A few days ago I came across the page on my blog dashboard where I can find out what internet path has led people here, to Bad Sandwich Chronicles to mingle with you Dogs of War and potentially find a new overlord in me, your benevolent master. Not surprisingly, one of the main places I get traffic from is Google. The great thing about this is that I can see what people typed into Google that led them to my page. SO, what that means is that if you type something into google, AND you click on my page in the subsequent results, the search term is transferred to my dashboard where I can, I guess, figure out how to best manage my keywords and do a little SEO or whatever. Pretty cool, right?
Well, that’s not really my style, as I’m a complete luddite, but I was struck by how many completely bizarre and awesome things people were typing into google that were ending them up here. SO, here’s what I did: I compiled the good ones, leaving out all the ones that feature the obvious choices that you guys could probably guess (bad sandwich, brendan kelly, Lawrence arms, wandering birds, etc), took out the repeats and the boring ones, and I listed the rest below. All of these are as they were typed into google and appear here sic. This shit is pretty fucking funny. I’ll break in here and there just to slow the onslaught of weird internetness, but man…I was fucking crying compiling this shit. Y’all be fucking WEIRDOS.
Ready? Good. Here goes:
dickhole penetration, dick types, penis glove, precious mammaries, felching techniques, felch belch, holiday dildos, dick hole penetration, things to buy with a crappy bonus, “cool uncle”, one dildo to rule them all, are 3 testicles better than 2, felching technique, Zach galligan
Uh,okay, firstly, which one of you has three balls? Secondly, who the fuck is Zach Galligan (don’t answer that, he’s the guy from Gremlins 2), and how come his name brings people to my blog? Anyway, let’s continue.
are three testicals bad, Susanna hoffs topless, nubile gay young boys, what does his kiss say about, vancleave Enumclaw wa dairy farmer, how to sneak into a women’s changing room, pierced dicks, things to do with old belts, three testicles, stocking stuffer dildo, shitting dickhole, women crap their pants, thingstosuck, latino communists, grannybanger, hope solo, aerosmith strip songs, scat sandwich ero, “shit and scream”, Balkan vacations, “I just sucked off a stranger”….
Poor Hope Solo. Also, do you think this person ACTUALLY just sucked off a stranger, or they’re looking for stories about other people who suck off strangers, perhaps hoping to someday BE that stranger that gets sucked off? The quotation marks indicate that perhaps the second notion is at play. Ahem, moving on:
dancing with the stars topless, alternatives to semen, cow penis recipe, free dog fucks woman porn, pregnant fuck, surprise your husband tonight, people shitting in peoples mouths, spruce vagina, lord of the rings memrobilia for sale, mofos, gifts for the bedridden, german hairy young mom fuck, animals shitting, nineteen dick, do veggie burgers make you fart, tom Bergeron,…..
WHOA!!!! This is easily the hottest section here. I mean, cow penis recipe? Tom Bergeron? Spruce vagina???? LORD OF THE RINGS MEMROBILIA FOR SALE?!?!?!?! So fucking weird. Okay, still there? Good. Let’s go. This next bit gets pretty dark.
brother fucks sleeping sister, dead body smell on clothes, kids shittin thet’re pants, revolting fart, fart girl net, hippies, xmas felching, grandpas fuck girl.com, my kid is a spaz, traits of perverts, zoo animal dog anal sex, fun alternative to the traditional wedding invitation, vacations for single men, howard stern baby sitter porn, dad son masturbate, gay latino tv full, I am the weird uncle, shaved snazz, www.girlswithhairylegs.net, baby fucking best, get fucked by your gay uncle, dennis polygamy “fuck slut”, +gay latino kids, whoopee jewish, batteries and breath mints, google woman and horse fucking, Abraham lincoln’s tampons, serch peoplesbutt cheaks, farting into a balloon…
WOW. Someone was looking for how to get the dead body smell out of clothes (protip: throw the fucking clothes away that you wore to kill someone you cheap fucking psycho). Someone else is trying to fart into balloons (good luck!), someone wants to fuck babies (gross) and someone else wants to beat a brethalyzer (right? Isn’t that what batteries and breath mints is?) But WHAT THE FUCK IS Abraham Lincoln’s tampons? Too much. There’s more. You still there? Didn’t think so. Anyway, pressing on:
www.young girl drinking piss of unclein fornt of parents.com, acronyms for wiener, dildobots, shitting ribbons, latex “heavy breathing”, dmv most bangable, tickle your nuts, porntube assfuck fart pee scat, dude farting, drunk uncle gay, French women shit, rock fucking girls, skeezy gay uncles, brad pitt’s response to robin quivers, guess her muff 1 #754, absurd babysitterporn, “elmo has mail”, trans fucking man, old great mother fuck, www.bang bang potpourri, best thing to make you poo taste good, I’ll never cruise again, wife has flapjack tits, “a lot like” guesshermuff, my lady fuck my ass, pussy smear, household item for condoms, goddamned hippies, Kriss kross Jermaine dupri rumors, “buthisface”, pencil girth, what makes old refridgerators stink, pube styles, fart myself thin, bad type of fucking, fucked against your will, history game show incest japan, tranny with surgical or chemically altered dicks, vulva dentata, spirit animal picture test, is buttfucking bad, queef girth, and finally, hairless anus.
Whoa. We’re done. This last section has some fabulous entries, including “shitting ribbons”, “DMV most bangable” (what could that POSSIBLY be about?), “best thing to make you poo taste good”, “pussy smear” (because, um…yuck) and my three favorites of the whole list: “Household item for condoms”, (which implies that someone [obviously a dude] is there, with someone who WILL fuck him if he can find a condom, and he’s frantically googling to see if, as per the argument he’s trying to make to his potential sex partner, a Ziploc bag will do the job), “wife has flapjack tits” because that’s a great phrase and finally “elmo has mail” because it’s just so horribly out of place among the rest of you fucking filthy perverts.
Anyway, I hope we’ve learned something today. To summarize, everyone who stumbles across this blog is looking for something super disgusting (or Tom Bergeron), and this blog most likely lets them down. So next time someone tells you that this is nothing but purile dick jokes and euphemisms for farting and stuff, remember, it’s tame compared to the rest of the internet. You guys should google some of this shit and see what happens.
Yipes. I’m gonna take a cry shower now.