Yeah! Fucking A god damn wooooHOOOO! That’s right assholes! I’m cheering. Why? Well, because I’m getting the fuck out of this godforsaken shit palace for a while and hitting up lovely northern Wisconsin where I’ll watch two belligerent and blacked out micks slur their everlasting commitments to one another in front of an equally drunken priest while their families fistfight in the background. We’re bringing the baby. It’s gonna be a scene, a time, a happening. You know, whatever pretentious dipshits in lofts say when they’re implying that they’re going somewhere important. That’s where I’m going, and make no mistake, an Irish wedding with an open bar in the northwoods is about as cosmopolitan as it gets. They said we have to bring our own corncobs if we want to wipe our asses. Fortunately, I only shit at home. It’s rough on month long tours, but it’s great for these weekend getaways when I don’t want my bag to be overflowing with corncobs. What’s that? Antiquated? What do you use, an electric corn cob? Well ooh la la.
You know that in India they wipe their asses with water and they think it’s revolting that we only use paper to smear the shit out of our butts. That’s true. They also ride on the outside of trains when the insides fill up. For these reasons and more India is a many splendored place. The end.
No, this is great because these two people getting married are pretty good shits, and I love Wisconsin and I’m all too happy to dust my dick off and get out of here for a while. Does that mean no Thursday or Friday BSC? You better believe it, assmanglers. I’m leaving my computer at home, so you all have 2 choices. Choice one: Visit the archives and enjoy BSC’s of yesteryear. Read, laugh and be amazed as I mock historical personages from Dan Quayle to Max Headroom. Or, 2, do something else entirely. Tough choice, but I think 1 is obviously the way to go.
Okay, what else? I got some advice to give out, and I plan on nailing it as per usual, so hold onto your glasses and cunts, because here it comes:
So I am a 28 year old dude – decent job, not poor, not rich. Married to a great lady, have fantastic friends/family – really I am 100% pleased with everything but myself of late. And it’s not really the emotional me, but the physical me. I’ve always been a bigger dude, but lately things have gotten out of control – i’m 6’3 and pushing 350 bills lately. I have always struggled with weight, but maybe now that I am getting older, its really taking over. The thing is – I know its an issue, and I know what I have to do to fix it (eat right, exercise, cocaine etc…) but I just cannot seem to motivate myself to do it.
That is the part that is really bothering me – the fact that I know we are trying to start a family and I am killing myself bite by bite – what the heck is wrong with me that all of that isnt enough to make me get my shit together? My wife is an enabler (I am not by any means saying this is her fault – fyi – she doesnt put the food in my mouth) and I know that she loves me as I am and would never ask or guilt me into changing. Same with my family. I know I am not the best husband or friend or son or brother than I can be right now due to my physical limitations. I had to have back surgery last year that was in part brought on by all the thickness.
So I guess I am asking to see if there is anything you can think of that would help me get where I need to be? I dont want to medicate – I want to do it myself – because there is no reason that I should not be able to. I’m just reaching a point where its starting to be hard just to be the funny fat guy – I dont want to have a heart attack when I am 33. Do I need public shaming? I dont know – I just know that I have not system of accountability set up and know that right now I cannot count on myself to fix it.
Okay, okay okay. Firstly, good query. See kids, he put all the pertinent info right in the question. That’s how it’s done. Secondly, don’t be so fucking hard on yourself. You wrote to me, knowing (guessing, hoping, supposing) that I would put it up here for all to see, and you probably had at least a tiny bit of a suspicion that I might be a real harsh asshole and berate you. Well, fear not, I’m not gonna do that. My point is, you HAVE taken a step. You’re talking about a big, daunting life choice. It’s not like you just wake up one day and love rice cakes and pilates. I mean, a quick trip to the BMI shows me that you’re somewhere in the neighborhood of my entire bodyweight over your ideal size, so let’s be pragmatic…you’ve been fucking off for a while, slowly coming to grips with what you need to do, but retreating into your comfort zone (food, lounging, beer? Soda? Whatever) whenever you start thinking too much about it and the realities of the (perceived) impossibility of fixing anything starts to really rear its head. This is the same thing that anyone with self destructive behavior does, be it blowing strangers, doing coke, drinking, overeating what have you. But, YOU have already taken a first step. You’re looking for help, and believe it or not, that’s harder than everything else that you’ll have to do.
Okay, on to the good shit. The good news, you’re a guy and you’re way huge. That means that you don’t have to change your whole life to start dropping weight. Your body wants that shit off and it will be happy to oblige if you give it just the tiniest little jolt to the balls (figuratively). What you need to do is a few small things that are manageable and fun that will yield little results, because nothing will motivate you like seeing results, even small ones. This is a promise. First, do you cook? You do now. Cooking for yourself is key. Seriously, you can cook almost anything at home (as long as you actually COOK IT and not just WARM IT UP…SO NO FROZEN SHIT, no shit from bottles. Make your own sauces.) and it’ll be better for you than shit you get at the restaurant. Not your speed? Fine. Find something that you can make that is delicious and not super bad for you. I’m not saying you have to eat vegetables and grass. Start with dinner. Eat a normal breakfast and lunch, and instead of whatever the fuck you usually eat, find a way to prepare chicken or fish that’s not deep fried that’s still good (use barbeque sauce and grill some chicken outside. It’s not wheat grass, but it’s not a meat lovers’ calzone either). Or eat lean steak. And don’t worry about avoiding butter and cheese and shit like that. Keep it manageable, man. We aren’t trying to ruin your life, we’re trying to make it better, right? You don’t have to eat “healthy,” just healthier than you are now. You get what I’m saying. I know you do. And, when you DO eat garbage, just have a little of it. I mean, just this little adjustment should start to help. Believe me, when you carry that much extra, little things really do work. One very important thing regarding diet…You drink soda? You gotta stop. One soda, fat-ass-wise is equivalent to 2 beers. Stopping with the soda is good for up to ten pounds in a week or two. Seriously. Hell, drink one beer everytime you’d have a soda and you’ll STILL be on your way to slimming down. For reals. Plus, you’ll be drunk.
Your wife: Tell her what you’re doing and tell her to help you. It’s important to have a support team when you take on any project. I can’t write a record without showing the songs to people and getting feedback/support/that look that means “really? that’s what you’re trying?”. This is the same thing, it’s a big undertaking and you’ll need a bit of a squad. She doesn’t need to be your drill sergeant, but she should be helping you find shit you like to eat that’s not KFC and jalapeno poppers and other various fat boy delights, and generally keeping you on track. She WILL notice results and she’ll tell you about em, and again, that’s motivation like you wouldn’t believe.
As for everything else, dude, just take it slow. You’re huge. You’re not doing pull ups or running miles for a little minute. Start with long walks, or hanging out in the pool or taking the stairs. If you improve your diet just a little, and do these little things, you’ll have more energy, which will naturally lead you to want to do more. But don’t look to do everything right away. Small dudes work out everyday and never get chiseled abs or any shit like that, and it sounds like you don’t really care about that shit anyway, which is good, so don’t bother thinking that you need to do everything in order to do anything. You don’t. This should and can be a fun challenge. And that’s how you need to look at it. You’re being adventurous, trying new food (Korean, thai and Indian, ethiopian…look at those people, they’re all skinny as shit, man) doing new shit, and AND you’ll be seeing your dick, looking better, getting compliments (because people LOVE to compliment people who lose weight) and your wife is gonna be giving you more bj’s which is gonna lead to more boning which is, brace yourself, good exercise that just keeps the whole thing going.
Finally, keep everything in perspective. I’m a fairly small dude, but after a winter of fucking off and eating like shit and not exercising, I need to get back and do a little maintenance too. It’s a thing that anyone who cares about their health should do after a certain age. You are big, and the numbers seem daunting, but fuck all that. You don’t need to be 180 pounds, you just need to get to where you feel good and you don’t have a sense of helplessness and guilt, and that is something you CAN do. It’s no different than anyone just picking up where they left off. Don’t let the big numbers get you down. That shit’s just relative anyway.
Yeah, so that’s it. No public shame necessary. Just do it because it’s a fun, low impact way to improve your life, not because it’s something that’s oppressive and terrifying. Because it’s not. You’ve got nothing to lose (Well, that’s a bad choice of phrase, huh? heyo!) and nothing but blowjobs to gain. Thanks for playing and good luck.
The rest of you, let’s go get some poppers! Heh. I kid. I’m joking around. You’re all too fat.
See you Monday!