If you want him this bad, I’m not letting him go!

So here’s what I did. I just wrote a children’s style song about killing people and then laughing while the birds of prey eat their flesh. It’s a pretty funny song. It’s also got references to me being a gay cruiser in parks and bathrooms and it also kind of references Master and Margarita, an old Broadways song, the movie Crusin’ staring Al Pacino, Larry Craig, an old joke that my camp counselor told me when I was thirteen, and I think that there’s a tiny bit of redemption in there. This is all, again, set to pretty much children’s music. I feel a twisted sense of accomplishment/filthiness, like right after you fuck a puma.
Just throwing that out there.
Okay, what’s going on today? Have we all recovered from the oscars? I know my ass was still a hot butterscotch hose as recently as this morning due to my bad case of Oscar fever, but I think I’m pretty much recovered. What is there to talk about today? I guess we can go over the results of yesterday’s query, “does Cuba Gooding Jr. have an equivalent?”
For those of you who missed the question, please refer to yesterday’s entry entitled “ima let you finish’
I think your answers varied from pretty good to terrible. Mike Tyson is probably the best answer. In fact, Cuba has nothing on Mike Tyson, honestly. Cuba was just one guy out of many who wins awards every year. Sure, those are ‘prestigious’ awards, but they don’t really stack up to rounding up all the various heavyweight belts in the country and combining them into one grand championship belt and then being the most feared man in the world who threatened to ruin a multi million dollar industry by being so dominant.
Also, he married (and stair pushed) Robin Givens. That’s cool (and terrible). Yup. Iron Mike was the man (and a monster). There’s no fucking two ways about it.
Think about this- Mike Tyson’s Punch Out is one of the best video games ever. Have you ever played As Good As It Gets: the game? Well, let me tell you, it sucks, and Cuba is BARELY even in that shit. But Mike Tyson? He used to be synonymous with championship, man. He had a goddamned Will Smith song about him. How ‘bout that? Who can say that the most profitable film actor of ALL TIME wrote and performed a song about their dominance? Only Tyson. Plus, he’s got those chicken dinners, so there’s that.
Buuuuuut, like Cuba Gooding, he couldn’t stay on top forever. No, soon he’d pushed Robin down one too many flights of stairs, he’d bitten off one too many ears, he’d bought one too many flocks of highly trained pigeons and he’d tattooed one too many of his faces. Net thing you know, Tyson’s air drumming to Phil Collins(!) for the amusement of aging hipsters and hordes of young people who think he’s just a high-pitched bum.
That’s worse than Snow Dogs, man.
Although, in fairness, the Hangover is a much better film than Snow Dogs (I’m guessing. Believe it or not, I’m not one of the few who watched Snow Dogs) and Tyson is kind of still in the news…mostly for being in and out of jail and being broke though, right? So yeah. He wins. Or loses. I don’t know how to award this one. Um…well, let’s just say that uh (hold on, gotta go look this up..) “R.” wins the sock drawer award for best answer. How bout that? When you’re dealing in Mike Tyson and Cuba Gooding Jr., there can be no winners, really.
Okay, look. I’d love to stay and chat, but I’ve got shit to do and not a lot of time to do it in. Hope you turds are surviving your Tuesdays. Good talk. Now get out there and live!

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