For the past day or so the dorkosphere and presumably the booths at the county fair that sell dream catchers and healing stones have been abuzz with the news that someone in Minnesota has figured something out and corrected the zodiac calendar. Not only does this mean there’s a whole new astrological symbol that many people have been unwittingly existing under since the days of the frost giants and titans, old, leathery women draped in scarves have been whispering to each other, BUT! It’s pretty much re-organized the whole fucking thing, and now everyone is just finding out for the first time that they’re a whole different zodiac sign! People are outraged! Former proud Leos are now nothing but pig dicked Cancers, and uh…so forth. I mean, first a little girl is senselessly killed in Arizona and now this! What kind of a fucking depraved shitscape are we out here dying in anyway? Up is down, day is night, cats and dogs are living together and out there on twitter and facebook, female humans are FURIOUS and confused about this new turn of events, or more accurately, this new attention to detail that repaints an ancient and highly respected calendar in totally different strokes. People don’t know who they are anymore, man!

Well, yeah. Okay. I was once a virgo. This made a ton of sense as I’m highly fastidious and organized, very clean, kind of anal retentive and sensible and above all, a virgin. Well, turns out I’m a leo now, which makes no sense because, well…see above. I’m a virgo, bro. These highly vague character traits that don’t apply to me at all are what I’ve been raised to believe are my uh…celestial ingredients and I’ll be goddamned if I’m gonna go changing that now. I’m like Tarzan, man. If my mom’s an ape and my dad’s an ape and all my friends are apes, you’re not just gonna come along when I’m in my thirties and tell me that suddenly I’m a man! I’m a virgo (ape) not a man (leo)! Get out of my jungle! AAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYAYYAAAAA!

‘But wait!’ Some of you may be saying, ‘you (and I’m [you’re] talking about ME here) actually DO posess more of the traits of a leo. You are, in fact a GREAT example of this thing finally righting itself and turning out to be more accurate. Besides, isn’t ANYTHING cooler than being a fucking virgin?’

Okay, firstly no. Being a virgin is really cool. According to my catechism teacher and my health teacher and my guidance counselor, being a virgin is about the coolest thing you can be, thank you very much and besides…um, it’s my identity. Was that shit about Tarzan lost on you folks? Come on! And finally, (and this final point can’t be overstated) there is absolutely NOTHING so stupid as the zodiac and putting any sort of stock in it. Sorry girls. It’s true. I’ve talked about this before, but I’ll happily go into it again, as it seems to be timely.

People obsessed with the zodiac bug the shit out of me. it’s pretty much set in stone that if I meet you and in the course of the first meeting you ask me what my sign is, I’m not gonna pay too much attention to you, nor am I gonna take anything you’ve got to say very seriously. It’s a little bit like if it came out right away that you were a scientologist or if you had to interrupt our conversation to take a call from your pet psychic. It’s just uh…it’s not by any means a HATABLE offense, but it’s kind of an eye roller for sure. If you, in trying to get to know me, want to plug in your data regarding my sign, our compatibility as friends and my potential character strengths and weaknesses well…I’ve got a pretty good notion of our compatibility already. I don’t tend to hang out with people that obsess over wack bullshit that’s the dominion of sixty something divorced women who can fake gypsy accents and have no marketable skills and who therefore operate businesses out of their living rooms while smoking and watching CSI. So yeah.

Now, to take this a step further, when you (and you are ALWAYS either a girl or a really femme gay dude in my experience [not that there’s not some big burly bearded dude with a thermos out there talking about this somewhere, but I just haven’t met him yet]) explain your own actions by way of your zodiac sign, well, I’m gonna dislike you. “Oh, yeah, again, I’m a Pisces so I’m really impulsive so I just went right up to her and….” is a great example of a way that one may express this and about when I stop listening entirely.

I mean, is there a more concise way to broadcast your wack ideas about what’s cool and your stupidity simultaneously? I guess a juggalo face tattoo does a pretty good job of that…and you almost certainly smell worse if you’re the kind of person who has a juggalo face tattoo…Huh. I guess I’m kind of stumped here…Listen, my point stands. If you’re the kind of person that feels very strongly that you’re guided by the stars (and that you can use that as an explanation as far as why you’re so impulsive/headstrong/stubborn whatever) then you’re a dork. Oh, and this is also true for people who say things like “yeah, Steve would rather sit home and stew than be out with us at this place because last month they wouldn’t put on the chargers game for him.”
“Oh my god! He’s such a Taurus!”
“That’s what I told him as I was leaving!”
Suck a dick, folks. Suck. A. Dick. That’s what I’ve got to say about that.

Now, finally, as I wind this whole thing down, I’d like to point out that since the entire celestial calendar is a bunch of pseudoscience bullshit akin to auras, female orgasms, talking dogs, dungeons and dragons and dentistry, that you need not really worry about the fact that the cusps have shifted. Hell, this is your big chance to just straight up seize the sign you’ve always wanted. Who cares if it’s half way around that dumb circle grid thing from where you were born? It’s all complete bullshit anyway, so get out there and become a Cancer if you want to (because, let’s face it…who doesn’t want to be called ‘cancer’? it’s a great way to identify yourself [n.b. there’s probably something to the notion [that I’m just coming up with right now] that while people that are ‘cool’ signs like aquarius and leos and shit are probably a little more likely to be into the zodiac, people who are cancers probably put a lot less stock in it. Just a theory.

Anyway, I’m a Leo now, which means I’m brash and I just stop doing things when I get bored. I’m on to the next thing like a motherfuckin