Nobody knows the troubles I’ve seen…

I’m tired and my kid has a cold. It’s funny, dropping him off at the daycare when I know he’s got a cold…it’s like trying to sneak drugs onto a plane or something. Oh, don’t get me wrong, it’s a totally fucked up thing to do, but what’s the alternative? I can’t just stay home from work because the kid’s got a cold. I mean, if we’re talking about fucked up things, I can’t stay home from work if I’VE got a cold, and I make people’s drinks and serve food. It’s a problem with being a bartender…There’s really almost no one to cover for you, because there are so few shifts as is. With wait staff, there’s like 3 or so people working at any given time, and that turns over three times in the course of my shift, so there’s a huge pool of people who can work as a waitress on a Thursday morning, but I’m the only bartender. This is problematic for a few reasons. First, as I said, I could have explosive diarrhea and I’d still have to come in and serve people food, because if I don’t there’s literally no one to do it, and secondly, when I do need the time off, which is often, it’s a complete pain in the dick to get my shifts covered…This leads to a lot of really pedantic finger wagging and talking down to from my * ahem* superiors, who seem to think that because no one can cover my shift, I must need a general explanation of how society functions and how this place stays in business, and you know, why I’m such a self centered asshole. My manager actually tried to shame me for not being able to cover more shifts, never mind that the reason is that when I’m not at work I’m the sole ward of a fucking baby that I can’t just put in the closet when the other bartenders have jury duty or tickets to Jay Z or well, explosive diarrhea. This is the curse of being a manager, I suppose. Whatever, he’s a complete choach, and I try not to listen to anything he says, as a general rule.
It’s funny, on one hand, I need this job, and I like the flexibility and the cash and the general sense of not having some terrible job that keeps me constantly working long hours and freaking out, and on another hand, I feel like quitting would be the best thing that could happen to me. I constantly think I’m gonna get fired, which is ridiculous, because I don’t do anything that would warrant getting fired. It’s almost like a fantasy I have where I walk in, and they fire me first thing in the morning. That would be sweet, but that’s not how people get fired. People get fired at the end of the day. People close the door and tell you that they’re gonna have to let you go.
In the place I work, the person who would be in charge of firing me, were it to happen, would then try to have a bit of a dialog about why this was all going on, but I’ve already decided that when and if that fateful day comes, I’m not listening to that shit. As soon as I hear “we’re gonna have to let…” I’m out the door. I’ve already listened to these people talk more than I’m comfortable with for a lifetime. The SECOND it’s not somehow tied to my financial betterment, I’ll never listen to them again for even a moment.
Here’s the other thing I think about on occasion. It’s come to my attention that a lot of people are reading this thing, more than I really thought…I wonder if my employers are reading it. Is my manager sitting upstairs while I stack glasses reading this shit? That creates a strange situation. I mean, they, if they DO ever read this, surely don’t want me knowing they read it, as they don’t particularly like me, and they don’t want to feed into any ideas I have that they’re paying any special attention to my life one way or another, and I certainly don’t want them reading my random gripes about my job, but at the same time, I kind of love the idea of this manager sitting up in the office, reading this, then coming down and pretending that she didn’t read it and talking to me, even though she’s just read this part about exactly what she’s about to do…it’s like spaceballs, when they fast forward the tape to ‘now’. Do you know what I’m talking about, kids? Good times. Okay, enough about that place. Sheesh.
Tomorrow, I leave town for a week. It’s gonna be rough. How am I gonna write this bad boy? I don’t even think they’ve strung up internet wires out in Colorado yet. I’m going to a wedding, and I’m gonna see some friends and I’m gonna have to take my insanely wiggly baby on a plane. He’s a full on monster these days and I don’t know how in the hell we’re gonna keep him still for even a second. Do they make baby oxycontin? That seems like it would do the trick.
I’m tired. I’m always tired. I used to never be tired, then the baby came along and totally fucked up my sleep. If we have another kid, which is part of my plan for world domination (I want to birth out a whole boy band and be next Joe Jackson) I’m not gonna have a good solid week of sleep for the next what? Nineteen years? Jesus fucking Christ. It’s funny. Childhood lasts forever, particularly if you just get out of school and play in a band for a decade or so, but adulthood…that shit goes so fast. I feel like I’m already done and used up. It’s just all planning and the future and tracking and how old you are and jobs and retirement and fuck! I’m thirty two and I feel like I missed something and it’s too late to get it back. It’s time to die. There you go, you didn’t get yourself on the fast track in your twenties, you’re fucked. You might as well talk to those bar managers you seem to love making fun of, because that’s your future, man. Middle management in the service industry. Ooooh. Cool.
Don’t any of you people out there want to hire me for something? I can write a page about felching, tit fucking, farting, fucking animals, internet pornography or even something else, non butt/dong related pretty fast. I do these entries every morning in about 15 to 30 minutes, depending on the subject. I’d be a great addition to your magazine, editor of the New Yorker! Consider this here essay my application. Oh, what? Real jobs don’t take those…that’s right. Well, this is my resume? No? Huh…fuck it. I guess it’s back to the bar.

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25 Responses to Nobody knows the troubles I’ve seen…

  1. J says:

    We have an infant and a toddler/nazi; there is no chance at ever having a life again. My husband's 32 and talks like he's approaching retirement.

  2. kylewagoner says:

    I don't wanna grow up…

    I hate movies and books about getting old. The finale episode of Scrubs made me want to sever every artery of my body even though it was a happy ending…because it was an ending. Fuck…


  3. Kevin Burnett says:

    Two weeks ago I got laid off from my job. When I was still working there, I thought it was the best thing going. I traveled full time, 7 days a week, living out of hotels and on the expense account. No rent to pay for, basically the only thing I spent money on was toothpaste and beer. I got to see the whole west coast from San Diego to Seattle to Denver.

    After about a year of it though I was going fucking nuts because the work was a sales job and it was the exact same process every day and nothing ever changed and it got easy, and boring…and then they laid me off…and you know what? I don't miss one single boring fuckin' second of it.

    Yeah, I'm back at home with my folks for a few weeks while I figure my shit out, and yeah I can't be the mysterious guy from out of town chasing loose women anymore, but at the same time I feel happier and more alive right now than I have in the last year because the future is wide fucking open again.

    I can't relate to having a kid though, so I get that it's a totally different beast.

  4. L says:

    panic attacks, nightmares about serving, celebrity weight gain, pop-tarts… is it sad that this sums up my morning?

  5. Candice says:

    There are a number of things I would pay you to do for/to me but I doubt your wife would approve.

  6. drew says:

    Yo beex, have fun back in my home state for a week! Not sure which part you are gonna be in, but if you find yourself near Ft. Collins, make sure to stop in the surfside bar. I know some dudes would love to see you in there! Also, take advantage of the microbrews! Can't go wrong with Tommyknocker.

  7. J.A. Falduto says:

    bk, whenever you hate your job, remember that you changed my life a long time ago. i seriously doubt that your "supervisors" can claim such a thing.

  8. Bridgett says:

    The place I work informs its employees on a regular basis that they do search for us on the internet to make sure we aren't giving out company secrets to the public, and whatnot. It kinda sucks. I have no one to bitch about said "company secrets" to except people who, if they get sick of me, can't just click over to another website; they have to keep listening until I shut up.

  9. 3 wisdom teeth says:

    i was gonna ask about how many people at your job "know who you are?", or if anyone reads your blog? does anyone there no about your music, or have you been able to avoid any discussion about it?

  10. bert says:

    I know exactly what you mean. If ever the day comes (I pray for it actually) that I get fired, I am out that fucking door before they can utter a single word.
    Felcher's Welcome

  11. Scott says:

    "now, what we are watching is now, Just now, then was now, but now is now"

    dude, spaceballs? PURE AWESOMENESS

  12. Sean says:

    There are a number of things I would pay you to do for/to me but I doubt your wife and/or Candice would approve.

  13. planespotting says:

    "Nobody knows … but Jesus."

    "Wow … she's a bass."

  14. Candice says:

    sean: i approve if i can get in on sloppy seconds.

  15. Mikey says:

    Yesterday at work my co-worker, who I figure is about a good 30 years older than me and works with me stocking things onto shelves at a grocery store said to me

    "let me give you a little tip…nothing annoys a manager more than when you do a section and miss an item that's on special" (referring to how I didn't load up the ice cream cones even though I wasn't asked to do that…)

    This came from a guy who, I kid you not, CONSTANTLY whistles that circus music tune. Ugh.

  16. Robb says:

    There's a number of things you needn't pay me to do to Candice, and I'm sure your wife would approve.

    I'm talkin' m&ms mixed in the breakfast cereal, a touch of cinnamon in the shampoo, lightly-scented potpourri in the ac ducts–absolutely devastating pranks.

  17. Candice says:

    i have yogurt with m&m's every morning for breakfast! you know just my style.

  18. Toto says:

    i can't fucking believe this! i just quit my job 2 hours ago(before reading this!), i called my boss and told him that i'm not working anymore and that he should hire another slave, and as the conversation ended i felt free for the first time in a year and a half,, i love it!!!!!!!!
    i can go to indonesia or kamtchatka (where is that place?) if i want (and if i had the money), i can do all the thing i always wanted to do man i feel really happy even thou i won't have a cent.
    loosing all hope/job is freedom!! now i know how William Wallace felt.

  19. Toto says:

    oh and Candice, i have the feeling i've seen you in a porn movie… maybe not, i don't should try anyway.
    i don't have a job anymore so we can try and make one, i'm not in just for the money thoug

  20. Candice says:

    it's entirely possible

  21. Tony says:

    Robb, I want you to start a blog of your own. Make it happen, man.

  22. VoicesOffCamera says:

    It's funny, before I got to the part where you talk about if your supervisors read your blog, i was thinking 'does his boss read this?'

    When I worked at the Excalibur (taking pictures of drunk bachelorettes with the Thunder From Down Under Guys) we lost like 6 employees in one night because one of them posted a blog on myspace about one of the bosses, who she was friends with on there, and the other 5 employees responded. The next night the boss sacked them all.

    My girlfriend, one of her jobs is to monitor the net for anyone talking trash about her employer on the net. She caught one of my friends who is her coworker and lucky told him before the boss found out or he would've been fired (though he did lose his job shortly after due to the economy).

    Hopefully if your bosses do read this they have a sense of humor about it.

  23. Robb says:

    So when you mentioned Joe Jackson…I was thinking of the 'other' Joe Jackson–the prolific powerpop artist. You can just imagine the confusion~!

    Tony–I've toyed with the idea, but lack of ambition and forward momentum has been a hindrance. But, I'll probably call it "The Story Of The Story of Everest" after that one Mr. Show sketch, if it does happen.

  24. Joseph says:

    this post made me depressed.
    i'm 20, turning 21 in 4 months.
    i don't have a job.
    i'm flailing in school.
    and i'm not even in a crappy band!

  25. Jordan Castro says:


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