Man, this world has gone crazy! Oil spills, war, muslim presidents, cockfighting, and now Heidi Pratt wants her tits out. It’s true. Now that she’s shopping her sex tape (um, totally awesome by the way) Heidi’s bad mouthing her ex and her tits and saying that she feels manipulated by all three of them and ultimately trapped in her body. I’d like to be trapped in her body if you know what I’m saying! HEYOOOO!!!!! Get it? It’s a euphemism for banging, folks.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: she’s gross, she’s covered in surgeries and she’s on tape gargling spencer pratt’s weird balls and that’s pretty fucking disgusting, but you know what? I think she’s WAAAAAAY hotter now than she was back when she was ugly. I know, that’s a terrible thing to say and she shouldn’t have to change her face and ass and yadda yadda yadda and everyone thinks she’s weird looking now. The thing is, she was fucking weird looking before. Weirder in fact.

Yes, her tits are unnatural. I know, I know. Can’t help it, folks. I think they look pretty good. And you know what? I’ve got lots of unpopular opinions about specific celebrity women and I’d like to share some of them with you today:

Jwow from the Jersey Shore: She’s a babe. She’s so hot and huge and skanky and awesome and drunk. She looks like she weighs about 180 pounds and towers over me at something like 6’4″ but that’s probably because she’s always hanging out with that wasted little orange troll. Usually I don’t like my women bigger than me, but I’d definitely make an exception for Jwow. She doesn’t really seem to make that many bad decisions relative to the rest of the cast which means, if my math is correct, that she’s marriage material, too. Yup. Can’t help it. Love Jwow. Also, are those things real? Because they are gravity defiers on par with David Blane and Falcon the balloon boy (I’m referring to her cans, just btw).

Angelina Jolie- She’s kind of got this ‘mantis with a lot of baloney hanging out of its mouth’ look that I can’t get past and I think she’s a little gross. She’s all veiny and serious and she’s covered in shitty tattoos and you know that when certain subjects come up she gets a little fake British accent thing going on while she tries to sound erudite. Now, yeah, of course I’m not saying that I wouldn’t bang her. It’s my theory that you HAVE to bang famous people no matter how gross you think they are (provided that you’re not you know, married with kids, which I am, so YES, this is all purely theoretical of course) simply so you can impress random people at bars/totally bum out your ex boyfriend or future spouse with the story. AND, sure, if she wasn’t famous and randomly approached me at Hedonism 2 out by the pool, yup, I’d probably be stoked. But as it stands, as a regular dickhead out here in the midwest with an internet connection and an asshole opinion, nah. She’s gross.

J-Lo- icky, old, barfy, and looks like she smells absolutely terrible. Also, you can kind of just tell she’s a horrible cunt. Plus, Senior Skeletor that she’s married to is creepy and he’s probably had a negative effect on her vagina, like chronic cobwebs or bones stacked in piles around the entrance or something like that.

Scarlett Johansen- Looks very nice, but seems like she’d be a terrible lay. She kind of talks like she’s braindead and has a timbre in her voice that suggests halitosis. Um, what else? I mean, I can’t stress this enough folks, she’s hot. I’m just saying, she’s such a bad actress, so dead eyed and monotone and simultaneously weird and ego driven enough that she’s making a living in hollywood, man…that’s a bad combo that’s not gonna lead to a good bone sesh, bros. I could be wrong. I HOPE I’m wrong. I hope one of my dogs of war writes in and tells me that “in fact she’s great in the sack. I know, as I’ve pumped her,” because I love Van Wilder and I can’t stand the thought of him going through all that college tang just to wind up with a lazy dead-fish that won’t so much as blow him for the rest of his life.

Simpson sisters- Gross. Gross. Gross. Gross. This is hardly a unique take on anything. Just saying, they’re gross.

Lindsay Lohan- SOOOOOOOOO hot. She’s incredibly fucked up and crazy and unlike Johansen, there’s just no WAY that she’s not incredible in bed. She’s got more daddy/self esteem/drug issues than most of the Digital Playground team and it’s a pretty safe bet that she would have wound up making movies there if she’d stayed out of hollywood until she was 18…but alas, we get Herbie Reloaded instead. Whatever. I know, I know. She’s just so hot. She’s hot in the courtroom when she’s pissed, when she’s crying, when she’s passed out with her beaver splayed all over the place like a cheeseburger in the Hasslehoff mansion. She’s awesome and I look forward to her newfound freedom to make more bad decisions and look hot passed out in any array of new locales with a vast array of hot, sexy, multi colored and missing panties left home in her drawer.

Who else is out there? I mean I think Katy Perry is real good looking, but she’s really into the lord too…BUT she puts up with Russel Brand, who seems like a right good bloke, and let’s be honest, who DOESN’T think Katy Perry is good looking, right? That’s about as controversial as saying Deniro is a good actor or that the McDonalds down the road is full of lard asses. I like Montana Fishburne’s moxie…but her dad seems so bummed that it’s kind of making me think of all the dads out there who are bummed at all the porn girls out there and the whole thing seems a lot sadder than it does when uh, you know, the cameras are rolling. I guess I dunno about ole’ M.F. She’s good looking, into trouble and obviously destructively fun (all plusses) but uh…she’s making me kind of have ‘dad’ perspective and I don’t like that one bit. Um…moving on quickly.

Kim Kardashian- She’s like the Heidi Pratt upgrade. She’s better looking, slightly less terrible to hear speak and genuinely rich. Also, she’s got a sex tape that doesn’t have Spencer Pratt in it. Hmmmm….Well, again, like Katy Perry, she’s good looking and everyone knows it, so this isn’t really that unpopular of an opinion. AND hey, but the way, I wasn’t putting Heidi on the level of Kim or Jwow or KayPer or even ScarJo in terms of looks. I was just saying that everyone thinks that she’s gnarly but I think her monstrous and operatic surgery of deformity really suits her better than her old trashy gross naturally hideous face. That’s all.

You know what? I think I’m sending all kinds of bad messages here. I gotta somehow make sure my daughter doesn’t find this someday. Uh, maybe I’ll just make sure she never ever learns to read. That should work.
Kay. Gotta run.

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