Fascinating Shit!

My son has an arch nemesis. He’s this little white haired kid who is a year older than him in school. The two of them just don’t get along. As far as I can tell, the other kid is kind of a shit starter, but I know my kid is a complete shit starter as well, so aside from the whole you’re-my-son-and-I’m-always-on-your-team-no-matter-what deal, I’m not really taking a side or placing any blame for this mutual distaste. They’re little bitty kids and they just don’t like each other’s faces. It’s funny. My kid has started talking about this kid (who I’m gonna call Steve) and saying things like “dad. I hate something.” “What do you hate?” “I hate Steve.” That shit may not sound funny to those of you out there who have no kids, but this is like the first real loss of innocence that my son has experienced and all in all, I think it’s going pretty well.  In fact, he seems to be loving it.

I tell him to stay away from Steve and at the park when Steve comes over and gets in my kid’s face, my kid usually runs away (the times when he doesn’t run away he kicks him in the shins or knocks him over, which is not as cool of a move, but that’s the law of the land when you’re three to five and male. Shin kicks and bodyslams are a lot like hand shakes and high fives are in the adult world). None of this is really that interesting to you guys, I know. But here’s the interesting part: When I was a really little kid, I also had a little white haired arch nemesis, and his name was Nestor Wheelock.

Firstly, let me point out that Nestor Wheelock is an amazing name and even though I haven’t seen him in thirty years, his white bowl cut and his name are burned in my memory for eternity. Someday, if I’m lucky enough to live long enough to develop dementia (a guarantee, since 3 of my grandparents had it and the fourth likely would have but died too soon for it to fully kick in) I’m sure I’m gonna be tottering around whispering “Nestor Wheelock” under my breath all day long. This blog entry is, in part, an attempt to explain that shit away now, while I’m of sound mind.

The second thing about Nestor Wheelock and my perception of our mutual enmity is that I don’t really have any idea if he felt the same way that I did, though I seem to recall the feeling was mutual. The thing about an arch nemesis is that there’s a begrudging respect there (as opposed to a sworn enemy, who is someone you despise and would happily kill, piss on, fuck the mother of just so you could tell them about it and so forth), and I think my kid has that nemesis respect with Steve (though he’s way too small to articulate it) and I recall having an embryonic feeling like that for Nestor Wheelock. We used to fight on the playground, we’d argue in classes and we’d glare at each other in the halls. We also used to go over to each others’ houses and play after school (not often, mind you, but it happened). I’d be willing to bet that Nestor Wheelock doesn’t remember me at all, but as he had a huge bowl of snow white hair and a name straight out of the Shire, I remember him, and my kid’s nemesis has only served to remind me of my own nemesis who lurks somewhere south of here, over the Mississippi in the land of Missouri.

Full disclosure, before writing this I looked Nestor Wheelock up via google just to make sure he wasn’t a deranged lunatic or dead or anything too terribly sad and it turns out he’s currently a gay tech professional who seems to be having an absolutely lovely life.

In the off chance he looks me up, what will he see? I bet I have more twitter followers than him (quick research suggests he has no twitter nor any facebook, which is great), but really, look at me. I’m a bit of a failure as a man. I can’t fix anything, I’m grumpy, I don’t like people, I fly off the handle and get super angry. I can’t keep my cool under any circumstances whatsoever. I’m easily frazzled. I’m dispassionate and disinterested in almost everything that doesn’t relate directly to serving my best interests and generally, I’m a bit of a pud. I saw on the internet that someone took out a restraining order against Nestor Wheelock a while back, which, well, I’ve never had a restraining order taken out against me, but it sounds like his restraining order is a bit of a grey area situation anyway, and besides, whatever. I don’t know the situation and I can’t presume to speak for or against my former nemesis.  Although, if I know anything about the arch nemesis relationship, it’s that once a nemesis, always a nemesis. My kid’s gonna be locked in an iconic battle of wills with Steve until the day they both face off to the death at the top of spaghetti mountain (or whatever the lore says) and I can only assume that Nestor Wheelock and I will come to a similar fate.

If nothing else, next time he googles himself, this article is SURE to be the number one most Nestor Wheelocking article out there, right? Do you think there’s another place on the internet that has this kind of concentration of the words Nestor and Wheelock? Fucking impossible.

Unless of course there’s an “All work and no play make Nestor Wheelock a dull boy” list somewhere, in which case, that restraining order is probably justified and well, uh…look, I’m trying to turn over a new leaf here and not have arch nemeses anymore. You hear me, Nestor Wheelock? Neeeeeeeeeessssstooorrrrr! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeelooooooooook!!!!

(looks at sky, falls to knees, fists up, collapses forward onto the cold earth, END)

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22 Responses to Fascinating Shit!

  1. Tim says:

    This had BETTER be what your movie is about.

  2. JD says:

    Completely awesome 3-act potential in this one.

  3. Mike says:

    Your next release should be “The Nestor Wheelock EP”

  4. Holly says:

    Your post is currently the sixth google hit for “Nestor Wheelocking.” Hope you guys make up… or fight to the death, whatever floats your boat.

  5. fart master says:

    There was no winner, you and nestor need to finish this off in one of those weird d and d live action role playing battles.

  6. Fart says:

    i looked this guy up after i read this, and i read a little bit into his restraining order. Loitman v. Wheelock: Loitman alleged stalking at 2 Maryland Plaza, in that “[Wheelock] was asked to leave establishment.  [Wheelock] threw hot coffee at [Loitman], threatened ‘war’ and started to yell verbally abusive remarks.”   Loitman was afraid of Wheelock because “he threatened violence (i.e., threatened ‘war’).  [Wheelock] has reappeared at work twice despite being asked [to] stay away.”.

    Maybe the dude is kind of a lunatic.

    • Wheelock around the crock says:

      I dunno, I’d say delving keyboard-first into the private matters of a total stranger you read about on a blog is pretty lunatic-ish, Tootz McBubble

    • You didn’t read deep enough dude. You have get to the end. It was reversed by the appellate court.

      “We reverse and remand.

      KAROHL, Judge.

      ROBERT G. DOWD, Jr., C.J. and HOFF, J., concur.”

  7. DirtyD says:

    My arch nemesis as a child was Duff Ayers. There was also Dusty Stawkins, though I just remember he exposed himself to some girl on the playground circa first grade (no shit, real names…Screven County, Georgia back in the late 80s and early 90s)

  8. {Sarah} says:

    who the fuck would name their kid Nestor? sounds like his parents wanted him to be a whiny bitch from day one

  9. ohhh puhleeez says:

    “Full disclosure, before writing this I looked Nestor Wheelock up via google…”

    Aww cmon, you looked up Hestor Warlock long before writing this.

  10. Hi Brendan Kelly,

    I hope that this is just in good fun in order to get my attention and reintroduce yourself to me. I’m flattered that I made such an impact that you now see in your son, and I’ll apologize that I was mean to you when we were 6. I hope you understand that probably a lot of my anger was coming from being teased about my name while also adjusting to a divorce and a new stepdad and stepsister, going to a new school, moving, etc…

    But you’re right Brendan Kelly, I really don’t remember you at all. Totally drawing a blank. Did we hate on each other at Captain Elementary?

    I did a little googling myself and I see that your in Chicago, you’re a good musician, and you’re a good looking man with some cool tats, even if you consider yourself a pudge. Yes, I’m gay so I thought that’d make you feel flattered too.

    I’m a little annoyed that you and your other commenter didn’t take a little more time flesh out my overturned stalking conviction. You would have seen the appellate court reversed the decision of a very ill informed judge who refused to hear my own witnesses who would have testified that Robert Loitman was a raging lunatic who was 20 years older than me and was trying to coerce me into having sex with him and was lying to get attention. That restraining order on trumped up bullshit was my punishment for not putting out. Several years later he tried it again and ended up testifying against himself in open court and admitting that he actually did the things to himself that he was trying to accuse me of. Needless to say he doesn’t live in St. Louis anymore, the gay community chased him out after several high profile articles in the queer media were published exposing the truth of what a psychopath he really is. Unfortunately the google excerpt doesn’t shine an accurate light on that. Maybe I’ll put NestorWheelock.com up and write my own keyword dense essay to push that google return to the second page, or buy Robertloitman.com but I’m afraid he’d just come out of the woodwork and kill me.

    Hopefully you’re not coming out of the woodwork to kill me for a little back and forth gradeschool bullying. I assure you I’m a pretty chill guy, I am a leader in my community, I participate in government, I give money to the police association, and I have a lot of friends– many whom I have shared your essay with.

    I’ll be happy to take additional comments offline. I provided my email address. I also listened to your music. I don’t know if you figured it out, but I turned out to be a musician too. And yes, I go to Burning Man and Boogie Knights parties and know how to spin techno records on three decks, and I actually do have a Facebook, but you have to be in my circle to find me, which is odd that you aren’t given I have almost a thousand friends.

    PS. I don’t give a shit about twitter.

    • peanut gallery/peanut salary says:

      Dude if you really are “the” Nestor and this isn’t a prank than it’s pretty cool this post finally came full cir le? Curious – how’d you come across this? Were you tipped off or just doin a self-google? Anyway nothing wrong with that…anyone who claims to have never googled themselves is a goddamn liar anyway.

      • peanut gallery/peanut salary says:

        Ruh-roh! Did I speak too soon? I confess to having only skimmed your post before replying. That thousand facebook friendz remark is miiiighty douche nozzle-y, nestor wheelock. I hope you’re not a douche nozzle.

  11. Nah I’m just friendly and extroverted and have met a lot of people. Wasn’t bragging was just surprised that facespace doesn’t show me any mutual friends. Your songs on YouTube are cool.

    • peanut gallery/peanut salary says:

      Oh I’m not Brendan man, just one of his readers. Should have clarified. You should check out the blog some even if you don’t really dig his music…it’s pretty entertaining in its own right and there’s a shitload of content. He started it in ’08.

    • Rhymes with blobb/less fat, more slobb says:

      Festor, I mean Hestor, I mean, I must commend you for taking the high path and attempting to forge a unique, dynamic persona (Burning Man! But also, ) to compensate for your fucked name as opposed to an easy-breezy legal name change, which is surely the cop out you would have opted for were you a black person. Maaaaaaaaayiiiin, dis name be draggin me doooooown n shit! ‘It’s only 2002 so terrible hipster hop like ‘Das Racist’ isn’t yet fashionable…what’s a black boy wif pleeenty of money to do??’ Ahahahaha! Too much fun!

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