did you see the toe on that camel?
Hey, what are you doing today? Me? Well, firstly, I’m gonna go vote early and help get that black guy elected. Also, I’m gonna vote for all the communist judges. Then I’m going to go eat a wild boar burger with my wife and a buddy who’s visiting from out of town. THEN I’m going to run some sort of errand which currently escapes me…(we’re all up on felch tubing…so that’s not it) and then I’m going to go to my writing class and watch people read my skit which is about, in essence, the differences between men and women. Nah, that’s not quite right. It’s about how men act and how women react to them.
Are you a woman? Are you ugly? Do you think that having a nice pair of tits/ass/stomach something like that is enough to get you attention? Because (and I’m sure this is just shocking to everyone) it sure is. Men are so good at reducing women to one part that sometimes it really works out in their favor. To translate this into alternate gender terms, your tits are like our personalities. They override everything negative and become the actual summation of what we think of you. I’m using the royal ‘we’ here…no, that’s not right, either. The royal we is really saying ‘we’ in the place of ‘I’. I guess, what’s the opposite of that? I’m using the peasant ‘we’ which means ‘men, but not me specifically’ and I’m also using tits as a sort of holding spot for whatever it is that whatever man we’re talking about is fetishizing on you. So it could be your ass or your hair or your legs or your feet or that space between your pussy and your asshole (the cobra). Whatever, you’ve got the one thing, whatever it is, you’ll do. For men, it’s the same way. All you need is that one thing women want, and you’ll do. The difference here is that it’s always the same thing and it has nothing to do with your looks. You can have the greatest hair and the sweetest abs at the whole pool and if you’re walking around like some sort of insecure preening flamingo, it’s not gonna work. All you need, (and I know I’ve said this before, but it really bears repeating) is confidence. I mention this because I got a lot of advice questions yesterday from young men who are trying to wow chicks who already have dudes. I got four of these, about this same problem. “I like this chick, and I’ve kind of been trying to swoop in, but someone out swooped me.” And then there’s one dude who’s just got a handholding thing going on. He likes a chick and all she wants to do is hold his hand. Will they ever bang? Maybe, but not as long as he keeps up the hand holding. You need to reset her idea of you, and that’s gonna involve a little separation. You know how chicks always say “if you suck his dick and don’t ask for a commitment, why’s he gonna commit? That’s the only thing he wants anyway.” It’s the same thing for chicks but with handholding and cuddling and shit like that. You’re listening to stories about her coworkers and her day but she’s not fucking you? Why’s she gonna buy the cow? She’s getting the milk for free! That’s essentially the female equivalent of giving you a booty call. (And ladies, yes. I’m acutely aware that plenty of girls just want to bang, and plenty of girls put out regular booty calls and all that. You know what I mean. Stop being so fucking sensitive. Sheesh)
I was at this café once, and I was jiggling my baby around to keep him happy, and I look up and there are these two women, mid thirties, looking at me with the same eyes that dudes look at sluttily dressed chicks in bars with. That’s when it hit me. Guys want to get sucked off in the bathroom, and girls want someone to jiggle their babies around and shit. It’s the trade. You suck some dick he jiggles some babies, everyone is kind of happy. Then you die.
Okay, so I’m way WAY off target here today. SO, for the guy who’s doing the handholding, get the fuck out of that situation if you EVER want to bang this girl. It’s the ONLY way. Women know within seconds of meeting you if they’d ever fuck you. You need to essentially meet her again, because, and I promise, when the time comes that she’s ‘over her ex’ or whatever, it’s gonna take her about 45 seconds before she’s naked, and that could be any minute with pretty much anyone. It’s just the way the confidence gets exuded.
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