A query for the dogs of war…

Here’s a question I’ve been pondering for a while: would you rather be the only straight male on a planet of nothing but gay dudes or the only straight male on a planet of nothing but lesbians. Now, keep in mind that this is a mental exercise, not some kind of dorky game where you attempt to beat the system, so that means that NO, none of the women will EVER find you attractive or kiss you or fuck you or become curious about being with a man. That’s not happening, and NO you won’t suddenly figure out that you just love cock. It’s this simple: You’re trapped on one of these planets, you’re never getting the kind of sex you want while you’re on it and you’re never getting off of it, but otherwise you’ve got a pretty normal life, the stipulation being you’re stuck on a highly specialized gay planet of your choice.

(Okay, to digress here for a moment, I find these fantasy-duality questions to be fascinating. The decision making that goes into figuring out the lesser of two evils and the speed [or reluctance] with which someone comes up with an answer says a lot about them as a person. The one thing that drives me so fucking nuts, however, is when someone tries to ‘beat’ the question. When I ask if they’d rather, for example, cook and eat their dog or fuck their sister, they say something like, “I’d rather cook and eat my HOT dog” or “Oh, fuck my sister. I’d fuck her out of like, five bucks! Ha! You weren’t specific!!!!” Ooooh! Good one. You found a [pretty questionable] semantic loophole in a question designed to pass the time and be an interesting and fun theoretical exercise and rendered it useless by being a dirty diapered pansy that thinks [falsely] that you’re some kind of mental Houdini. That’s lamer than cheating at solitaire. It’s not clever, it’s pointless and all it does is paint you as some lame ass spoil sport that doesn’t even have the balls and uh…dignity, I guess to say something like “Hey, you know what? Fuck your dumb questions. I don’t like ‘em,” which, let’s be honest, is also a move for total dilduses, but at least it’s not couching relentless babydom in the guise of being somehow mentally dexterous [all while sounding like a complete jackoff]. Know what I’m saying?)

So, now that my ranting aside is out of the way, back to the question: Let’s answer the big ticket item first: what about straight women? How come they don’t get to play? Well, if you recapitulate this question for straight women, you’d be the only straight woman on a planet of gay dudes or the only straight woman on a planet of lesbians, and frankly, neither of those is all that terrible. SURE, you wouldn’t be able to have the kind of regular sex you want to have, but you’d have (on either planet) tons of really good potential friends. I mean, on the gay planet, you’d be the ultimate fag hag (if you’ll pardon the vulgarity). Literally the only woman out there to rap about how (for example) “jim is hot, but just too strung out these days, right? Right. BUT, his living room is so well put together!” Shit like that. You’d get a lot of good attention and be very popular, as the gay dude-straight woman alliance is very strong. AND you’d be surrounded by people that weren’t gonna rape you or generally creep you out. That’s already a step up from this planet.

On the lesbian planet, things would be weird, but it’s a planet of women, so it’d be peaceful and full of crafts and dreamcatchers and shit like that and your boundaries would generally probably be respected and you’d get to have all that sort of sisterhood of the pants bullshit that seems to be popular with women but is completely lame to men. You get the idea. It’s not that good of a question to pose to straight women (it’s okay…but not great). Now, for straight men, whole other story (oh, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that there’s a total equivalent for gay women and men…but we’re living on that planet now, and most queer identified people have already lived a long moment or two where they feel trapped on a planet where they’re the only person like them, so yeah).

Anyway, here’s the general situation: as a lone straight dude on a planet full of lesbians, you’ve got a few things to contend with: 1) you’re kind of a zoo animal, in that you’re visibly different and casually interesting, but really not much else. You serve no real purpose other than maybe being kind of a quirky companion, not unlike being a pet flamingo or birthday clown or something. 2) Your desire to fuck these women would eventually top out at maximum insanity and you’d probably wind up either cutting your dick off, jumping off a cliff or assaulting someone, depending on what kind of person/monster you are. 3) You’d be stuck on a planet full of women. You know when you’re out and you’re trying to fuck someone and you end up hanging out with just them and their female friends? It’s maybe casually fun the one time. Maybe even twice…hell, maybe you become legit friends with the whole squad of girls and you’re the dude that they refer to as “one of the girls” and you even LOVE that…it’s still not hanging out with guys. You know? It’s not the same. It’s not worse, but there’s just something about being the only one of a gender in a room that’s weird after a while, and after a while of being on some planet where you’re the only dude in every room, you’d get a little bummed if for no other reason than you’d be completely marginalized all the time.

Also, the only sports would be women’s basketball and women’s tennis and women’s hockey and women’s football and softball and gymnastics and shit, and since you’re already walking around on like defcon 10 for horniness, you’re probably not watching gymnastics or tennis, which leaves you with really crappy choices (sorry ladies). Yeah. That’s the main set of problems as I see it with the lesbian planet.

Plusses on the lesbian planet include peace, personal safety, kindness, pretty girls everywhere, and you probably don’t have to tip very much.

Now, the gay planet would be a depraved party the likes of which I don’t really dare imagine. You’d be marginally interesting as a straight guy, but you could probably just blend in and pretend to be a gay guy as so not to get uh…raped, which is what men do to people (don’t believe me? Look at prisons. Look at police blotters. Men are the rapists, pretty much in the vicinity of all the time. On a planet of nothing but men, gay or straight or some third thing, there’s gonna be rapists, and if you’re the only dude of your kind, be you the only gay guy on a straight planet, or the only straight guy on a gay planet, some asshole’s gonna decide it would be rad to stick his dick in you regardless of how you feel about it. It’s an ugly truth. Sorry). Now, you’d think that would be the deal breaker right there, eh? But let’s just keep going for the fuck of it.

The dude planet is probably full of all sorts of monuments to depravity, like glory holes and octagons and places that want to get you falling down drunk and it’s probably a violent mess of a place (to reiterate: this is NOT because it’s gay dudes, it’s because it’s men in general. Men are depraved. That’s just how it is.) There would be no women, which would suck, and urine and blood would be all over the place.

That said, the sports would be good, you’d have a lot of dudes to hang around with, there’d be glory holes for when the loneliness got the best of you and uh…well, I think you see where I’m going here. I’m picking the gay planet.

Yeah, it’s scary and messy and it stinks like piss and all that, but you know what? I’m a man. I’m scary and messy and I stink like piss (not really, ladies) and since I’m definitely not getting laid on the women’s planet…let’s say that I’m not having ideal sex on either planet just to keep it simple…since either way I’m not having anything even remotely close to my ideal sexual experience, I’d rather hang out with the dudes. I guess that’s all there is to it.

Sorry lesbians, I love you too…but you know how it goes. I’m a guy. And, probably you don’t really want me on your planet anyway…Eh, I guess maybe I could play you music. I mean, on the gay planet they’ve got Elton John and Crudos and all sorts of rad stuff. What do you guys have? Indigo girls? KD Lang? Tracy Chapman? Hey…as much as I love “fast car” I think I’m sticking with the planet with the Scissor Sisters and the Alkaline Trio.


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