Maybe I eat your fucking face

So there’s a guy eating faces out there, huh? Well, he’s dead now, but it seems like for the last five or so days on the internet, you can’t so much as curl up with a bottle of Nighttrain behind a parking garage on a lazy Florida morning without being brutally inundated with stories, images (yipes!) and even video of this guy eating a hobo’s face clean off. It’s a media swarm the likes of which I haven’t seen in days, not since everyone decided Girls was a racist show and that whole thing about gender dysphoria that was all the rage for a few seconds there. But now, now we’ve got a real story on our hands. It’s got all the trimmings: human monster, helpless, kindly old hobo, face eating, cops killing people, Florida location. It’s good. In fact, I recently read the story of the drunken pregnant woman who left her baby in the car while she went into get a piercing at 1am, and then drove off, fell asleep behind the wheel and got subsequently arrested (for what, I don’t know. Being awesome and not letting your kids tell you how to live is a crime now? I thought this was America…but whatever) and that shit didn’t even so much as raise my eyebrows compared to old face-eaty. The whole thing is gruesome on a few different levels, and, before we get too deep into the face hole, I’ll provide a little background for those of you who don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about.

At some point in the last week or so this dude was driving his car to a big outdoor festival in Miami. Apparently, his car stalled out or ran out of gas or something, so he ditched the car and proceeded on foot, stripping off his clothes as he walked. Now, so far we’re looking at what I would consider to be perfectly rational behavior. Car dies? What are you gonna do? Not party? Fuck that. Let’s walk. And once walking, it’s likely that out there in the Miami heat (heyo!) uncocooned by the air conditioning that your lazy car would have provided had it not died like an old lady stuck in her apartment during a heatwave, it’s gonna be hot and there’s really only one reasonable way to cool off if you’re hot and walking down the street, and that’s to ditch your clothes and proceed towards the festival while buck naked.

Anyway, at this point, our hero seems perfectly primed to get to this fest and just rule it. I mean, who doesn’t love to see a big sweaty carless naked man careening recklessly into a crowd? No one, that’s who. BUT, unfortunately for all the hot senoritas down at the party, our guy got distracted along the way by a creaky old hobo who was (and this next part is wild speculation, but I really, truly hope it was something along these lines) just curling up to pass out in the shade after ingesting a huge, near fatal amount of some kind of fortified bum wine.

Our guy, the naked, sweaty carless guy, at this point did something that I can’t pretend to back or understand. Namely, he jumped the hobo and ate his face. Now, when I say he ate his face, I mean he took his mouth, teeth first and bit off massive chunks of his face and ate them. The cops arrived 18 minutes later and shot at the guy, but the bullets that lodged in his torso only caused him to turn around and growl before going back to the face eating, so the cops shot the dude in the head and killed him. They then took the hobo to the hospital where they mercifully put him to sleep.

JK! He’s alive. He thought he was living the sweet life before as a drunken hobo with a crippling addiction and no house, but now he’s a gruesome, faceless alcoholic homeless guy who is probably LOVING all the media attention and most likely getting endorsement deals from such companies as slim jim, boones farm, Face Off 2 (the sequel) and whoever makes those long dusters that all hobos seem to wear.

Anyway, this whole thing raises a few questions. Firstly, (and I don’t want to be too repetitive here) I thought this was America. Am I wrong? I thought this was the “land of the free” in name only but in reality it was a draconian police state where our prisons are packed full of minorities, privatized and bred for the benefits of the plutocracy. I thought our cops were essentially an occupying army working for the privileged elite. Am I wrong? I thought that we paid lip service to attempting to defeat racism in all its forms but in reality we had a racial hegemony so deeply ingrained that it essentially recycled itself every time anyone brown and anyone white pass each other on the street. I thought all this was a given. And for the most part, I’m not a fan of any of it. I’m definitely one of those fruity ‘can’t we all just get along’ types. I don’t love prisons or cops or laws that impinge upon our liberties. I hate racist dicks and casual racism and blahbity blah blah blah.

BUT, it seems to me that if we’re gonna live in a prison country, and we’re gonna all have to be stigmatized and wear the ugly stain of being a racist nation who only pays the tiniest amount of lip service to the notion of basic human rights all while we (for example) sign executive orders that explicitly say that anyone can, in this country be held indefinitely without trial or being charged with a crime, if we’re gonna live in a country where my property can be seized by local cops without trial, without reason, without even being given a receipt if I’m walking along with a big wad of cash or a growlight or something that MAY be a clue to me being a drug dealer, in short, if we’re gonna live in a country where racism, totalitarianism, bullshit freedom, hegemony, nationalism and elite privilege all converge on the citizenry to keep us  cowering and fearful, do you think that maybe, in one of the more racist states in the union, that we could get some cops on the buck naked hulking black man walking down the street snarling sometime before he gets to the point where he’s EATING ONE OF US?

I mean, yes, yes, yes. Racial profiling, it’s a terrible thing. BUT! If that’s what the cops are doing already, and if the cops are so concerned with race that they’re ignoring other factors (like, for example nudity, snarling, abandoning ones car on the street) couldn’t we at LEAST have gotten the racism to come into play in this particular case? As someone who could, at any given moment become a hobo myself, as someone who plans on spending some time behind the big parking garage in the sky some day, I’d like to think that we’ve got enough bullshit in place that I’m not gonna get eaten. Can we pull that off, America? Any chance?

Okay. This is getting weird and I’ve got a lot to do today. See you fuckers on the other side.

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7 Responses to Maybe I eat your fucking face

  1. Da says:

    The face-eater was black?

    My mind is blown.

  2. Da says:

    “Eugene, 31, is thought to have been high on a powerful form of LSD”—The Independent

    Well, shit. Better stay away from that, then! Although you just know a load of people will use this as evidence that ALL DRUGS ARE ALWAYS TOTALLY BAD M’KAY (and I say this as someone who never uses any)

    In other craziness, Beex: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/porn-actor-luka-rocco-magnotta-added-to-interpol-wanted-list-after-body-parts-are-mailed-across-canada-7805146.html

    The URL kinda spoiler’s the entire thing, but whatever

    • jake says:

      I heard he was on Bath Salts. If that’s the case, mephodrone is less like LSD and more like speed/coke. I doubt anyone high on LSD would want to eat a face. Maybe PCP, but not LSD. Bath Salts make more sense because side effects include increased body temp/sweating which would explain the gratuitous nudity. I don’t know though, just guessing.

      Also, why does Beex hate black people?

  3. car painter says:

    Off topic. I cant believe im this excited over a dvd. Im having a bbq when it gets here. Food, drinks, weed, and face eating.

  4. Schlaaaaaaaang Corporation says:

    Regardless of the specifics, I think we can all at least agree naked face eater is a tremendous faggot.

  5. Wussy says:

    hmm, face eating while your face is falling off, seems legit enough. why havent the cannibals gotten this much media attention in other places? they must have ate all the journalist they encountered.

  6. crabisz says:

    glad you could make a post about this without using the word “zombie”

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