This morning while making my rounds on the interweb I’ve already come across two distinct articles about drinking less than delicious things to get drunk. One was a ranking of the worst tasting beers (spoiler alert: Bud Light Clamato Chelada made the list) and the other was the grossest shit that people drink to get drunk all over the world. Some of the featured brews in this article were a Kenyan booze that contains such ingredients as rocket fuel and battery acid (people often die while getting their drank on) and pruno, which is the delicious treat that prisoners brew underneath their toilets using sugar cubes and fruit cocktails and ketchup. Oh, and they also mentioned Russian aftershave. I guess folks are guzzling that shit too. It’s pretty wild what people will go through for a buzz, eh?

I mean, it’ Friday. All the world over, motherfuckers have been slaving at their various jobs all week, and this evening, everyone is gonna finally trudge out of the boxes that hold their souls hostage, take off their ties and/or pantyhose and gulp down fermented grains and fruit until they’re all staggering all over the place and fucking/punching each other with wanton abandon. It’s a wild phenomenon.

You’d think that there would be some sort of alternative method of repopulating/getting people to crash their cars at least somewhere on the earth, but no. Everywhere you go, it’s booze. Motherfuckers love to get drunk. And for whatever reason, we’re all kind of okay with it. There’s really nowhere that has a completely alternate method of allowable wastedness, is there? I mean, sure, in Holland (for example) you can smoke weed and hash, but I’d bet dollars to donuts that there’s way more booze flowing through Amsterdam than there is pot smoke. Even in those Muslim countries where all wastedness is illegal, booze is still the go to, as per what I’ve read about the illicit club scenes in Dubai and UAE and so forth.

You’d think with all the wacky ideas that people have about how to live, with all the wildly different cultures out there that there’d be a society somewhere on earth that completely eschewed alcohol and instead uh, all shot heroin after work (just for example). But no. There’s no LSD nation or cocaine nation or heroin nation, and even if there are places where that shit is more acceptable (Colombia comes to mind) they’re still boozers first and foremost. I mean, it bears repeating that motherfuckers are out there drinking AFTERSHAVE and ROCKET FUEL to get drunk.
That’s making it seem like a borderline instinctive need.

No, seriously. Think about fucking for a second. It’s an instinctive need, right? In Maslow’s pyramid, sex is down at the bottom with food and crapping. So, put a dude somewhere where he can’t fuck anyone…let’s say he’s a pumpkin farmer up on a mountain or a shepherd way out in the middle of the New Zealand boonies. What’s gonna happen? He’s gonna fuck those pumpkin/sheep eventually. Ladies, this is true. There’s not a man alive that doesn’t just know instinctively that a period of solitude, real extended and unbroken solitude is the only thing that separates him from those who fuck gourds/livestock (on a side note, I don’t know how this works for ladies. I don’t really think it’s the same. There’s no way a woman, left alone with a bunch of goats or pigs or something would eventually just wind up fucking them because they’d been alone for fifteen years and they really needed to get laid. I mean, right? Am I crazy? Does that mean that sex is an instinct to males only? I’m really not trying to be funny here, and if I wasn’t sure that my daughter was about to wake up and completely dominate my time to the point where I couldn’t maintain a train of thought well enough to write, I’d start this whole post over to just tackle this notion….woah. Woah. Woah. I guess tune in Monday for that, maybe).

Anyway, you see what I’m saying? People have to crap. Sometimes, in a pinch they’ll just crap on the floor or in their pants. People have to fuck. Sometimes they’ll wind up fucking pumpkins or pigs or the keyboard player because that’s the only option. People need to eat and sometimes people will eat rocks and dust or maggoty meat because their bodies are ORDERING them to eat something, no matter how gnarly. Doesn’t this same sort of necessity seem to apply to people who are out there drinking glasses of battery acid to get loaded? Now, yes…EVERYONE eats and everyone shits. Not everyone drinks. BUT, not everyone fucks either. Ever hear of lesbian bed death or nuns or any stand up comedian’s spouse? That’s still considered to be an instinct. I kind of think drinking may be too. How else can you explain Bud Light Clamato Chelada?

That’s what I’m sayin, bro. Have a good weekend. See you all in hell.