und Becks?

Hey beavers and balls, what’s crackalackin? Oh, me? Just getting ready for another exciting day of breaking glasses and pretending not to hate motherfuckers. It’s not that bad really. I mean, I get to ride my bike there, so, um…wow. That’s a pretty lame silver lining. Okay, I’m late, and since yesterday was a well thought out and highly philosophical discussion regarding modern culture vis a vis our obsession with the anus, I feel like today is a good day for a little old fashioned advice. You hangin in there, Dogs Of War? Good. Oh, and regarding that tshirt design that I got sent, I’d really like a couple of those if someone makes ‘em. I mean, I can think of nothing funnier than wearing a shirt with my own picture promoting (essentially) my own brain. Mmm Hmmm. Take that, Toni Braxton. Who’s a diva now? Rawwr. Oh, and I tried to go to your dumb message board the other day (the sock drawer 2, or the other sock drawer, or the dirty sock pile…I don’t know what you guys are going by over there. It’s kind of like sneaking over and spying on the Others, right? [not that I watch that show, by the way. Nothing starring anyone who was EVER on Party of Five will be blessed by my viewership]) and I noticed that you’ve gotta be signed in? What the fuck is that? Some velvet rope you guys have over there. I guess y’all will never get to see the great picture of my nutsack that I was gonna post. Sigh…
Okay, on to my man Robert, who seems to have a real pickle:

I’ve been seeing this chick for a few weeks and she’s rad as hell. unfortunately her ex-boyfriend is a psychopath drug dealer who threatened to very seriously kick my ass (he beat the crap out of her for 2 years, so she’s terrified of him). so, in the interest of my safety, she severed all ties. told me to stop calling her. she even says “i like you but i don’t want you to end up blaming and hating me.” i’ve told her thats nonsense, i’m old enough i should be allowed to make the decision based on if the possible consequenses outweigh the benefits. she says no.
now i’m not a violent person, but i have a big urge to take a baseball bat and go find him. not that it would help the situation… and i’m tryin’ real hard to be logical…

Okay, well, first off there’s not too many situations where beating the shit out of someone with a baseball bat is the move that I’d recommend, and this, believe it or not is no exception. If you beat this dude up with a baseball bat, it’s not like you pass the level and you go on to a new world. He’s not vanquished forever (unless you seriously fuck him up, in which case you’re gonna be in jail flossing your ass with dongs, and I’d be a TERRIBLE advice columnist if I suggested anything that could possibly come out that way), and chances are that he’s gonna fucking come after you in a pretty serious way. I mean, if he’s the kind of mongaloid that would beat up a girl, then he’s the kind of mongaloid that will seek revenge on you all while upping the ante. That’s IF all this is exactly how it’s presented here.
Here’s the deal- It all sounds a little goofy to me. I mean, she likes you but she severed all ties because of her ex? How does he know what she’s doing all the time? She can’t talk on the phone to you? Why is she so trapped? Do they have a kid together? Live in the same house? This is EXTREME behavior, especially since you don’t seem to be afraid of this dude at all. I understand that she’s the victim of some beatings, and you, as of yet have not received any beatings, so yeah…Still, something seems fucked up about this to me.
There are a few possible situations here. 1. She’s making shit up for the sheer drama of everything. 2. She’s trying to dance around the fact that she doesn’t like you that much, and has chosen a seemingly impenetrable forcefield in the form of psycho drug dealing ex boyfriend. 3. She’s fucking CRAZY. 4. She’s so fucking wrapped up in this former relationship that she still sees him as completely controlling her life, and she CAN’T ignore him, because he is still very much part of her thoughts. Not just negatively either. What I’m saying is, when people date and break up, it can sometimes take a very long time for people to completely separate. This is why people mope around and decide they’ll never love again the way they loved before and all that. It also goes this way. She’s convinced that this controlling asshole is STILL in complete control of her, even if it’s not true.
Look, none of this is even really an issue. It doesn’t matter which of these options is true (although, I’d be shocked if EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM wasn’t at least a little true). This chick, right now, BAD NEWS. Even if you get the boyfriend put in jail, or get him to move to Antananarivo, or set him up with your sister and totally win him over; EVEN IF YOU COMPLETELTY SORT SHIT OUT WITH HIM SOMEHOW (not likely, by the way) the chick is obviously too damaged to be as into you as you want her to be. Stay away. Eventually, she’ll be ready to date people and if you play this right, it could very well be you. If you force yourself into this situation that she has OVERTLY told you to stay out of, well, you’ve got about as much of a chance of fucking Oprah as ever fucking this girl.
Blam! Advice administered.
Talk amongst yourselves.

This entry was posted in cloris leachman. Bookmark the permalink.

51 Responses to und Becks?

  1. bishikon says:


    for you mr kelly, itl make your day

  2. Nico says:

    I am convinced BK is too neo-con or on a short leash to post his ballsack on the forum.

    And dude, you can take that advice to the bank. Its fucking spot on, Bevan.

  3. trolley says:

    @Robert – listen to this man.

  4. sheila says:

    for those of you who have no desire to join the other sock drawer, here is a link to the shirt design:


  5. sheila says:


  6. Some Young Guy says:

    i haven't read a blog mentioning Antananarivo in… ever. do you throw random words into your blog to make it more searchable or something?

    consider maybe that the dude writing in is in high school or something… like, all these people go to school together or have the same geometry class. it's hard to avoid people when that's the case. i dunno, that just seems like something a high school chick would do: lie about situation to avoid uncomfortable emotions or hurting peoples' feelings or something.

    and on a side note, people who ask for advice who are in high school: YOU GOTTA MENTION IF YOU'RE IN HIGH SCHOOL because it changes all the circumstances! it's not the same as real life, seriously.

  7. monkeyman8889 says:

    2×4 with a Nail at the top would work a lot better than a baseball bat.

  8. Shaun says:

    @Some Young Guy:

    If he's in high school, then he should DEFINITELY leave her alone. Any girl who's going to play these sort of games in high school is definitely too immature and warped to be in a relationship.

    The advice still stays the same. You're right about high school changing the circumstances, although I should hope that everyone agrees that high school relationships that require third party advice boil down to the same advice every time:

    "It's high school; this shit doesn't matter; go find someone else to spend a few months with before you get bored and move on to yet another person."

  9. bishikon says:

    fix the text for that shirt design and id wear it 110%

  10. sheila says:

    fix it how?

  11. sheila says:


  12. Josh says:

    I've got a bar etiquette question here that I don't think I've yet seen covered on the blog:

    If someone is drinking nothing but cans or bottles of beer all night how much do you expect him/her to tip? I personally only tip a dollar every other or every third drink depending on the cost of the drink (I'll generally tip more if the beers are under 2 bucks because I figure they're practically giving it away). But to tip a dollar a drink when the only work involved is turn, grab, turn back, twist, grab money, throw in drawer… that seems a bit excessive. That takes a grand total of 30 seconds and if the bars not that crowded it's not like I'm taking their time from the big drinks that actually deserve tips. But if it IS crowded and a guy makes a point to get to my single beer in the order that I came up instead of skipping over me for twenty minutes for a bunch of slobbering chicks who might show him their tits, but probably not… that also often warrants more frequent tips.

    I dunno… thoughts?

    Also for the record, I'm not a cheapo… I always tip 20% or more at restaurants and a dollar per mixed drink, pitcher, or shot.

  13. Capt Murdock says:

    You have to register so we can keep all the pedos out.

    And since you didn't sign in it appears as if its doing its job.



  14. Candice says:

    i think the design is great sheila and i can't wait to be wearing brendan's face on my ass

  15. AlexCanteen says:

    As someone who has dated my share of crazies…I can't even measure up to that guy.
    Stay away dude.

  16. planespotting says:

    Getting another tattoo of Brendan's face on your bum, Candice?

  17. Candice says:

    i'll take brendan near my genitals anyway i can get it.

  18. ak says:

    i feel i must inteject…..no i am not in the bar tending/resturant business any more, but after spending 7 years…yes, you are a cheap ass. I know, I know it's fucked up. I felt that it wasn't fair because I waited on people for 45 minutes at lunch time and recieved two dollars while a bartender gets a dollar a drink from me (this is in texas, it maybe higher in Cali or NY), but thats the fucking deal. Most bar tenders/waiters (that includes the ladies) don't even keep all of their tips, they usually have to give back a percentage to the house (namely a percentage of total sales) compound this with a crappy hourly wage (since the government taxes all of your credit card tips) you usually end up with beer money for a pay check…so yes, you tip a dollar ON EVERY DRINK and a bit more when you are a regular or drunk, see bartenders are higher than waiters, greeters, and bus boys on the industry food chain, they have to maintain regulars either by having great tits or in a guy's case, great personality to keep them coming in, so either cough up the extra cash, or drink a few tall boys before going to the bar, and I guarantee you the bartenders will actually smile when you come in, instead of faking it like your girlfriend

  19. wilddanimal says:

    While my immediate response is "ice the motherfucker," the law may not deem that justifiable homicide. So yeah, Brendan's probably right. If homegirl is gonna be like that, odds are she's too crazy to be worth dealing with. Crazy bitches aren't worth dealing with, in general, even if they are great fucks.

  20. Candice says:

    same goes for crazy guys no matter how great they are in bed.

  21. planespotting says:

    Are crazy guys known to be good in bed? I wonder what causes crazy dudes and ladies to be competent at boning but not, say, acting like a sane person?

    (ha, ha – my word verification is 'porkin')

  22. Candice says:

    i think it's hit and miss. but the point is nothing is worth staying with a crazy person. as long as i've got working fingers, i don't need any crazy men in my life.

  23. admp says:

    Bartenders have a lot more responsibilities than anyone else in a restaurant, they have to deal with assholes more than anyone in a restaurant, and to compound it all if they're doing their job legally they usually have to spend 8 hours surrounded by all the booze they could ever want without a drop to drink.

    So yeah, a dollar a drink is the minimum, I'd say. I tip more for Mint Juleps or Whiskey Sours, though.

    And yeah man, I am usually single because I avoid any situation with a girl where I'm not going to be fully assured there will be no craziness. I get less action than the going-steady crowd, I'd wager, but I'm a lot happier not dealing with anyone else's drama.

  24. bert says:

    im not in high school… im 28. basically the dude is stalking her and olympia is a really small town (and since he sells drugs) he knows someone in every bar/venue/restaurant, ect so when we would show up, he'd get a phone call… i've been told this by outside sources, so i know she's at least not making THIS shit up…

  25. Corova says:

    Then you're more than old enough to know that it's not worth it to deal with it. It's only been a few weeks, so it shouldn't be too bad on ya. Just get out there and meet someone you think is rad and doesn't at least have all of these obvious signs of crazy everywhere…

    Now, if I could only follow my own damn advice.

  26. SaulioSBJ123 says:

    Aren't the balls supposed to be an 8, not a 3?

  27. Samuel says:

    Hey BK, what kind of bike do you ride?

  28. Sickie27 says:

    I'd like to have sex with a crazy person someday, possibly, probably not because I'd be too scared.

    Is it weird that whenever I watch movies or read news articles about crazy people, I sometimes think about what it would be like to have sex with them? (As long as they are decently attractive, of course.)

  29. Routine says:

    Kerning refers to spacing out the individual letters in a word or text.

    I'm sure you've google'd it by now though…

  30. jsin1981 says:

    Dude forget about her get drunk and go have fun. That's the only thing thaty will rectify this situation. There has gotta be a better girl out there for you somewhere. Oh and baawwwwnnnggg!!!

  31. Candice says:

    sickie- if you want crazy, i'll introduce you to my ex-bf. you'll wanna blow your brains out. but the sex will be decent.

  32. Tony says:

    I would totally wear that shirt.

  33. TJ says:

    Yes would proudly wear that shirt to the office. Also good advice today.

  34. InSoo Park says:

    Sheila-if you print out a few of those shirts let me know, i'd def buy one and rawk it out.

  35. Bridgett says:

    Sickie–Find yourself a Juggalo. They're crazy. You really don't have to do much digging to really be convinced of it.

    Sheila–I would wear that shirt. It's excellent.

  36. Tom says:

    I need to ask the sock drawer/Brendan Kelly a question. I am trying to get my band off the ground and it seems like every show we book falls through. Not trying to get really big or anything, but how the hell does one get on shows that don't auto-fail. Just keep asking people and hope to get lucky? I have been trying this shit for the last 3 years and it rarely never works unless its a party. Any advice would be awesome.


  37. AlexCanteen says:

    Contact any local college activity office. If you will play for not a ton of cash and they have the spots, they should give you a spot to play (and sometimes give you food).

  38. Sickie27 says:

    I want crazy, not some repulsive Juggalo!

  39. Mark says:

    Bitches ain't shit but ho's and tricks.

  40. Bill Shakespeare says:

    I want one of those shirts.

  41. Some Young Guy says:

    where do you live? ask small venues for shows they usually hook up small bands. send demos to people and shit and generally promote your band and maybe people will start asking YOU for shows.

    it seems weird that they all fall through… i mean getting shows is like, the smallest hurdle when it comes to being in a band, after, you know, having members and songs.

  42. Tony P. says:

    I dated a crazy like yours once.

    It was a year after high school and she was fucking nuts. She lied about the house her parents lived in. She used a friends screen name to instant message me and tell me she was in a bad car accident-when I got to the hospital, she wasn't there-she claimed she had already been discharged-she didn't even have a car.
    She also claimed to have a psycho ex boyfriend drug dealer that was going to kick my ass/kill me. I met him several years later-he wore sandals and had hippie hair.

    I won. I dumped her ass after the "I'm nailing a crazy chick" novelty wore off. She was knocked up 6 months later. No it wasn't/isn't mine.

    I don't have hippie hair.

  43. Dan says:

    I agree with the advice also… best to leave that one well enough alone. Some girls tend to have some kind of magnetism to insane bullshit, and no matter what you do, you'll only end up getting dragged into something stupid.

    As for tipping, what if beers are $4.50 or something? Do they really expect you to leave more than the change from a five? I've gone to a place where beer was $4.75. Are they just trying to be dicks to their servers?

  44. Seagull Steve says:

    One of my favorite cheating situations that Ive been involved in (isnt that a great way to start a story?) was with a stripper who just got out of jail and was dating a 300 pound Mexican coke dealer with a pretty good record (read: lots of arrests) with the cops. We had a bunch of sex, and the next morning he picked her up…FROM MY FRONT DOOR. She hold him that I was some gay dude and she slept on my couch. It all worked out actually, although I was kind of nervous for a little bit.

    And coming from someone who doesnt put much stock in video games, that was a pretty rad analogy in there.

  45. Justin says:

    Dan, in my opinion, there actually being dicks to their customers. The prices for beer where I work are either 4.75 or 5.75. When I first started it was 4.00 and 5.00. The majority of my customers will leave 1.25. Those who can't leave at least a dollar don't deserve to drink out.

    BK, you probably have plans but I thought you would enjoy this. http://www.windycitystoryslam.com/wordpress/?p=464
    We have Irvine Welsh and John Schultz reading.

  46. skankinmonkey90 says:

    hey brendan,
    i'm in kind of a weird situation, yet totally awesome in a way. so in 10th grade i had this earth science teacher and i had a huge crush on her. she was really sweet and cute, and she was the only science teacher i actually enjoyed, and the only science class i ever did well in. so, 3 years later, she friended me on facebook. and i didn't think much of it, i thought it was cool because she was one of my favorite high school teachers. then a couple of weeks later, shefacebook im'ed me, and we talked for awhile about what's going on now with our lives. i mentioned how she was my favorite teacher and whatnot, and she said "you were the sweetest". so as she was leaving, she told me that we should catch up, and she gave me her AIM screen name. so last night, she im'ed me and we talked for about 2 minutes and before she left to go to bed, she said "i just wanted to say hi before i went to bed." so i don't know what to make of this, because society frowns upon this in every way, me being 18 and her being 28, but i'm not her student anymore and she works at a different school. i'm not expecting much to come of it, but i just wanted an outside opinion of this situation. thanks!

  47. Sickie27 says:



    That is all.

  48. Tom says:

    Well today we had a show lined up and then all of a sudden the promoter cancelled it due to a lack of a public gathering license. Fortunately we were able to move it last minute to another bar down the street. But damn man… shit's hard. I live on Long Island. Also today, we went to a rehearsal studio that closed years ago yet the number (which is listed under it's address) goes straight through to another studio like 10 miles away. We were standing outside this deserted studio for like 20 minutes before we finally were able to piece it together.

  49. Stizzy says:

    @ skankinmonkey

    most likely you're looking way too into this and nothing is going to happen except her talking to you on the internet. If I'm wrong and she wants to play hide the sausage. Then I say go for it.

  50. SaulioSBJ123 says:

    what is the point of fucking your teacher if she can no longer give you an A?

  51. Jeremy says:

    I would love to see that Bad Sandwich Chronicles inspired shirt available, that is an awesome design. Speaking of awesome t-shirts and Lawrence Arms anyone else remember the hot dog design t-shirt? I got that at the show at Clearwater Theater in Dundee a few years ago that was an awesome show.

Leave a Reply