Been in trouble with the law since the day they was born

When I was a kid I’d sit there and listen to grownups prattle on endlessly about things that couldn’t seem more dull to me. This included a wide, wide swath of topics and a broad definition of the term ‘grownups,’ as anyone who was old enough to drive was pretty much considered a grownup and any topic that didn’t almost immediately touch on GI Joe, Transformers, comics, Dungeons and Dragons or skateboarding was considered dull; dull at a “white house briefing on national crop reports” pamphlet level. So, if my sixteen year old babysitter was talking to her friend about some boy being a jerk, it had the same resonance as my mom’s friend talking about Reganomics. Shit was insufferably boring and I remember wondering exactly what the fuck was wrong with grownups that they were so content to talk about boring shit, and even more to the point, not even DO anything while they talked about it.
I mean FUCK, man. These were adults! They could be shooting paintballs and driving dunebuggies and hanging out in pornography stores if they wanted to, but no, they’re sitting around my mom’s dining room table eating risotto and discussing what kind of metal best works for conducting heat while preparing cheese based fondues. It doesn’t make any fucking sense. The main line of argument against me doing the stuff I wanted to do was always that I wasn’t old enough, and whenever I got to be old enough to make my own decisions and/or money, I’d be allowed to do whatever I wanted. So, uh, YOU’RE ALREADY GROWNUPS! WHY ARE YOU HERE TALKING ABOUT SUB PRIME MORTGAGES? GET OUT THERE AND DO SOMETHING FUN!!!!
Alas, they never did, and as such I have no role model for how to be a fun adult. Well, there’s the Dukes of Hazzard, Richard Simmons and Wilt Chamberlain. I remember them seeming to be pretty fun back when I was a kid, but well, there was something about each of these guys that was just a little off. I didn’t feel comfortable really emulating the Dukes. They were a little too uh…”family friendly” and I got the distinct feeling that Bo and Luke shared a bed and the whole thing with Daisy was pretty weird. She was their cousin, right? Well, that’s legal at least. Anyway, not the point. Never mind.
So, I grew up and all the while wondered when it was going to become interesting to talk about real estate or various kinds of wood or taxes or the state of unemployment or boys and well, guess what? It never did. AND, to top it off, all the shit that kids like to talk about: dinosaur guts and magical space potions and alien women with six tits, that shit got boring to talk about too. Now, I’m like a Hatian barge person, adrift with no land to call my own. I don’t want to talk to anyone about anything. And it’s not that I’m anti social. Far from it. It’s just that there’s nothing interesting happening. Well, that’s not true at all, but there’s LIVING interesting things (which we’re all doing. This is one of the most fascinating times in the history of humanity for sure) there’s READING about interesting things, and then there’s having interesting conversations, which is really hard to do and rare. Usually they turn into monologues or games of one-upsmanship and either way, SNORE. You want to know how an interesting conversation starts? Here:
“Hey, I got some whiskey, wanna go into the back yard? I got a shotgun and an old car back there.”
“We’re having a blowjob contest and we need a judge. Are you busy this afternoon?”
Shit like that. Shit that leads into LIVING. Not just sitting around dissecting things. Of course, there’s an important need to hash shit out with other beings. Yeah yeah. That’s what you do while you eat, or while you’re waiting around to get tired enough to sleep or whatever. You go “Dude, how about that Mckenzie Phillips shit, huh?” And well, unless you’re talking to the kind of person that says something like “Yeah, I see where she’s coming from. Papa John was a hot chunk of man” well, the conversation’s basically over before it begins. You say “yeah, that shit’s fucked up” and then you both recount what you can about the situation, based on whatever creepy interviews you heard and somehow walk away feeling like you’ve had an interaction, but really, nothing has happened. No real information has been transferred. Nothing has changed. Nothing.
Anyway, I’m not trying to get all transcendental or abstruse or anything, just saying. Being a grownup is dull, even though we are allowed to buy guns and go to titty bars and have as many puppies as we want and eat frosting for lunch every day. That shit pales in comparison to the thoughts of what it would be like. Right? Yeah. Uh…what else? Oh, this:

I was thinking after yesterday’s post (“Good Morning Chicken”) about that Gaslight Anthem band and I was wondering something. Namely, do those guys really just love dancing that much? I mean, after the show is that what they do? They go out to the dancehalls and two step and shit? Seems mad gay to me, man. I can’t imagine that’s what they do. I mean, are there really such things as dancehalls anymore? Anyone?
Does anyone out there hang out with coco these days? His buddies are like “hey coco, we’re gonna get some beers, wanna come? And he’s like, “nah, I heard about a warehouse across town where there’s gonna be some honky tonk and rock and roll and some pretty good dancers. I’m gonna go down there and give em a little bit of the old “jump back jack.” Does that happen? Or is it just a bit? Is it like a way to recall the 1980’s version of the 1950’s in their songs? Because, since yesterday I was thinking about this, and it seems to me, if these guys are legit (and I’m not saying they’re not) that it’s all combs and jeans and dancing and crappy old dvds on the bus and trailers full of dirtbikes and shit, and well…I dunno, sure beats straightening your hair for an hour and then having bible study. It’s just funny. What’s happened here? I thought rock and roll was about seeing boobs and throwing things. Well, in the words of Andre 2000 (back before his upgrade) “aw, hell naw, but yet it’s that too!”
Okay, I’m really scatterbrained right now. I’m gonna go work on a new song.

This entry was posted in a kicky new fall belt that will hide your disgusting, revolting rolls. Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to Been in trouble with the law since the day they was born

  1. Jesus says:

    Are you actually trying to convince us or yourself that alein women with six tits are not interesting to talk about?

  2. amandatague says:

    i have decided that the gaslight anthem isn't a band about ripping off bruce springsteen so much as it's a band about trying to be patrick swayze. and i'm okay with that. that bass player looks like he could break into action movies at anytime.

  3. John F. says:

    I want to believe, with all my heart, that somewhere deep in the mysterious jungles of New Jersey, there's a magical land where the 1980's version of the 1950's is alive and well.

  4. timziegler says:

    I hear you. I get bored with 90% of the conversations I have with people. The "friends" of my girlfriend and I here are incredibly boring, and I usually end up getting completely hammered, while these PG-13ers look at me with concerned looks, while continuing their conversation on mattress technology and the best cycling routes. Then they go to bed at 10pm…on a Saturday. Then after they leave, I hang out with the drug-dealing Dominicans on corner.

  5. Sean says:



    (the blogging ones… not the real ones…)

  6. Jayzilla says:

    my ultimate comeback to these types of issues — to each there own..

    my buddy loves to talk about boring shit all the time, its not boring to him..but not a chance im going to engage him, but others will..

    thats all peaches and cream to him

    aside: please see aerosmith for all sex+drugs+music=lifestyle questions/resolutions

    ramble, ramble

  7. Scott says:

    i am pretty sure i would rather talk about anything than most of the shit the pretentious hipsters in my office talk about. "last night i was drinking wine and eating at this foodie deli before going to watch my boyfriend spin." "these kinds of shoes are so fashionable right now"

    Dont get me started on the hair-straighteners…maybe we can thrown in some fucked up neon hoodies with shit all over them too

  8. laurabm says:

    guys who straighten their hair, ew. yeah, i had to get that out in comment form. way to waste your time reading it, son.

  9. kylewagoner says:

    I hate how true it all is. I get tired of talking to my friends because I know what they think about what I have to say. I have to go out on a limb and do something ridiculous to get any real reaction or conversation going and even then, it's usually predictable. "Oh hey, we had to run 6 miles today and I'm pretty sure my hip is fucked up now." "I didn't."

    Bleh. I love you.


  10. Robb says:

    Hence the time-tested solution of intoxication to make convos appear more lively in the moment and in hindsight. Plus it generates great comedic value. When you romanticize about your "amazing" convo with the "amazing" chick/guy from the bar/party/Waffle House last weekend, hilarity ensues when your more sober friend explains how you were actually just talking about kitty litter n' shit.

  11. Seagull Steve says:

    Well, they talk about dancing on the killing floor…..maybe they're into hanging out at slaughterhouses? I can see it now "Hi, we're Gaslight Anthem, we'll be gutting pigs with our teeth at the slaughterhouse after the show, come hang out."

    And good conversation is not a trivial thing. It's a great thing. But, it takes chemistry. For the same reasons relationships dont go very far (i.e. someone doesnt do anal), "conversation" usually doesnt go very far either.

  12. nancy says:

    Will tomorrow be day thrice of talking about Gaslight? I hope so…and amandatague you're so right about their bassist (aka Brian's wife's brother).

  13. Matt says:

    What I have come to realize in my 25 years on this planet is that some where along the line, people start to feel the NEED to "grow up". By that I mean get a good job, buy a house, shit out a kid, talk about portfolios and shit like that. I have recently been running into people from my high school and even college that are married, engaged, pregnant, or already have kids. They basically finished college, and said, "well, I partied for four years, NOW it's time to grow up and be an adult".

    Basically, it is the dumbest shit going. Growing up has nothing to do with shitting out kids and talking about boring shit. Yes, after college it's time to start acting more responsible, but hell, you have to keep the fun in life. I have a full time job with benefits and good pay, but I still spend my spare time telling dick and fart jokes, drinking a little too much, and being an overall awesome person.

    On that note, I'm off to get drunk at the Yankee game and probably get yelled at for making lude comments by some uptight "adults".

  14. Drunken Acorn says:

    Matt your my hero. Well said man.

  15. Robb says:

    My mind keeps going back to St. Augustine show when you mentioned (paraphrasing) "This next song is written by a guy who seems like he may be kind of an asshole in real life, though he wrote some good tunes…" before covering Kiss the Bottle. I dwell on this as I think about how Thorns of Life lasted, what, less than a year, and now there's already a new project, 'forgetters'? What the fuck…

  16. Manny Los Gatos says:

    I've been forcefeeding myself gaslight anthem for a few months now and it's just not taking. I think the Hold Steady sound much more like bruce than GA.

    That's about it. I'm old. Life gets much harder as you get older, so enjoy your youth while you can. I'd love to go out drinking all the time, my body can't take it anymore.

    Enjoy it while it lasts.

Leave a Reply to amandatague Cancel reply