Today is a beautiful day. It’s sunny and warm without being oppressive and THAT my friends, means that my dumb bar is going to be slammed. I will be forced to wash dishes and restock bottles and hand endless numbers of margaritas and glasses of pinot grigio to flummoxed waitresses all while navigating sandwiches and beers to the dumb dildos who would rather sit in the dark bar than outside where it’s nice. I will have to talk to these people, regardless of their stupidity or lack of social graces. I will have to get them whatever they want. I will have to pretend I don’t hate them. Why do I do this, dogs of war? Why? I’ll tell you. I do it for the fucking TIPS you cheap fucks.
Yesterday, the Sock Drawer hosted a spirited debate regarding tipping. I feel that the general consensus was right on, but let me add my dollar, if I may.
Regarding the guy who mentioned that he tips every other round if he’s just drinking beers based on the ease of what the bartender is doing and yadda yadda yadda. Well, yeah, sure that makes sense. I get it, but you’re cheap. There’s nothing inherently wrong with your argument, but it’s an argument put in place to justify paying less money than what you know to be the standard, which is what cheap fucks do. They rationalize their cheapness. I mean, if I knock down a parking meter on the grounds that I put all my quarters in it and it didn’t register them, and I’m now out of quarters and I’ve already paid thousands dollars in tickets to this vampiric city’s department of revenue and I really need to go in and (let’s just say) contest a ticket, and this is the only parking space, and again, I’m out of quarters because this fucking meter just ate them without posting that I paid, well, sure, that’s justified in my mind, but it doesn’t erase that I’m a vandal.
If you tip less than a buck a drink, you’re cheap. Face facts. All the reasoning in the world isn’t gonna change anything. The bartender standing there looks at you and assesses thusly: “what a cheap fuck.” I mean, if you go to the Congo and hang out with Pygmies, you’re tall, right? Regardless of if you’re actually only 5’2”, you’re tall in a hut full of little tiny 3 footers. Everything is relative, and yes, if you go to mcdonalds and tip every other time you’re there, they will herald you as a Robin Hood or a wealthy tycoon showering nickels down on the unwashed hordes from a zeppelin, but at a bar (and you KNOW this already) you tip a fucking dollar a drink. You get a beer and a shot, you tip two bucks. This is the MINIMUM that you tip to not look like a cheap fuck. Again, I don’t want to hear your arguments. I’m not telling you that it’s right or wrong, I’m telling you how it is. Capice? Good.
Okay, now that you’re up to speed, you cheap fucks, let’s play a game. I’ll list some drinks and then I’ll list some outsized stereotypes and you match up which person orders which drink. This is just a little something I dreamed up behind the bar to pass time. I like to guess what kind of person is drinking the drinks that come through on my server’s tickets and see if I’m right. It’s just kind of racial and social profiling based on repetitive patterns of behavior as demonstrated by certain groups. That said, this is probably at least a little offensive to you if you’re a total pussy, so maybe stop reading I guess…For the rest of you heroes, here’s a little game to play in honor of Friday. I’ll post the answers Monday, the winner gets to send me a private photo of their naked asshole. Ready? Go!
1. Long Island Iced Tea
2. Sierra Nevada
3. Effen Black Cherry/Soda
4. PBR/Shot of rye
5. 3 Olives Grape and soda-Tall
6. chocolate martini
7. MGD bottle
8. Vodka red bull-tall
10. Mai Tai
Okay, now here are the choices. Keep in mind, more than one answer may be correct, and answers can be used more than once.
1. Mexican construction worker
2. fat and skanky posse of white girls
3. sharp dressed black guy
4. effete hipster dipshit
5. sorority skank
7. sassy black woman
8. Mexican (non construction)
9. total fucking wastoid who looks like they’re about to die (guy or girl)
10. Pretend hippy
11. Gay dude out with a bunch of girls
14. coked up loser sitting by himself eating dinner while high
Okay, have some fun with this, kids. I’ll see you all on Monday. Enjoy your weekends!