fuck it. We’re doing six blades.

I have a hairy chest. It’s been hairy since I was about seventeen. Oh, relax. It’s not gross and it’s not thick and brillo-y but it’s definitely an even covering. I’m no sellick, or Reynolds, but I’m definitely no Zac Effron or Nick Lachey either. I’ve never shaved it, because, hey, what the fuck, right? I’m not a fucking woman/backup dancer/Olympic swimmer and I don’t really care enough to navigate a fucking razorblade around my nipples. There’s a time and a place for that, and that time and place is when you were unfortunate enough to have hairy tits but still be a woman and you can’t get to the waxer so you shave your unfortunately hairy tits. Wow, that’s a bummer of a concept. Not hating, you hairy titted ladies, just saying, I feel your pain. Ah, to grow up in a world that doesn’t understand…
Sigh.
Anyhoo. Here’s what I do. About twice a year, I take a clipper at about a two guard and even everything out. that’s because while most of the hairs just stop growing on their own, some just keep on keeping on, and about every six months or so, it starts to get weird. So I tirm the shit up. It’s been going on for years. It’s not really something I give a terrible amount of thought to, it’s just something that I bust out, usually if I’m really sprucing things up for a special evening; you know, generally some time when I think I’m about to get laid and I really want to make sure all the I’s are dotted and the t’s are crossed, etc. Whatever. Not important at all. Just throwing out a bit of my personal grooming habits, because, well, hmmmm….okay.
Not long ago, I went to trim my chest hair. Now, usually when I take the clipper and run it across my chest, there’s not really a noticeable difference. It’s just a little maintenance that is probably only appreciated by me…but this time, and I’m forgetting what the occasion was, there was a clear line where I’d drawn the clipper across my sternum. The hair was noticeably shorter. “Hmmm. That’s odd. Must have really been a long time since I’ve done this” I thought to myself, and then continued on as though everything was normal, until, about three or four passes in, I realized that I didn’t have the fucking guard on the clipper. So, there I am, presumably sprucing myself up for what’s gonna maybe be some boning, and I’ve got this hole shaved in the middle of my chest like some sort of fucking pre surgery heart patient.
What’s a boy to do, right?
I shaved the whole thing. I mean, what else is there? I can’t walk around with the hole. And I can’t just go get a sharpie and draw the shit back in. I was fucked. Rock and a hard place style. I shaved my chest. Not with a blade, mind you. I finished with the clippers. So at the end of it all, my chest looked like george michael’s face in the Faith video.
It was a little stubbly. It looked WAY stupid. I looked like one of those dipshits that somehow comes to the conclusion that shaving your chest is the right move, and lord knows, I’m not one of those dipshits. Of course, I’m speaking from a fairly blessed perspective. If I had one of those thick pelts that completely submerged the skin, well, maybe I’d be whistling a different tune. I know some dudes like that and, well…ew. Anyhow, not the point. The point is, as I pointed out yesterday, yesterday I had to go to tot swimming, where I stood in the pool (as per usual on Wednesdays) with a bunch of moms and babies and tried to pretend that I wasn’t the only man in the pool or the only person with a large portion of his body tattooed or the person with the child with the longest hair of any child in the pool, male or female. I mean, fuck. We’re sore thumbs as it is, and it’s a real scene as a general rule, but yesterday was even better, because I suddenly had this stubbly shaved chest. And sure, these ladies are all saggy and granny style one pieces and “flattering’ sarongs and all that, but uh…I’m the only guy in there and suddenly I’m rocking a shaved chest? They must think I just got back from france or something…So lame. Maybe they thought I was trying to impress ‘em, thinks I. So I fucked a few of them in the family locker room afterwards and everything turned out fine.
It was the last day of class, after all.
Oh, and I met tommy Wiseau the other day. Just saw him on the street and got a picture. No shit. Promise. If I knew how to do pictures on this bad boy I’d post it. Hell, let’s give it a try, right?

Okay, you know what? It’s not working. Oh man! This must be the first time EVER that tommy wiseau has been photographed and the results have seemed half assed and unpresentable. I’m ashamed.
Oh, google him already! Jesus.

This entry was posted in things tommy wiseau and I have in common-it's more than I'd like to admit. Bookmark the permalink.

31 Responses to fuck it. We’re doing six blades.

  1. misshennessy says:

    Just be glad you didn't go for it with a razor. My idiot friend did that and he is suuuper itchy right about now. Pretty hilarious though!

  2. Drunken Acorn says:

    Yeah never shave your cheast with a razor, I did it once and I was itching like crazy.

  3. planespotting says:

    Nice Onion article reference in the title.

    http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33930

    Also, how did you not reference the Seinfeld episode where Jerry shaves his chest? Classic.

  4. Showtyme says:

    I used to trim up my chest like that. But now I'm with a girl who claims to like hairy chests… It's been 2 years, but i still don't know if I believe her… Do some girls actually like super hairy chests?

  5. Mark says:

    Chest hair at 17? I can't even grow facial hair yet and I'm 20.

  6. Robb says:

    "O HAI Brendan, what's new??"
    You gotta get this Wiseau pic up man…the world deserves it.

    I'm sure most fans have already seen it but this guy did a pretty wonderful "re-envisioning" of the pivotal rooftop scene:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vHoASUCa_0s

  7. James says:

    Think that forgetting the gaurd and puttin the hole in your chest is bad, try doing that to your scalp at 10pm… Top it off with having your work day start at 8, consist of visiting numerous of clients/doctors offices and not being able to get to a ny sort of clean up work on the haphazzard gaurdless buzz job done until 11… THAT's good times!!!

  8. John Wilmes says:

    As a hairy guy I'm interested in your approach to back hair. I'm young yet and still watching my back hairs blossom. I could use your wisdom on the matter.

  9. Karen Kitten Cupcake Sweet says:

    There are Definately girls that are into chest hair. Myself being one of them. But I also love mustaches. I realise this is wrong, but i cant help it. so… maybe my vote doesnt count in this one..

  10. Candice says:

    You have a nice chest. I often reminisce about the time you let me wipe the sweat off of it after a NYC show in 2007.

    I still have the paper towels I used.

    And yes, get that pic up asap.

  11. Drew Brooks says:

    Man, I've been hairy since I was 14. I started shaving the shit off when I was about 16 or 17 and didn't stop until I was 18. Shirtless, my chest now looks like black shag carpet. It's gross.

    At least you didn't Nair it.

  12. Josh says:

    @John

    http://www.mangroomer.com/

    I also did this same thing to my chest hair once but I thought the stubble looked too ridculous so I went for the razor shave, worst mistake I've ever made.

  13. Banana@1000MPH says:

    Tommy has a completely hairless chest too…but his is fucking disturbing.

  14. Ryan says:

    Any one watch Tim & Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!? Tommy Wiseau guest directed an episode, needless to say it was great
    http://video.adultswim.com/tim-and-eric-awesome-show-great-job/special-guest-director.html

    Also Mark don't feel too bad I'm 23 and have hopes of a beard one day.

  15. Sean says:

    I can't grow facial or body hair.

    I'm a disgrace. haha

  16. misshennessy says:

    John.. One word – WAX! While some ladies might like a hairy chest, I've yet to meet one that is down for a hairy back.

  17. Candice says:

    I agree with Miss Hennessy.

  18. kylewagoner says:

    I shave my chest because I grow like a few stupid hairs…my dad does the same thing…but he turned out to like to suck dick, so I don't know if that's a great path to follow. I can't grow shit on my face, though. I still apparently look like Shaun White.

    love,
    Kyle

  19. amandatague says:

    I am going to disagree with Candice and misshennessy, John. Then again, I like 'em tall, chubby, and hairy. So basically, the more a man resembles a grizzly bear, the more I am attracted to him.

  20. misshennessy says:

    Kyle, you are way cuter that Shaun white for sure!!

  21. Sean says:

    misshenessy totally wants to bang Kyle.

  22. Vincent says:

    I'm going to take the subject a little lower.

    If you go into a waxing place and ask to get a man scape do most places do it?

    I'm way to big of a pussy to let a stranger wax my balls, but it would be a hillarious event I think.

  23. Scott says:

    dude, i had the guard fall off while i was cutting my hair once. Imagine that hole in the middle in the middle of your head staring at the right side of the back neck…it was an interesting look

  24. Robb says:

    Unrelated to hair troubles (my condolences), but I know a few socks out there dabble in hip hop. Canbibus (yea THAT guy!) just dropped a new album called Melatonin Magik, and it's pretty fabulous. Don't let the hideous cover art put you off…

  25. misshennessy says:

    Sean, I'm not that much of a cougar… yet. I try to go for boys that are at least out of high school!

    Vincent- go for it, I think the term is a manzilian.

  26. Robb says:

    *canibus* butterfingers

  27. Kevin Burnett says:

    A friend of mine is in cosmetology school of some sort and people can come in off the street and get cheap cuts/waxes whatever because its being done by students…anyhow, she said they get a pretty steady stream of middle aged dudes coming in for back waxes and such…one particular instance this dude came in commando style and popped a stiffy during the wax. Awkward?

  28. Sean says:

    haha, damn, i didnt now kyle was in high school…

    ………….. I'm out of high school.

  29. Blake says:

    Brendan, you need to post that picture on MySpace or something.

    Sean- We all know you graduated in 2006, the same year as Teddy Geiger.

  30. chris says:

    lol i do this maintenance as well and have also accidentally gone gaurdless.

    the only time I took a razor to my chest was to get it tattooed

    so uh… karen kitten… what are you doing later! :P

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>