freshen your drink, governor?

Out to my east, over the Atlantic and beyond the lost continent of Atlantis lies England. England is a small, often rainy place notable for not only having influenced and colonized most of the world, but also for sending all their criminals to a tropical paradise in the southern hemisphere and driving the most prude, stuck up assholes out across the sea where they discovered the most resource-rich continent on the planet. The Brits, for their part, just kind of stayed on the rainy little island that fate dealt them and, well, the criminals went on to create an amazing free society in the most beautiful place on earth and the prude assholes, well, they’re running the world now. What can you say about that? Takes tenacity to just stay there, in the rain, right? Sure. Let’s give em tenacity. I mean, right now there’s an Australian guy waking up and stepping down onto the most beautiful beach in the world for a quick dip before his job at the petrol station, and here in America, we’re celebrating being able to completely mismanage every possible aspect of our country/diplomatic relationships and still somehow be the only superpower. Huh. Pretty good. What you got, England? Pasties? Crumpets? Lots of people saying “jolly good.”
Heh. Jolly good then.
Now, here in America, we’ve got this crazy group of people who broke off from another crazy group of people because they weren’t quite crazy enough for them. This kind of shit happens all the time. Hell, this whole anarcho punk debate that’s been ‘raging’ lately is part of what could be perceived as a bunch of crazies not being crazy enough for a sub group who split off and upped the ante. I mean, I don’t see it that way, but I bet the lady that works at the dry cleaners at the end of my block would.
Kay, so I’m not talking about punks. I’m talking about mormons, specifically, the ones who have all the wives. I Just read (skimmed, mostly to see how the wives looked…um, yipes!) this article in National Geographic about the whole thing and well, this dude has five wives and forty six kids. His buddies are married to some of his daughters (as in, he’s got a buddy who’s married to TWO of this guys daughters) and well, the whole thing’s pretty wild.
One guy has sixty wives. That’s a lot of ANYTHING to share a place with. If I had sixty basketballs in the house I think after a while I’d be like “jesus fucking Christ. I gotta do something with all these basketballs!”
I dunno. Sounds like a lot of work to me. I can barely do all the things I need to do in order to keep one wife generally happy and not thinking I’m a total waste of space. Sixty? Sorry. I’m not the man for that job.
Now, I bring up the polygamists because this take on polygamy (nothing to do with folding paper, believe it or not) is so uniquely American, and completely backwards and to me, at odds with all the advantages that polygamy could seem to provide.
These folks are deeply prude. I saw a shot of a bunch of wives swimming and their swim suits were leggings to the ankle, dresses with turtlenecks and long sleeves. Pretty hot beachwear.
Only in America does someone hoard wives pretty much only so no one else can have wives (that’s a big problem in this sect, and apparently they use this scarcity of women [based on the simple biology/math equation that states that if one guy’s got sixty wives, some other guys aren’t gonna have any] to keep people in line, as they can reassign wives of ‘non pious’ men to other men, or prevent marriage [and thereby withhold the ability for a guy to ever…uh, you know, bust a nut{since whacking off is presumably frowned upon}]) and keep these wives all stabled like breeding cows, only to be brought out to fuck through a sheet and jar up some preserves here and there. Way to go America. You got this one just right!
I mean, isn’t the whole thing about having a bunch of wives that you want to pump lots of women and you want god to be cool with it? Why don’t you just make up a cooler god? I mean, you’ve already uh…pimped out your god with this new set of specs that allows for sixty wives, why not just make it that you can pump whoever you want? Bceause this shit’s about ownership, not four boobs and three dicks and crazy parties out in the woods and stuff. How lame does it get? These people have almost got their god sold on orgies and they stop at the gate, dress the women up like mummies and box em up like (again) cows or something. Not cool, polygamists. Even for you.

BUT, these people seem happy. I guess it’s not my place to say some old man can’t have five wives and let his buddy marry two of his twenty nine daughters if that’s what they’re all into. Sure, there’s this whole thing about brainwashing that always comes up when you’re talking polygamy and hey, maybe they’re brainwashed. The thing is, they live in an isolated part of the world, they subscribe to the world view that surrounds them and they exist happily within it. It’s not much different than growing up in the Shang Province and thinking that China is the best or growing up in England and thinking that Princess Di was super hot. Maybe, probably it’s brainwashing but whatever, man. Brainwashing is going on all the fucking time. Army? Brainwashing. Small town mob punditry? Brainwashing. Big city liberal douche mob punditry? Brainwashing. Sitting in your cube everyday and not freaking the fuck out and punching a hole through the walls to escape? Ever see a dog in a cage? They don’t like that shit until they’re ‘trained’ or ‘broken’. What does that say about you there?
There’s lots of ‘brainwashing’ going on out there, folks. Don’t think there ain’t.
AND, the thing is, just because I think that what the polygamists do is pretty out there and uncool, I kind of think they should be allowed (which, I guess they kind of are, since they do it) just simply because they’d set their sights right on me and all my homo friends if THEY got to outlaw something that they thought was out there and uncool, so what am I saying here?
That’s right. I’m going to England this evening. I’m going to dine on the finest gas station sandwiches, check out the straight white teeth, deep, rich healthy tans and toned bodies that the citizenry there is known for and generally settle into their beautiful weather and jaw dropping natural scenery. Oh, and I’ll be sure to marvel at how inexpensive everything is!
I’m gonna try to blog from over there, but I’m also gonna be filming the whole thing with my trusty steed Toby for a tv show type thing that we do, so check that out.
Um, what else? I love you guys! Be excellent to each other and uh, I dunno…if you’re English, let’s get a beer or something in the next couple weeks, kay?
Cool. I can’t wait.

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