Shit they don’t tell your sorry ass: Bringin the baby home

Hey hey. Here’s an interview I did with a girl dressed as a banana. Anyway, let’s get on with the prepared remarks.

(Christian Bale impersonation): Oh GOOOD FOR YOU! You’ve finally shit out another human being. Your parents are in town. Your vagina (the vagina that you, as a parental unit, be it the one between your legs or your spouse’s legs) is a shambles and generally, you’re reeling in the shock of fully owning a tiny raisin of a human being and realizing that the belly that carried the human being is still all big and sticking out. “I thought it would just go back down,” you’re probably saying right now. “It’s weird. It’s empty. When Aiden (really, you named your kid Aiden?) was in there, it was one thing, now it’s all empty and just kind of jiggles around. I don’t like it,” is probably something else you’re saying. The baby shits black tar and cries the tiniest little cries and doesn’t really do much else. If you’re a woman, you’ll find resemblances between this little baby and everyone on either side of your collective families. If you’re male, you’ll politely nod and vaguely agree with all these parallels all the while thinking “that thing just looks like a wizened little Yoda and not even remotely like your mom, but whatever.”

Right about now you’re thinking back about when you said “man, if we ever have kids, we’re going for C-section, because I don’t want a stretched out pussy!” and you’re thinking ‘’jesus Christ, I had NO FUCKING IDEA what I was talking about when I thought that.” A vagina is (brace yourselves) designed to have a baby or 2 stuffed through it and then go back to pretty much normal. Your stomach is not. I have lived through helping a (remarkably fit and uncomplaining) woman recover from a regular old beav birth and also an emergency C section and lemme tell you, it’s no fucking contest. Having a planned c section is a lot like getting surgery so your shit gets rerouted to come out of your dickhole to minimize wiping. It’s so asinine and convoluted that it’s tough to even know where to begin criticizing the thought process. So, fuck it. Just trust me, you think your potentially stretched out pussy is a bummer? Try having a scar on your gut that gives your belly an extra ledge to dangle over. Your pussy was never that huge to begin with. It’s fucking elastic and it’s fine. When people are putting their dicks in you, they’re stoked, so there’s no need to worry about the fine print. It’s a little like Ed McMahaon being concerned that his signature on the giant check for $10 million would be offputting to the recipient. It’s nothing to concern yourself with.

 

Anyway, good deal. You’re home. You’ve got a tiny baby and you have no fucking idea what you’re doing. The first three months, that thing sleeps about every fifteen minutes for anywhere from 2 minutes to 2 hours. It’s a pretty nonstop round-the-clock party that never sleeps or wakes up depending on what’s more annoying. You’ll never, in that first three months, sleep for more than 2 hours uninterrupted unless you stay purposely away from the baby and take a nap at home or something. If you’re a woman, your tits will be hurting and you’ll either be squeezing them down like a Chinese dad fixing his daughter’s feet or constantly squirting them into the mouth of your greedy child. Either way, no picnic. But that’s not even on the top of your list of gripes, because (like I mentioned in the last entry in this series) you’re essentially wearing a diaper and you haven’t slept in days/weeks/months. You’ll also notice a new lack of interest in boning that you’ve never experienced before. If you’re a dude, you’ll be beating off in the bathroom like you’re twelve, with your mom in the next room. Get an iphone or start remembering what it’s like to stoke up a boner with your imagination, because you’re gonna need some stimuli for the next oh, couple of years. You’ll be tempted to take this lack of interest in your dick personally, but just look at your old lady. She’s a goddamn shredded-up mess and your dick is the culprit. Beat off for a while and stop being such a fucking selfish caveman.

 

The first three months is a complete fog. You’ll do really, really stupid things like attempt to still go out because “I’m still gonna do my thing. Just cuz I’m a dad doesn’t mean I’m lame” and you’re gonna find out that shit done changed, son. To use an example of how sideways shit gets, here’s an anecdotal bit of evidence. It used to be that I slept until about noon, then got up, ate something, dicked around for a while and then about five or six I’d have a beer. Not a “we’re gonna start getting hammered” beer, but more of a ‘wow, last night was kind of late, and a beer with dinner sounds like a really nice way to start this evening.’  Not long after my son was born, I got up with him while my wife slept in. We ate breakfast, we went for a walk in the neighborhood. We did a little ‘playing’ (babies of this size are pretty fucking useless, honestly. They’re about as fun to play with as a plant). Then I gave him a bath and put him down for a nap. I was hungry again and thinking to myself, “man, I could go for a beer.” I looked at the clock, it was NINE fucking THIRTY in the morning. Your day just exists on a completely different planar spectrum. You’re living in different times, going to different places, noticing different things. It’s like waking up out of the matrix, but instead of sentinel electric squids and pods full of goo, it’s strollers, changing tables in bathrooms and other people with shit under their fingernails.

The biggest difference in the first three months is that you suddenly see all the invisible people you never saw before: the other parents, the grandpas, the assholes who jog at 545am on sunday morning. You’re now one of them. People that would have found you attractive enough to glance at a second time now no longer see you. Part of it’s because you’re sleep deprived and you’re wearing sweatpants and you look like shit, but part of it’s because you are pushing a baby and that makes you lame. You’ll learn about product lines that you never knew existed. Companies like Graco and Recaro and Chicco and B.O.B. that are huge multinational corporations with extensive strangleholds on huge sections of the economy suddenly become relevant to you. You’ll notice all the other poor, sleep deprived fuckers like you, pushing a stroller along in their pajamas, giving you that shitty, “yeah, me too” grin at six am outside the Wallgreens. You’ll feel a new and strange sense of camaraderie with gross moms who are breastfeeding in the park and those assholes with the wide strollers that are blocking the door of the restaurant. You’ll realize that every eye rolling sumbitch who doesn’t have kids is an asshole that doesn’t realize that YES, we’re fucking everything up, and YES it’s our fault but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT I’M GOING THROUGH OVER HERE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!” and then you’re gonna instantly feel like such a crotchety dipshit that no longer lives in the world of cool grownups who get to stay up late and sleep in.

The upside is that you’ll be able to take that baby absolutely anywhere because all they do is sleep and poo. The downside is that you’ll have to have a carseat, a strong upper body, the fortitude to pull out your tits and feed another human from them while you eat dinner with friends. You’ll like your baby, but your baby will not (and I can’t stress this enough) give a shit about you at all. The single most daunting thing about this is whole cockpunch is that it NEVER STOPS. You will NEVER AGAIN sleep in. You will NEVER AGAIN just cruise across the street at 8pm because you feel like it. You’re fucked for perpetuity. Welcome to the club. Next stop, you’re fifty and you’re too old to sleep in or give a fuck about anything you may have missed in the last 2 decades while this person you put your life on hold for was repeatedly undermining you and telling you to go fuck yourself. Nice.

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20 Responses to Shit they don’t tell your sorry ass: Bringin the baby home

  1. David says:

    I’m very sorry for you, but man is this therapeutic.

  2. Buddy C says:

    Sounds great!

  3. Grand Master Flash says:

    This is very informative, it seems I have much to look forward to in about 5 years. Now, after this series is done, how about a walk through of when your wife/girlfriend/Craig’slist encounter/best friend’s wife has your abortion. Cause I’ve dealt with abortions before but that shit doesn’t handle well.

  4. larry david says:

    Yeah nah abortions are rank. Let’s comment more on this whole tagging of sharks in oz thing. Is it a good idea? And how/where should the tag be inserted? Anus?

  5. wazza from west oz says:

    Haha good idea larry. I think shark tagging if done correctly is a great idea cobber. And not anally but maybe done the same way they tag whales. Cheers mates.

  6. larry david says:

    HaHa I was just talking crap wazza. what part of west oz u from? I’m in mandurah

  7. wazza from west oz says:

    Downsouth dude. Raining up your way today?? Its bloody beautiful this morning here. Might become one of these early jogger assholes and go down the bay. Winning.

  8. wazza from west oz says:

    Also is this ben edwards by chance

  9. larry david says:

    Ummm nah bro fuck nos who that is. Weather is ok I’m working so no jogging for me. And what’s that winning thing off again my ex use to always say it

  10. wazza from west oz says:

    Haha ok its what that weird looking guy off two and a half men always said when he did all those youtube videos about drugs

  11. punk94 says:

    Stop trolling and if it isn’t too much to ask can you please use pronounciation.

  12. wazza from west oz says:

    Get lost dickfarmer you ar probably a bum breather or something

  13. punk94 says:

    You’re giving this page a bad name. I’ve been a reader of BSC since the beginning. Go feltch yourself.

    • wuuhrrds uf wizdumb says:

      Yes, of the myriad skullduggeries that have occurred within the bsc comment section’s hallowed halls, the innocuous exchange betwixt THESE two awkward toe bunions is what’s “giving it bad a name”. ahaha~!

  14. wazza from west oz says:

    Uh nice pun mate and brendan doesn’t like you he tolld me on twitter just then

  15. wazza from west oz says:

    Oh an larry david is that name u normally post on here with? I’m normally james or something but this first time I post withf the .net webpage so ill talk to u later. R u going to antiflah when they come this month?

  16. wazza from west oz says:

    Antiflag*

  17. larry david says:

    Hi man nah I’m not a fan of em aye. I’m more into cruisy shit like gyroscope I only found out this website from trying find bk and wandering birds music. Never heard the lawrence arms bfor sounds like funny guy but I back read some posts.

  18. larry david says:

    Oi I gott start work now almost 9 boss willbe in soon cya round wazza

  19. wazza from west oz says:

    Yeah no worries mate good chat wit yah. U can find wandering birds album on itunes man pretty cheap. I’m saving up to buy the vinyl but so I can starta collection. I got machine 15 by millencolin already aye pretty sick man. Cya

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