Hey! Welcome Back! I know it’s been a while since I rapped at ya…

Firstly, sorry for the recent lack of updates. As some of you know, besides being a world renowned blogger and champion dick-swinger, I’m also in a band called the Lawrence Arms and we’ve recently taken our unique blend of ineptitude and sweaty flailing on a little jaunt around the Midwest. Regular posting is to resume presently. Thanks to everyone who came out to the shows this past weekend. We had an awesome time. We look forward to seeing y’all again real soon.  Anyway, on to the prepared remarks:


As many of you are aware, I’ve got two kids under the age of four. I’ve got a little girl and a little boy and both of them are absolutely great in those few moments here and there where they’re not being the most overwhelmingly demanding/obnoxious human beings that I’ve encountered since I, myself was under four and spent all my time both being and hanging out with other ragingly impossible little monsters. Children are a wild breed of human, practically feral, only engaged and reasonable when it suits their agenda and capable of making you want to die for them and/or shake the shit out of them at the drop of a hat. They’re ridiculously adorable (though only to you…no one else on earth gives a fuck about your kids, except for a few people we’ll get to later) and for all the tantrums and demands and boogers and shit caked under your fingernails and headaches and stress and lack of boning (because kids WILL fuck with your boning time…that’s as certain as the sun coming up in the morning) that they provide, they’re also the sweetest and most guilelessly innocent little things and seeing them out there in the world, watching them figure everything out makes me feel simultaneously that A) this world is amazing and exciting and beautiful and being alive is magical and B) this place is packed to the gills with perverts and twisted fuckers and being alive is a disgusting slog through a hall of horrors and if you get through with only a few globs of hurled jizz in your hair, consider yourself lucky (take this as figurative or literal, either way I think it holds up).

I never worried about perverts or even consciously fully recognized HOW FUCKED UP kid fuckers are until I had kids of my own. Of course, I always found pedophilia to be reprehensible, but once I had kids it became somehow even more monsterish than it already was (which is really saying something. I’ve always taken the highly controversial ‘pedophiles are revolting’ stance ever since I can remember. I’m kind of revolutionary in that regard).

Anyway, I bring all this up because recently I had the bad fortune of being around someone who threw out a lazy ‘catholic priests fuck little boys’ punchline during a casual volley of shit talking. Now, this offends me, not as a catholic, not as a father, but as a person who’s existed on the earth for the past few decades and feels entitled to hang around with people who aren’t interested in making the absolutely most hackneyed, face-fartingly obvious, dumb, corny jokes. Yes. Priests fuck little boys. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! How wonderfully irreverent! What’s next? Women can’t drive? Nerds beat off to Princess Leia in the golden bikini? Ronald Reagan has a bad memory and falls asleep all the time?

Anyway, you get the idea. Irritating shit. However, in mulling over the lame lack of creativity of priests-fuck-little-boys jokes, I began to wonder exactly what the deal was with that. Why do so many priests fuck little boys? The go-to answer is that they’ve taken vows of celibacy and they become repressed and the repression festers and the end results manifest horribly and weirdly, but this theory doesn’t hold up to even the tiniest bit of scrutiny.

I know myself pretty well, and I can promise you that there’s no amount of not getting laid on the timeline of my sentience on this earth that could ever squeeze me into a child’s pants. I’d way, WAY sooner fuck a goat, and that’s saying something. Fuck. I’d rather live with my goat-husband in the town square and wear a sign around my neck that says “Brendan Kelly: Fellater of Goat Penis, eater of Goat Jizz, Lover Of Goat Fucking” every day than ever come anywhere near a child in an inappropriate way. There is NO WAY that a normal person gets warped like that just based on something as simple as a (ridiculous) vow to a (pretend) deity, when really, when push comes to shove, all any priest who’s feeling THAT much pressure has to do is throw down their collar, say “fuck this” and go out and fuck a grownup. That’s it. It’s not a crime to leave the church. Our rouge priest in question wouldn’t get so much as a fucking parking ticket.

SO, that leaves another, vastly more probable theory, which is that people who want to fuck kids are actively drawn to the priesthood.  Here’s how it happens: A guy (who’s basically a moral guy) realizes he’s only attracted to kids. Oh no! He thinks. I’m a disgusting monster! I can’t possibly act on these urges! Also, my parents are up my ass about how come I’ve never had a girlfriend. Fuck this. I’m gonna join the priesthood and be done with it. I’m washing my hands of sex in general and my disgusting misfire of desire in particular.

However, getting to the priesthood, what does our guy find? A bunch of children that he’s constantly left alone with, for one thing. And for another thing, he finds out that lots of his new colleagues are harboring some of the same weird feelings for kids that he has. Some of these colleagues have probably acted on these feelings and some of them begin to explain to him that some of the kids really like it and it’s not really that bad and ‘do I look like a monster? I’m a fucking venerated member of the clergy for Christ’s ever-fucking sake” and next thing you know, our guy…our pedophile who was just trying to do the right thing, is surrounded by temptation and enablers.

That’s step one. That’s also the absolutely most benefit-of-the-doubt step one that there is (and it ignores all the I-got-fucked-by-a-priest-which-fucked-up-my-desires-so-I-became-a-priest-myself guys, who undoubtedly exist, but just bear with me a second here). The next step is that priests start getting busted for fucking kids in huge amounts due to the fact that they’re a bunch of sick kid fuckers surrounded by kids. The Church authorities hush up the individual crimes and move the priests to different parishes and communities to protect the interests of the church and by proxy, the sick-fuck priests themselves. Word gets out that this is happening and reporters, a truly lowly form of parasite who thrive on titillating bullshit like this, splash “Kids Molested As Vatican Protects Pervy Priests” and other headlines of this ilk all over every paper and website without thinking about the consequences and ramifications of doing so (because that’s what journalists do for a ‘good story’).

Meanwhile, somewhere in Rockford Illinois, a dude who just loves fucking kids reads this. Now, this guy is not like our first guy. This guy is a predator and a creep and he’s got no problem with acting on his desires. He’s got a van and some candy and a bottle of that bubblegum vodka just ready to go. But suddenly he reads about an organization that gives free room and board, community respect, looks the other way at kid fucking and even provides the kids AND won’t arrest you if they catch you and will IN FACT ship you to a WHOLE NEW EXCITING PASTURE OF NEW KIDS TO FUCK if you DO get caught. Do you see why that’s an exciting proposition for our creepy Rockfordian? Do you see why the Church’s complicity in all this has made becoming a catholic priest actually ENTICING to child molesters? Do you see why having a flock of parishioners full of young parents and little kids is like living at the Playboy mansion for these tiny ween fiends? It’s pretty dark once you begin to consider the implications.

At this point in American history, you are ignorant to the point of dangerous stupidity if you leave your kids unattended around priests, ESPECIALLY young priests, because the pedophile recruiting boom has been in full effect for a while now (and granted, it’s unwitting. I’m not suggesting that the Vatican is actually sitting around, consciously wondering how to maximize the NAMBLA-ness in their envoys, but that’s what they’ve done, in much the same way that that Italian Captain didn’t consciously try to sink that ship, but in sitting there, attempting to fuck that girl and get his dessert after the ship hit the rocks, uh…that’s how ill-thought out plans go, especially when you’re just trying to selfishly cover your own ass and the-world-be-damned.) Now, again, I know this topic has been flogged to death, and I’m sorry to bring it up again, but I think not enough attention is paid to the fact that to the real sick fucks, this priesthood shit is an enticing, neon-lit, Veagas-y garden of delights they’d be an idiot not to get in on, and that’s the part that’s truly, truly creepy.

As if you needed another reason to hate religion, right?


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9 Responses to Hey! Welcome Back! I know it’s been a while since I rapped at ya…

  1. I know myself pretty well, and I can promise you that there’s no amount of not getting laid on the timeline of my sentience on this earth that could ever squeeze me into a child’s pants. I’d way, WAY sooner fuck a goat, and that’s saying something. Fuck. I’d rather live with my goat-husband in the town square and wear a sign around my neck that says “Brendan Kelly: Fellater of Goat Penis, eater of Goat Jizz, Lover Of Goat Fucking” every day than ever come anywhere near a child in an inappropriate way.

    That is fucking hysterical.

  2. Alex says:

    I think it’s worth noting that, from what I can remember, independent studies found lower rates of child abuse among priests than among average adults. Obviously, it’s reprehensible, but it’s unfortunately something that’s perhaps more common in the average population than we realize and, as much as I hate religion, religious people, and any entity that would work to protect child molesters, I’m not sure the priesthood is a “child molester magnet” the way you’re suggesting.

  3. fart master says:

    So when you guys were together playing shows, did any one of you guys say anything like “hey iv got a couple songs for a tla ep.” Or anything like that.

  4. jason says:


    I forget, where’d you stand on kiddie porn? Sometimes the price of freedom is a shit sandwich (and naked pictures of your kids moistened by the heavy breathing of fat, creepy “mustachio pedophilio” as he’s beating off).

  5. mike says:

    i really liked the figurative/literal “globs of hurled jizz” metaphor. i’m gonna be sure to use that.

    aaaaaaaaaand i know tla hates warped tour and all, buuut, how does playing at bamboozle sound? huh?

  6. danshaz says:

    its funny, i read this the other night and saw on the news tonight that another Chicago priest was removed for his 2nd count of sexual abuse of a child. and the church said was that it was “inappropriate, but not sexual abuse”. what the fuck.

  7. Props for thoroughly mulling over this disgusting and terrible topic. The brand new, green pedo-pasture is such a laughable “punishment” for kid-fucking priests….man, what a bummer.

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