wiener.

Yesterday, the internet exploded with an orgiastic garden of delights that can’t be overstated. Of course, I’m referring to the Norwegian girl who doesn’t want to be a crappy housewife, the dude doing the freestyle canoe, the fakestory about Banksy turning the Sao Paolo Jesus into an executed Bin Laden, the pictures of monkeys dressed up in human masks, and of course, like mushrooms sprouting after a summer shower, we bore witness to tons and tons of great pornography

All this, however was more or less ignored by the time that word got out that (oh my god!) the dick in the picture was really Rep. Weiner’s. Everyone is having a field day, calling for resignation, saying he’s stupid, making zillions upon zillions of obvious jokes regarding the congressman’s surname and his choice of things to tweet. It was, and is a big deal. It’s also kind of an interesting scandal, and here’s why:

Usually, when we’re dealing with political sex scandals we’re dealing with shit that compromises the morality of the person involved. Like, when Anti gay senator Larry Craig got busted for having a ‘wide stance when he pees’ it kind of exposed that he was a self loathing queer that was overcompensating for the fact that he deeply desires to be sucked off through restroom partitions in stinky locales by bearded strangers. When John Edwards’ love child was revealed, his wife’s cancer and the fact that he was able to snowball everyone (which would, one would presume, require the complicity of at least one OBGYN) kind of reminded us that this asshole is directly responsible for going after doctors and making malpractice insurance an impossible and necessary evil that renders a lot of healthcare unaffordable. In short, he too was exposed as a real dick, politically (not that you need any help in looking like a dick when you’re cheating on your cancer wife and having babies with a woman you refuse to acknowledge). Eliot Spitzer was an anti whore crusader who turned out to be a pretty big time whore supporter. But this one is more like a Clinton scandal but even more interesting (funny, since Clinton officiated Weiner’s wedding, which is so insanely awesome I just don’t even know what to do/say).

When Clinton got the beej and inserted cigars into that woman’s ass the whole thing just seemed kind of rollickingly perverse, and it confirmed what we’ve all suspected all along, which is that ruddy cheeked power hungry hicks can go to Harvard and join skull and bones all they want, but at the end of the day, they’re still gonna try and stick a cigar in someone’s ass and bone their hairdresser.

But Weiner is different still. He’s already a godless shithead. He’s buddies with Jon Stewart and Howard Stern and his morality, by extension is already presumably in question by the people that are undoubtedly the most excited about these dong tweets. AND, he’s not sticking cigars in anyone’s ass or getting anonymous sex in a public place or having love children while his wife dies in the next room. He’s just a pervy dude with a big dick that wants to get the word out there. That’s not really on the same level.

Yeah, he’s married, and it’s an uncool thing for him to do, but it’s really not that big of a deal in the world of political scandals. But here’s the thing:

Dude is a Congressman and people make a big stink about that shit, but it’s just his job and tweeting pictures of his junk isn’t illegal and it’s not gonna make it impossible for him to do his job, BUT and this is a big but, if you tweet out a picture of your cock and you work at Chili’s and your boss finds out about it, they’re gonna fire you. If you work at the pool and the head lifeguard finds out, you’re probably fired. If you work in an office selling life insurance and suddenly you get called into your bosses office and his computer screen is filled with a picture of YOUR dick, you’re probably just gonna say, “uh, I’ll pack up my desk” and walk out, and when your colleagues see you packing, and you say, “I tweeted a picture of my dick” they’re just gonna say, “oh, right. Well, good luck” and understand exactly what that implies.

So yeah. Shouldn’t tweet your dick. Not gonna stop anyone, but I’m throwing it out there. Don’t tweet your dick if you’re not totally, totally stoked about everyone knowing about it.

And that’s all I’m gonna say about that.

Leave a comment