Koln, Eurotic adventures

not only would every single one of these lil' amigos be a great tattoo, but this place also has the best spare rips in Munchen

Man, Koln was a long time ago. Think about this: I’ve been doing these at the pace of one day per entry for the past while, but I haven’t been doing it every day. Now we’re getting to the end of the tour and due to the stretchy nature of time and the lax nature of weekends (thank you Einstein/Jesus), I’m currently operating my recall from the distant future. I’ll see what I can pull off, but suffice it to say I’m glad there are only two more of these. After that, I’m gonna get back to all the important world events that I’ve missed talking about since I started doing this tour log. First up:  Holmes, Kaite and her amiable divorce from her wealthy, tank top clad husband.  Next: Holmes, James and his cautionary reminder of how we should all carry guns at all times. I’ll continue on that path until we’re up to today where, my Twitter feed is telling me that we’ve got yet another school shooting and the premiere of a tv show about a two-headed girl. Nice.

dan and this big fucking church

So anyway, we woke up in Munchen and took a cab to the train station. The ride was uneventful but when we got to the train station in Koln, we walked out and saw a gigantic old church that was, the rumors tell us, spared from allied bombing during WWII due to its usefulness as a landmark. Shit was big. A hotel also existed in the courtyard with the big, cool church and the train station. We took that as a sign from god that we should stay in the station hotel, soak up the culture by way of the church and generally dick around like lazy bums all day.

Our hotel was staffed with young, effervescent girls who were all too happy to pour me a beer as I waited for Dan to (get this) gather his fucking laundry after we’d checked in. Though we were less than 2 days away from being home, Dan enlisted me to journey with him via tram to a Laundromat  in an exceedingly dull part of town. Together we figured out how to use the German washing machines and then headed over to this place that was, in theory Cuban, but in practice just a bar run by Turks that served regular Euro bar food. I had some kind of burger that I seem to recall was slimy, and perhaps made of chicken, but don’t hold me to that. My food was also accompanied by excellent fries. Dan got something that he could eat with a fork. He made a point of explaining that he was up to his tits in sandwiches and needed a meal that was utensil based. Beyond that, however, I don’t remember what he got.  We also got beers. We sat outside and I held down the fort while Dan went and switched his laundry into the dryer.

god live here

The club was right down the road so we went and checked it out and it was closed and looked a bit dumpy. The entire zone was just boring and dead so we gathered the laundry and headed back to the hotel. Our hotel, it bears mentioning, was a narrow room where the two twin beds were stacked lengthwise down the room, which created a pretty bizarre vibe in there. We sat around for a while, went to the adjoining Starbucks and probably did some other stuff that I don’t remember before we got our guitars and trammed it back to the club.

weird, right?

The club , now open and staffed by really nice dudes in funny hats, was a tiny bar with a stage at one end and it looked like the kind of place where great shows could happen. We arrived, restrung our guitars and had a Becks or two. I want to say at this point we ducked out for a second, but I don’t think that happened. I think we discussed trying to duck out and then just stayed as the doors opened and the kids flooded in. No. Now I’m thinking we DID duck out but we didn’t find anyplace worth hanging out. Fuck. This is the tragedy of memory loss, folks. Anyway, we eventually ended up back at the club, which was jammed. Some of the notable people at the show were a group of GI’s who were real nice and funny until one of them got too hammered and bold and pulled the old “I’m gonna get on stage and get my picture with Dan during the middle of a song”, which went over like a fart in a group spacesuit. There was also a loud talking drunk girl who everyone was glaring at who eventually got kicked out, but not before telling me that her husband was cool with her fucking other dudes (heyo!).  The show itself was packed out, oversold, good sound and overall really, really fun. After the show we hung out and drank whiskey with the good folks of Koln for about an hour and a half and then we retired to our chambers back at the train station hotel. We briefly thought about finding somewhere else to go, or getting some beers at the hotel bar, but in the end, we were both more hammered than we thought we were and we mercifully decided to hit the hay.

ooops! Apparently we did have a beer at the end of the night.

Our final day was looming, in Frankfurt, a town I had been to several times but never played in. Tune in, cuz the tour journal is almost at an end.


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5 Responses to Koln, Eurotic adventures

  1. Duff McLaunchpad says:

    Dude!!! Don’t leave me hanging. All I want to know after reading that fine entry, was if they meant ribs when they wrote rips. What kind of exotic shit are rips. Or are they just exotic Koln style b’s they’re running over there?

  2. QueenBee says:

    I’ll be sad when the tour diaries are over if only because there’ll be no more cute pictures of BK & Dan using each other’s bellies as pillows and acting gremlinish. (“Though the pic of the semi-amused-looking toddler in midair was adequately adorable; we could use more of that stuff”, says the only lady in the room.)

    • Heathbar says:

      Don’t feel bad. I, too, am nearing the age where small children and dogs are exceedingly more entertaining than talented performers. Should I check my estrogen levels, as well?

  3. Jule says:

    thank you so much for playing monty that night
    -the more embarassing it is for me, the more embarassing it’s gonna be for you-
    luckily someone was kind enough to upload it 🙂

  4. Premium Gush says:

    My god is there anything less dignified than a fifth of Beam? Been so long since I’ve bought that size that I forgot it comes in a goddamn Listerine bottle. I could just see the mildly disappointed (but accommodating as always) look in hot late-40s Vietnamese clerk gal’s eyes. Ohh this? This is, heh, it’s oh you havent read, they recommend this for rinsing now! Just hygiene sweetie

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