherfuckers were falling down the stairs and sleeping right on the sidewalk like it was no big deal. I’ve seen Russian guys – Russian guys who have it together enough to travel internationally, mind you, who are so drunk at 9am that they can barely walk. Are these exceptions? Or is half the world just hammered 24/7? How does our (us as a group of first-world pro-fun enthusiasts) party stack up to the Jenkem snorters and the Vodka breathers of the unknown distant lands beyond the sea? Are there people sucking dicks for drugs all over the world? That seems like something that definitely goes on everywhere, but it doesn’t seem like it’s a majority thing. There seems to be always enough dicks to meet the demand (This, actually, I’d wager, is a completely universal maxim. There has never been, and there never will be a shortage of dicks to suck). In fact, the people I know who get so fucked up that they can’t keep it together or lose their jobs or whatever seem to pretty quickly slip to the lowest, scummiest part of humanity that there is, and that level isn’t REALLY that bad, and they often recover equally quickly. Sure, they lie and fuck and scheme and probably have herpes or whatever, but it’s not awful. It’s not bashing babies against the wall or eating skin. It’s just fucked up people who have gotten crossed wires and need to rearrange their priorities to put “keeping myself alive and part of a community” above “getting super fucked up.” That’s not an impossible rewire. However, “I rent the bodies of children to perverts” seems like a brain condition that can’t be fixed. Those things aren’t the same, and I gotta wonder…people point to drugs and self destructive behavior as a path to a really dark existence, and they can be FOR SURE, BUT it seems like the path to the REALLY, TRULY dark stuff is a path that I couldn’t even find if I wanted to. Are there really that many monsters out there? Where do they all come from and where do they hide? I don’t know. I’m not offering any answers here. I’m asking. How cruel, how self-destructive are we really? Am I near the top or the bottom or somewhere in the middle? How about you?

On an unrelated topic, my kid told me this morning that he was gonna ‘kick me in the asshole.’ I had to throw his ass in time-out real quick and run to the other room to die laughing so he didn’t see how great I thought the whole thing was.

I’m glad this new generation seems to be a ‘take no shit’ kind of breed.

We may be okay yet.

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21 Responses to How Dark is Our Garden?

  1. David says:

    What about all the sick shit regular people think about doing to one another, that they don’t actually do. The id says “do this and that”, but the ego stops it, so to speak. I think we may be inherently evil (my working definition of evil being anyone acting in such selfish terms they disregard the laws and safety of others), and that the vast majority of us are conditioned well enough to overcome it.

  2. QueenBee says:

    This entire post was going along so well with my fucked-up mood this morning, until the asshole-kicking thing. That’s a hilarious thing for a kid to say and would be quite a feat for a kid to actually pull off, seeing as how he’d have to kick higher than his head. I’m picturing some crouching-tiger-type flying leap or something. Then that made me also think about your boy calling you a Comcast, which is also hilarious. “Dad, you’re such a fucking Comcast, I’m going to kick you in the asshole!” Kids.

    So yeah, all that talk of depravity and how much the world probably sucks kind of fits how I’m feeling, which is just angry and unlovable and disgusted. That might be a side effect of having seen Propagandhi play last night; it was definitely an awesome show and they played amazingly, but you’ve got to admit that they’re pretty good at making you realize how terrible the world is. Yesterday I was listening to How to Clean Everything and realized that, in the 20 years since that album came out, of all the shitty things that they were singing about, the only thing that’s gotten any better is that the ska revival is dead.

    And another note on Propagandhi: last night, some dude jumped on stage and tried to kiss Chris Hannah on the cheek. When the kid turned around to stagedive, he kicked him in the back. I mentioned it on Twitter and Hannah gave me a “ha ha”, which is exactly what I expected. There are still some good assholes out there, I guess.

  3. dustyfloors says:

    Tell your child “Thanks” because I am going to use “kick you in the asshole” for everyone that pisses me off at this god forsaken office.

  4. Heathbar says:

    Keep up the good work with those little ones!

  5. dustyfloors says:

    Hell yes.
    See you fuckers at Metro Nov. 10th.
    Bonerz are a yes!

  6. Joe says:

    The pimps may not be that bad if they’re only doing it for the money.

  7. Lauren says:

    You often manage to capture my everyday thoughts and execute them in a much smarter and orderly fashion. I’m obsolete. But your kid rules.

  8. ugly kid john says:

    Perhaps in several years, when he’s about 13 and you’re havin a particularly bad day/week and also mighty drunk ya could pull down your pants, spread your ass cheeks and boorishly invite said eldest progeny to make good on his innocuous childhood threat, ala pops on Freddy Got Fingered. (Skaking ass to and fro sassily) “Cmon lil’ Wylie, come high kick daddy-o right in his brown eye!” Then afterwards awkwardly and apologetically play if off as “a mere test, to see if he remembered”. After a few minutes of feigned solemnity, repeat “I’m doin it agaaa-aaaain…”

    • Heathbar says:

      I want to read your blog.

      • occasional casual racist (so are you!) says:

        Platitude status aside, ain’t nothin new. Folks wanted to “read my blog!” in the bsc olden days too, pre-anonymity overhaul. Now, as then, I’m totes content relegated to a sporadically funny comment presence. Willingness to share my material even in this absence of clearcut identity is to my credit, I think hehe~

  9. ugly kid john says:

    You’re a Star Wars man? How goddamn disappointing

  10. ugly kid john says:

    Another idea, bit cleaner but arguably better would be to patiently bide your time till some fateful weekend when its just you and the little guy, wrap yourself up in a/v and coaxial cable, tape a little directv satellite to your head – “Look lil Wylie, I’m a comcast!” Your dick hanging out for no particular reason. Then treat him to the best wknd of his young life, not once removing the garb

  11. Faye says:

    My Nephew and his mates once asked me if a dickhead was someone with a dick for a head or someone that has a dick growing off their head. Now that I think about it, I’m not even that sure myself.

  12. Billy the Kid says:

    Hi brendan i think you’re my dad, man.

  13. Billy the Kid says:

    also when im ever scared or shy becauce of someone i just picture them taking a massive stinky poo in the toilet. it makes me giggle and shit. theres only two dudes i imagine that would look cool rather than gross taking a turd and thats tom delonge and this dude, brendan kelly.

  14. Billy the Kid says:

    oh and do you reckon way back when the lawrence arms got famous someone had this conversation.-first guy “hey man member when the arms exploded?” second guy- “you mean gregg valentino?” first guy- “wtf man im talking about the band not the movie”.

  15. Huh says:

    Re: that screenwritin tweet, why would you limit that solely to screenwriters? You mean, writers?

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