Married! Nooooooooooo!

Do you ever lie there in relative comfort and try to really focus on how good you feel, and acknowledge that it’s fleeting. Do you lie there in bed and think ‘wow, my body is relatively young, I’m in no pain and I’ve got a full range of motion, it’s really gonna suck the dick off a dog when I’m lying here with cancer/liver disease/AIDS/Ebola/Swine Flu and my throat and muscles all hurt and I’m nauseous and I’m getting ready to die, so on top of it all, I’m freaking out and trying to get my dumb affairs in order and all my stupid relatives are driving me crazy and that lawyer is such a fucking scumbag…you ever think about that?
I do. And I think about it in regards to smaller issues than dying. I think about how I live in a nice house with a great family and I’ve got all sorts of friends and things going on, but someday (likely through my own fuckuppery) I’ll just be lonely, bitter and completely crushed by the world. Well, this, obviously is depressing and it’s sort of worst case scenario shit, but it’s crossed my mind. I’m not dwelling or doomsaying just saying it’s something that I’ve considered.
I sometimes think about how I’m just sitting here and I feel good, but at some point I WILL feel serious pain, emotional and physical. There’s no way around it. I WILL slam my finger in the door, get my dick stuck in my zipper, see someone die, make some dumb casual error that changes my whole life for the worse. These things WILL happen. There’s no way around it. They’ll happen to me and guess what assholes? Yeah. That’s right. They’ll happen to you too.
Okay, so at this point I bet you’re thinking that I’m super depressed, but you’d be wrong. This isn’t an exercise in depression or negativity. This is actually a celebration of how shit hasn’t blown up all over me yet. There’s no better feeling than lying there conscious of the fact that the cancer hasn’t taken hold, and you’ve still got some living to do and there are still choices and friends and hot chicks and dudes with great cans and dongs that still want to hang out with you and take off your underwear. Because, that too will change. For most of you it’ll happen soon…No one will ever want to bang you again. But for me, because I’m awesome, and for most of the girls out there, this is a ways off, but but but but!!!! It happens. Look at Liz Taylor. She was fucking SMOKING HOT and now she’s uh…what’s the word? Unfuckable? Are the kids still saying unfuckable? Okay, good. So yeah. Think about that. People out there want to bang you, maybe not the people you want to bang, maybe you haven’t been laid in a long time (or ever) but unless I’m completely confused on who my audience is, you’re more fuckable than Liz Taylor. And that’s huge, man. HUGE. She was Maggie from Cat on a Hot Tin Roof for fucks sakes. Mags! Think about that.
So, yeah. What have we learned here today? Life is little more than a bullshit parade of soul crushing experiences, but man, the shit in between is great. And you don’t even need to be feeling actively good. Just simply not feeling like shit is pretty awesome. I dunno. There’s a lot of focusing on those horrible moments, you know? Like that second that she says “I don’t love you anymore” and your heart snaps, you keep replaying that over and over. You thought about its inevitability before it happened, and after it happened you dwelled on how much worse it was than you even imagined. But we don’t spend enough time just focusing on the small moments of relative tranquility and peace. Those are worth keeping too, man.
No, I’m not talking like a hippy. Go fuck yourself, naysayer. Don’t mistake this as kumbaya shit, because it’s really simpler than that. You know how people talk about how they have “baggage” and it usually comes from daddy issues or bad relationships or a drama teacher with a bushy mustache and a windowless van? Well, why not carry the baggage of just recognizing that you don’t feel like shit and you don’t have anything serious to worry about right now. Yeah, in twenty years, florida will be underwater, we’ll be dealing with pandemic disease, a crippled economy, super powered mega idiots that are being bred as we speak, rogue nations, fire in the streets, packs of dogs, warlords and rape squads and all that shit, so don’t get all fucking depressed today. You got plenty of time in your life set aside for being depressed. Get out there and whack off casually and eat a sandwich with something kind of gross on it. Live. You get one chance out there. Don’t be a pussy.

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29 Responses to Married! Nooooooooooo!

  1. Kevin Burnett says:


  2. John F. says:

    This is more affirming than the all the Courage Wolf images I've been poring through all morning.

    Well, maybe not this one.

  3. planespotting says:

    Is this the redux intro to the movie "Trainspotting?"

  4. Kabbage says:

    Seconding this post so har

  5. Daniel says:

    Yeah, fuckin A! I've come to accept that I will probably die alone and middle aged. Sucks, but it's less work and no less appealing than dying with the kind of doughy, annoying broads who comprise the bulk of my past relationships, bawling because the only man who would put up with them has heart disease or liver disease.

    No sense getting hung up on it, though. If I'm gonna have a prayer of attaining the kind of life I want, I have a fucklot of work to do. For now, I'm fairly young and physically healthy, my brain hasn't totally dissolved from aging and booze and drugs, and I'm even kind of cute.

  6. Jayzilla says:

    thanks dude! this was just what i needed…

    even in the past shitty month — its still good to have it be mine

  7. shaun says:

    i thoroughly enjoy that the last thing we should do to prove that our lives are kick ass is eat a bad sandwhich

  8. Scott says:

    damn, i want a sandwich with something questionable on it. I also want UPS to deliver my damn xbox from microsoft repair…

  9. PIXI says:

    Great post today. I'm about to go to Beef-a-Roo to see what kind of bad sandwich I can find.

  10. Banana@1000MPH says:

    I love that you suggest whacking off after we are get out there.

  11. Seagull Steve says:

    Word. Ive been thinking a lot along the same lines lately…..for some reason us relatively spoiled people have a tough time being positive pretty often. But after I think of that, I think of how my friend back in high school told me that Blink 182's "All The Small Things" is about the same thing, and that stops my train of thought dead in its tracks.

  12. Mr. Stylson says:

    My dad just got his biopsy back and it was negative for any signs of cancer, so fuck everything else. I'm celebrating.

  13. Moore Sketches! says:

    goddamn, best post yet… how does it keep getting better?!

    so depressing, yet unbelievably uplifting.

    party on wayne.

  14. Candice's Breasts says:

    Yeah! I'm going to get out there and show this world a thing or two!

  15. Candice says:

    my tits seem to have a mind of their own.

    great post!

  16. Jesus says:

    And oddly enough, when Candice's Breast starts posting, Candice puts them away. Sort of.

  17. Candice says:

    are you calling this covered up? i had all the buttons on that shirt open!

  18. Robb says:

    Yo, Candice's Breastz–I'll tell ya what chu need. First, You need ta' stop jigglin' around, and get yourself a JOB, hear? Pullin' six figyaaaz, livin' LARGE, ma. Then, you get yoself a nice respektable huuuzbind, and you PAMPER yoself, girl! Fill a ceramic bathtub 2 the brim with Bon Bons and generic off-brand caramel popcornz, and you just stare at that shit in disbelief, mouth agape. Then, watch all of Tyler Perry's shitty-ass movies back-2-back! You take what's yourz, Breastz!

  19. kylewagoner says:

    You do it kind of like how my friend Brittney says "deep" things. Like, you gotta say ",man" so you feel less gay about saying it. Maybe that's just how you write, but she's gotta lighten up and express them feelings now and then. I guess you understand…

  20. Owner Operator says:

    "Live. You get one chance out there. Don’t be a pussy."

    oh so true.

  21. Nick says:

    "Congratulations, Nick
    You are now following Candice's Breasts"

    Them breasts best start blogging or ima be pissed!

  22. kennyg says:

    i like this entry. it's my kind of depressing humor. though, at the moment, i prefer not to dwell on the bad shit that will inevitably happen in the future, but the things that will bring a light onto my seemingly dull and meaningless existence. the things that are happening these days, but may not be here to stay.
    but the point is, for the moment, i'm happy 🙂

  23. minus says:

    Love this.

  24. casey says:

    I just realized that the title is from old Liz's most hilarious interview, ever. Kudos.

  25. Nikki says:

    @ Scott – that's what you get for buying an X-Box. 😛

  26. Drunken Acorn says:

    fuckuppery. Ha best word ever, nice post. Scott buy a PS3.

  27. Nate B. says:

    I prefer Gloria from Butterfield 8. But either way Liz was smoking hot.

  28. Amanda says:

    I actually really needed to read this. I've been worrying too much about being jobless and single for the rest of my life but you're right Brendan. I am pretty fucking well off.

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