Ima let you finish.

So last night was the Oscars. Funny night, man. The oscar red carpet is such a bizarre phenomenon, because it marks the only place on earth where the true confluence of total success and barely, BARELY realizing any semblance of your dream occur. Here’s what I mean: Out of everyone who’s ever wanted to entertain anyone in movies or television, the Oscars are a show for those few who have risen to the tippity top of the heap. And there, waiting for the stars on the red carpet, holding microphones, are the people who just BARELY squeaked in at the buzzer. “celeb correspondents” are the lowest form of journalistic/entertainment life that there is. It’s the field where failed actors, failed models, failed legitimate journalists and newscasters and various dumb bimbos and himbos who have sucked an influential dick or two go to congeal before teeth whitening, barfing and tanning some more.
On oscar day, these two groups face off on the red carpet. It’s fucking hilarious. These parasitic ‘journalists’ are more botoxed and wild-eyed and giddy than the stars that they’re interviewing/being catty about/terribly jealous of/veterans of the same acting coach as, and they stand there and smile and shout asinine questions to some of the most self important dickheads in the entire world, every single one of which looks terribly uncomfortable.
This is the revenge. This is where Joey Fatone, Mellissa Rivers and Juliana Rancic get their revenge for not having sustainable careers as thespians or entertainers. They’re stuck on the backs of the beasts, eating the barnacles out of the flappity back skin of Julia Roberts and Kate Winslet. So, throughout the year they have these cheaply produced shows that star Mario lopez most of the time, and they sit there and they act like snippy cunts when they see Gerard Butler (whoever the fuck that is) in sweatpants at the safeway, but then, that one special day comes and they’re all there; the stars and the turds, almost in a cage match, surrounded by screaming fans. It’s the pathetic-barely-clinging-to-the-dream-of-being-entertainers versus the self-important-dipshit-actor-who-keeps-getting-told-how-important-he/she-is-despite-the-fact-that-he/she’s-just-an-actor-and-really-isn’t-important-at-all.
Suddenly, these celeb bots are screaming “who are you wearing?” and “Steve Carell!!! Come here! Brendan Kelly from E news! Just a few questions! Please! PLEASE STEVEN!!!!!! Thanks so much. I’m here with Steve Carell on the red carpet. Good to see you.” Silence. “Okay, well, I think the question everyone wants the answer to tonight is of course…um…How’s your night so far?”
This is really the level of journalism on the red carpet. For real. “Anyone you’re looking forward to seeing?” “Actually, yes, Brendan. I’ve heard that Mary J Blige is going to stuff a stillborn kitten into her pussy right before the dead celebrity montage. That’s something I’m gonna try to not be in the bathroom doing blow during.”
It’s a magical night, to be sure. Tinsel, lights, crazy old jewish ladies bum rushing documentarians and showing off the full effect of nine martinis and a speech impediment. Um, lots of people breathing really heavily. Lots of cheering and tears and so much fucking self importance. I mean, did you people watch this thing yesterday?
How about that whole rigmarole with the ‘best actor/actress’ category? I mean, these people are, not to put too fine a point on this, MOVIE STARS already. That means they get plenty of attention, money and adoration from the world as is. Now we’ve got a show where they can get awards. Fine. I’ll buy that. But then, they’ve got them just standing out there at the beginning in this sort of “look at these magnificent examples of cipher-artistry! This is the new pantheon of gods for the week” situation. AND THEN!!!! AND THEN they get their friends out there to just kind of talk each one of them up? What the fuck is that? “Oh, morgan freeman, totally good dude. Great actor. I’m pullin for you buddy!” said Tim Robbins (I’m paraphrasing a little). Do they need that last extra bit of dick suckery? Do they? They’re there, millionaires, sitting at a prestigious event being honored for essentially playing a childs game really well and THESE eight or so people have been picked as the top 8 for the year, and even then they need a further little editorial about how rad they are? God. Not since the AVN awards have so many people gotten their dicks sucked simply for getting their dicks sucked.
Oh, and I gotta wonder, do you guys think that Precious girl is gonna lose a foot, go blind or have a heart attack first? That’s about as unhealthy as a person can be and still be walking around, innit?

Finally, one question that was plaguing my friends and I last night: Cuba Gooding Jr. was at one time a respected, and some would even argue great actor. He won the best supporting actor oscar for Jerry McGuire which was pretty cool, if for no other reason than his career trajectory kind of was set up to mimic the purported trajectory of his character’s, with the oscar standing in for the great recovery from the brutal tackle. Still with me? Okay, so as we all know, Cuba Gooding Jr. ended up making a movie with CGI sled dogs and one where he and Horatio Sands end up on a gay cruise…not exactly oscar winner shit. It’s probably the worst plunge ever in acting. Is there a person or group that has done this in any other entertainment discipline? Fallen from the absolute TOP of the world to total ridicule? People who stop, or fade away don’t count. I’m talking about the total plunge. I’d offer that Metallica is close, but they’re still HUGE, so that’s not quite right. Axl Rose is closer, but he’s too odd and still kind of respected in a howard Hughes kind of way a little bit. It’s like, if Vanilla Ice’s first record had been a masterpiece, his decent to juggalodom would be right on target for the Cuba Gooding trajectory, but he kind of started out as a joke. I leave it to you, dogs of war? Who’s the Cuba Gooding Jr of music (or anything, for that matter)? Keep in mind, if they weren’t SUPER famous and successful, they don’t count. So ska bands and dumb shit like that don’t count, kay? This isn’t a time to show off your knowledge of the obscure. Got it? Good. Have a good Monday.

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16 Responses to Ima let you finish.

  1. Gantry says:

    Britney Spears maybe? Depends on the type of "success" you are referring to, but was definitely at the TOP of the pop world. Now, not so much…

    Maybe she's comeback to non-laughingstock status in recent times, I haven't kept up. But the bald head, craziness and icky vag shots certainly were a tumble.

  2. bruce says:

    David Johansen from New York Dolls becoming Buster Poindexter and recording "Hot Hot Hot."

  3. Robb says:

    "Tinsel, lights, crazy old jewish ladies bum rushing documentarians and showing off the full effect of nine martinis and a speech impediment"

    Yeah dude what the FUCK was that? You could seriously devote a whole entry to that piece of awkwardness alone. Also I love the "best sound editing/short film/short documentary/other "nerdy" categories because you're guaranteed priceless audience reaction shots of ignorant, bored indifference/ourtight hostility from stupid cunts who just want to stare at the bulge in Colin Farrel's slacks while he fellates Jeremy Renner

  4. Donnie says:

    Backstreet boys….went from sold out stadiums to half group reunion House of Blues tours

  5. Candice says:

    this was fantastic.

  6. Robb says:

    also let's face the fact Kathryn Bigelow is really HOT. I've thought this for years; not just a Hurt Locker groupie

  7. Scott says:

    Brendan, it would be quite possibly the coolest thing if you were to get the chance to be "Brendan Kelly, E! News" for next years oscars. I might actually watch it

  8. Drunken Acorn says:

    I'd say Jessica Simpson, she was "on top of the world" till America discovered she was dumber then a bag of shit. Then her counterpart Nick Lachey left her for a slightly smarter chick and her dad talked about how great her tits are. Her pop career now in the pooper she went to country music, where she still sucked. Then I saw that she was playing the Arizona State Fair, which is held in a giant parking lot where the Phoenix Suns used to play back in the 80's. I'd say that pretty Cuba like.

    Oh and totally off subject but did anyone else hear the was a big earthquake in Chile. I'm just asking because I haven't seen a fucking telethon with all my favorite actors and actresses yet, but hey my fingers are crossed.

  9. John Vancleave says:

    I believe Sugar Ray fits into this discussion somewhere. Crappy unknown pseudo-metal band turns into insanely popular pop group by adding a black DJ to the band and some acoustic guitar riffs to the mix. Now all we're left with is a semi(but not really)-handsome, uber-tanned, botox injected television personality that is Mark McGrath. Talk about a meteoric rise to fame and an epic collapse into obscurity.

  10. Jayzilla says:

    briana banks….

    she was making great films, really striving to be the next jenna (jameson, not haze)

    seemed to be a real up and cummer….

  11. dustyfloors says:

    3 words: M C Hammer. Or does he not count because he kinda made a living off of being a total douche that blew his millions in record time?

    Word verification: Refist. heh

  12. Blake says:

    Celine Dion?

  13. Johnny Ramone says:

    Ozzy

  14. Johnny Ramone says:

    Ozzy

  15. Johnny Ramone says:

    I don't really know how to use computers. sorry about the double post

  16. Dr. Karl Navore says:

    Cat Stevens

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