There’s no crying in baseball!

I just read the following (and this is a paraphrase) “Tom Hanks’s Blog! Find out how the world’s coolest actor spent his summer vacation.”
Dude. Seriously. Tom. Hanks.
Okay, so he was in Bosom Buddies, sure. He did Joe vs. The Volcano and Bachelor Party and more recently (but still, like ten years ago) he made a movie with a beachball and grew some dreads. I personally think white guys with dreads are, um, what’s the word I’m looking for…I don’t know. Is there a word for when you go out of your way to do something that makes you look stupid/blissfully unaware of who you are/annoying/gross/ pathetic and greasy all at once? Damn this limited vocabulary! I mean, having dreads is one of those things that you can use as the ONLY description of a person and it usually suffices:
“Okay, so we’re at the theater, all ready to leave and all of a sudden Melanie is talking to this absolute douchebag and I’m like ‘lets go!’ and she actually decided to stay and go to some bar with him.”
“What was the guy like?”
“Oh, you know. He was one of those white guys with dreadlocks.”
“WHAT?!!! Seriously?!”
See? It’s a bad scene. But whatever, man. Some people think that’s cool, I guess. (Actually, I’m personally not too impressed by the whole ‘physical transformation to play the role’ school of hardcore method acting or whatever it’s called either, speaking of old ‘Castaway’. Wow. You got fat. Wow. You got skinny. You got TEN MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS to do it. Give me thirty grand and I’ll pack on a hundred pounds quicker than you can say ‘Oprah’ and I won’t even go around to talk shows talking about my bravery in the name of my craft…sheesh. Actors, what a bunch of self important dongs.) Okay, so back on track here. Tom Hanks is not the coolest actor alive. I don’t know who is, but I know who ain’t. Here’s a quick summary of some actors who aren’t the coolest actors alive, no matter what their publicists tell you.

Tom Hanks- Not to belabor the point, but no, dude. The Terminal is the last movie I can even think of that he was in. That was what? A serious take on Borat but confined to an airport? Wow. Good idea, studio executive! It appeals to everyone who went to Borat for the love story, but got a little unnerved by the rampant dick flailing/gay sex. Tom’s New Englander accent in ‘catch me if you can’ was so embarrassing that Leonardo Decaprio’s Irish brogue from Gangs of New York was laughing at him, and that’s saying something, cuz leo’s no fucking master of accents.

Robin Williams- God, I’m so sick of this guy and his bullshit. He’s the classic example of someone who lost it, and then rather than looking forward for inspiration he turned to his old work. When he does his “Robin Williams thing” he’s essentially eating his twenty year old poo and shitting an even less nutrient rich version of the poo back out for us to kind of try to enjoy in that ‘oh-I-used-to-like-something-kind-of-like-this-years-ago’ sort of way. And god help you if he’s not doing his ‘every-reference-under-the-sun-coked-out-just-kidding” thing…then he’s doing something so laughably heartfelt and contrived that it verges on being funnier than his crappy stand up….ugh. It’s enough to…

Okay, I can’t do this. I don’t care about old actors who desperately cling to their faded glory days…Sometimes I can laugh at or along with the morality play/cautionary tale that is Hollywood and sometimes it just bums me out. That place is seriously like a work camp where we send our most desperately insecure and untalented individuals to fuck and suck their way through the smartest/slimiest/grossest/most conniving human beings on the planet, and as a reward, we go through their trash, examine every aspect of their lives, feel smugly superior as we worship them, and then give them a few million to blow on coke before they either get dragged, kicking and screaming into obscurity or they die, or, in the rare case, they just take the money and run.
I never understood why more people didn’t pick this last option. I tell you what man, if I got ten million dollars for a job, I don’t care if it’s putting out a record, selling tons of books, painting a picture, acting in a movie, whatever…that’s fucking it, man. I’m done. You won’t be seeing me again. I’m moving somewhere nice and I’m gonna kick it. No more fighting all these assholes to stay relevant. What’s relevant about being a multi millionaire? NOTHING! As SOON as you’re that rich, you’re no longer someone who easily relates to anything approaching real life.
Oh, sure, Deniro and Billy Joe Armstrong still do great work, and good for them. They’re talented. I’m not saying they shoudn’t work. I’m saying, imagine how hard it is for them to put aside the fact that they can’t even take a dump in the airport without someone poking their head under the stall door and asking for an autograph, putting aside that they have their own chefs in their homes, putting aside that it’s been so long since they even hung out in public anywhere without being harassed, and putting themselves into the mindset of making something that dirty plebes like us find to be relatable? That’s some nigh-impossible shit right there.
Fuck man, I barely remember what it’s like to not be married, and that was only five years ago. I barely remember what it’s like to not be a dad, and this little dude is only six months old. We’re talking about being so desperate that you completely deconstruct yourself just to somehow figure out how to make yet another album/film/statement, because all the accolades and accomplishments you have suddenly seem not that shiny, not that important. For fucks sakes! It’s been fifteen years since ‘Dookie’ came out! No fucking thanks. That’s too much work. Give me my millions, and I’ll be out of your way. Thanks.

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17 Responses to There’s no crying in baseball!

  1. bloodiedup3o says:

    You know that for only four hundred and fifty dollars more than the one hundred dollar ticket people pay to see Robin Williams do stand-up, they can get a picture taken with him and a souvenir t-shirt. I think you should consider charging for polaroids and handing out Larry Arms shirts as a souvenir for robbing them.

  2. SauliosBJ123 says:

    You know why people don’t take the money and run? Because they’ll end up like Chris Tucker. Technically, he stuck around, but he only does movies for huge amounts of money now. I guess that isn’t the same thing exactly, but he pretty much took the money and ran away from Friday and everyone with half a brain realizes he is a douchebag when the writers have to make up a random part to write him out of the trilogy (not that it was necessarily worthy of staying in, but it was better than Rush Hour).

  3. Sam Tie Blogger says:

    No Brendan, you have to take the money from making shitty music and then start a shitty label for other shitty bands and make shitty clothes for shitty people. Pete Wentz should write a fuckin book on this shit. The guys in hawthorne heights have a clothing line(though they are down a guitar player!).

    Sorry, that last line may have been offensive, but who really gives a rats ass.

  4. John Brown Style says:

    I have been saying for years that if I made some large sum of money, I would just sit on it and live my life. Work? Fuck that.

  5. Tokkie says:

    I agree Leo is crap at accents. His South African accent in ‘blood diamond’ made me cringe…

  6. lostandclowned says:

    Dude, I hate it when Green Day show how much better they are than everyone, too.

  7. Eazy D says:

    wow this is the most boring shit ive ever fuckin read. are you some kind of retard? what kind of music is your gay band? peace out xo

  8. Andrew says:

    i happen to like tom hanks. though i’ve never seen any of the movies you mentioned except castaway. and of course a league of their own but you didn’t really mention it… just referenced.
    i don’t care what you say forrest gump is one of my favorite movies all time.

  9. Troy says:

    OH GOD

  10. hooray4cookies says:

    Your Robbin Williams thing….
    Fucking classic.
    I almost spit water all over my laptop.

  11. Joseph says:

    holy crap, new colors?! it kind of hurts my eyes haha

  12. dan638563 says:

    You guys and The Smoking Popes are playing New Years shows? I live in Elgin so I will be drunk, so im kind of choosing the Popes cause it is closer and in Elgin. This is like a few months away, just food for thought.

  13. simmons says:

    im diggin the ugly look.

  14. A l e x says:

    holy bejesus shit i thought it was april fools

    don’t fuck with me like that brenny baby

    snot nice

  15. Some Young Guy says:

    hey, you haven’t given advice in a long time. i got one. what’s the best way to suggest a lady shave slash wax her butthole?

    ps your blog looks like barf now.

  16. Bonus Cupped says:

    I’m a white guy with dreads. Often people ask me why i have them while giving me a look that encapsulates everything you just said about white guys with dreads. Then i show them a pic of me before i had them and they’re like “oh, i see now.” I never get girls to come to the bar with me though.

    It’s wierd that should we ever meet i know that you’ll be thinking i’m a douche.

    The line about people sticking their head under toilet doors made me chuckle.

  17. Steven says:

    Tom Hanks was in that Da Vinchi Code movie movie recently, sporting a hairstyle that made even the castaway dreads look good.

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