Hi, everybody!

I was gonna write something brief and profane because I’m running late and it’s kind of been a while since I did anything like that, but then I got my shooting schedule for the next month and it kind of frazzled me. I’m gonna need to take lots of days off again. I panic about this, because I’ve been taking tons of days off and as a person with a kid and a bunch of stupid shit going on, I’m sort of unable to help other people out too much when they need shifts covered. It’s rough business, man. I feel like I’m taking advantage of my coworkers, but hey, fuck it, right? If I wasn’t taking advantage of them, I’d be taking advantage of the people I’m doing this movie with, and that would really suck the balls, and then I’d really feel like a morally reprehensible loser, sacrificing genuine friendships and experiences to toil in some crappy bar with assholes. Okay, thanks for listening, I think that’s just the perspective I needed. I think we can get on with the profanity now, right? Good.
Have you voted for your favorite Lawrence Arms songs to be played at the tenth anniversary show (oct. 24) in Chicago? You can do that by sending an email to tlavoting@gmail.com. It’s that simple, dildos! You can also vote for songs for any of our west coast shows too. For a summary of the rules check out the entry entitled “let the great experiment begin.”

Okay, so here’s something I’ve been thinking about lately. The bullshit female on female compliment. You know what I’m talking about? You know that one chick that you all know who’s not good looking, just barely, BARELY bangable, kind of cute face, but maybe she’s got a dumpy ass or she’s wide or has a Grimace body or gimp hand or something like that? You know her. Okay, well, have you ever noticed that this is the girl that all the girls that know her insist is just absolutely drop dead gorgeous? “Oh, you know who I think is beautiful? Betsy. She’s just gorgeous!” “Oh, I know. She’s got the prettiest smile in the world!” Meanwhile, I’m sitting there thinking to myself “BETSY? Are you fucking kidding me? I mean, neither of you are any fucking prizes yourselves but BETSY? She’s a bit of a pig. What the fuck is it that women see in other women?”
Well, that’s what I used to think. Now I recognize what’s really going on. It’s not that these girls see Betsy’s inner beauty that’s lost on piggish men like me. It’s that they’re hyping up the uggos in order to further their own stock. If betsy is hot, and I’m hotter than betsy, well, that makes me super hot. This works as an unspoken mutual compliment between the women discussing Betsy’s appearance, and a subtle hint to suitors, which is, in my theory, thought to be extra effective because it doesn’t call to mind any ACTUALLY attractive girls. That could lead to unflattering comparisons, and/or redirected energy.

Also, women tend to love to say that they like shit that they hate. I can remember my mom, every girlfriend I’ve ever had, and all my female friends for that matter talking quickly and quietly to me about how fucking retarded some boots are and then when the wearer of the boots come up and say hi, the shit talking turns to compliments. “Oh, I love those boots! We were just talking about them!” It’s not just boots and ugly chicks either. It’s also blowjobs, salads, experimental fake lesbianism (not to be confused with real lesbianism), football (this is a controversial one. Chicks will often be football fans. They talk football and watch games. But I never get the feeling from any of these girls that they like football as much as they like being the girl that likes football), facials, buttfucking, sensitive pussified dudes, and being judged solely on their merits and not at all on their appearance.
They hate all this shit, but pretend to love it for god knows what reason.
Okay, so now I’m a misogynist, right? Fine. Look. Men are retarded too, I’m just living proof of that so I don’t feel the need to really talk about it quite as much. And sure, I’m making broad (get it? Broad! Heh) sweeping generalizations that don’t apply to everyone. Yeah. True. Fine. Good for you. You poked a hole in my critical and hightly professional essay. Look. I gotta go to work. Enjoy yourselves out there. My kid bit another kid already today. Shit. Fuck. Shit. SHIT!!!!

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21 Responses to Hi, everybody!

  1. Kevin Burnett says:

    You know who else I hate? That douchebag that always comments first on boards…seriously, fuck that guy.

  2. Scott says:

    the girl stock boosting is 100% true fact my friend

  3. admp says:

    This makes me wonder if every time my buddy Gene asks me to play guitar when girls are around he's doing it because I'm secretly embarrassing.

    I don't think anyone has linked to it in a while:


  4. Jesus says:

    Send your kid to
    daycare with a mouthguard in, it'll make the biting just seem like an unpleasant gumming. Then your kid would look older and start punching kids because he's got protection from retaliation.

    What's the daycares policy on knocking litte whiney kids out?

  5. Eddie says:

    awwwww dammit, you just ruined "the girl that likes football" for me.

  6. Mark says:

    This has nothing to do with pig dicks. What the shit.

  7. Bridgett says:

    The reason we compliment things that we just got done talking about hating is because we have to say something. Haven't you noticed that females always have to be talking about something, and false compliments are definitely something. I know I've done this. It's built into our brains. The bitchiness.

  8. Banana@1000MPH says:

    Can I send votes in for Cobra Skulls and Teenage Bottlerocket songs for the west coast shows you guys won't be at?

  9. Robb says:

    Your son is going to be so awesome. Me, I was never cool enough to be a biter.

  10. J.A.F. says:



    you guys should read "i drink for a reason" by david cross it just came out. the spirit of bad sandwich chronicles and that book is similar

  11. Robb says:

    Hell yes, man. David Cross should pretty much rule the world. You can pick it up from amazon! And while there, don't forget to preorder The Lost Symbol–the latest "masterstroke" from auteur Dan Brown!

  12. Banana@1000MPH says:

    Amazon wouldn't send me Dr. Frank's book until like 2 days after its release, but sent me David Cross' (and Lloyd Kaufman's) books both like 2 weeks before their releases.

    David's book is good, but I'd prefer a new CD. It has been a while.

  13. Banana@1000MPH says:

    And none of the links worked because it hadn't come out yet. Does a sock who is reading from the start want to compile a list of all the idrinkforareason.com pages?

  14. kylewagoner says:

    Thank you ESPECIALLY for the fake lesbianism line. God, a friend of mine said something like "…and that Katy Perry song that made every girl in America a lesbian for at least one night." Fuck no. You are not a lesbian for one night. No one is. What the fuck? Anywayyy, touche.


  15. J.A.F. says:

    1000 mph banana i'm not sure what you mean with the links

    if you go to http://www.idrinkforareason.com the links work now

    there are 4 things:
    austin hippie riff
    gay canada II

  16. Robb says:

    'austin hippie off' is so disgustingly spot on it's fucking disgusting

  17. Robb says:

    'off'? riff, sorry I'm retarded

  18. Banana@1000MPH says:


    When I went to indrinkforareason, it used to have the cover and said something like "coming august 31st" and when I would type in, for instance, idrinkforareason.com/luxury – nothing would work. Now it just shows the cover of the book for me, no links (although there is a turquoise area next to the book where links probably appear for a normal person).

    Anyway, that list probably works enough and I can just type in idrinkforareason.com/(insert those names) as that is how the book states them.

    Actually, I think I'm just shitty because, although I remembered the luxury link for some reason and that worked fine, valentines is a blank book page for me. What the fuck?

    Still thanks for the list. I'll figure it out.

  19. Banana@1000MPH says:

    Well, I don't know because everything works except valentines and I can't figure out Gay Canada II's page. I figured it would be idrinkforareason.com/gaycanadaii or gaycanada2, but neither!

  20. Buddy says:

    maybe you've heard that the Senate does something similar in that when they they don't like a colleague they'll refer to him as the able, learned, and distinguished senator from; and if they think someone is stupid or making a dumb point they'll say the very able, learned, and distinguished senator from.

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