just jackalackin’ around

Yo, so yeah, I missed a day on the blog, huh? How did everyone survive their respective Mondays? I had band practice. I have another band, called the Falcon that’s playing up at Subterranean on North ave in Chicago this Saturday and Sunday. It’s gonna be a gas. The Sunday performance, especially will be a hoot, as it will feature some real surprises. That’s really neither here nor there though, is it? It’s not plug time, it’s reflection time.
This weekend we played HOB and it was awesome. I had a really great time, even though there were some early evening clerical errors and we went half the show with no backstage room. Whatever, right? That’s when, as the singer of a band, it’s my job to throw a fit, chuck a lamp at a wall and ask loudly if people have forgotten exactly who the fuck I am. So, yeah, I did that and it was great. Then I boned a few groupies, did some lines off Neil’s balls and played a hell of a show. It’s crazy. The adrenaline gets so strong right before a show that the whole thing just whizzes by. It’s almost like it didn’t even happen, or more to the point, that it was happening, but I was just kind of there watching it go down. It’s indescribable, the feeling. It’s kind of like being drunk but more in control and with tunnel vision, but not in a bad way. I dunno. Who am I, a doctor? Thanks to everyone who came out. That shit was fun. Come see my other band this weekend. That’ s gonna be a good time too.
It’s funny, I spent a lot of time looking forward to that show and now it’s over and the crushing realization that I’m a drone at a shitty job has um, well…crushed me I guess. It’s like that in life, right? Like if you’re going to, oh say, Iceland, and you’re all excited for it for months, then all of a sudden, the trip’s over, you’re home and that’s it. Back to shoveling someone else’s shit. It sucks. The lesson here? Never do anything.
So, I got asked a question in an interview recently which was the following: How has becoming a father changed you as a musician? This is an interesting one, right? The fact is, there’s nothing rock and roll about being a parent. It’s quite literally the opposite of rock and roll. Rock and roll is about defying conventions and pissing off or terrifying parents or something like that. I mean, that’s my understanding. So all of a sudden, to be a parent, and have that inform your music, well, guess what? You suck now. It’s true. People go putting their babies on the covers of their records as though that’s got any sort of relevance to anyone but them. That’s just self indulgent, baby picture showing, dad behavior. It doesn’t matter if the kid’s got a beer, or he’s smoking a cigarette or he’s in front of a plate of cut out lines, it’s lame. It’s cutesy, and that’s just not cool. It’s not. People write songs for their kids too, which is almost always a bad idea. Talk about schmaltzy. Fuck! There’s that Will Smith song called “Just the two of us” where he’s rapping about how he’s always gonna make sure his kid brushes his teeth and does his algebra homework, and how he’ll whup his butt if he misbehaves and all that. Lame. What kid wants to hear a rap that their parents could conceivably have written as a morality lesson to them? Also, there’s the great line in that song “Things didn’t work out between me and your mom” which, man, if the kid wasn’t already embarrassed enough by the whole fucking thing, has to be the line that makes him get into gay porn or whatever it is you do to get back at your dork-ass rapping dad for doing one of the most mortifying songs in the history of the world. Yeah, it’s Will Smith, I know. He stinks anyway, but the point is the same.
There are a few good tunes about kids, like “Loving you is easy cuz you’re beautiful” by Minnie Ripperton about her daughter Maya Rudolph who’s now on SNL, or was recently, I don’t know. That’s a good song, but it’s hardly a rocker. I think Eminem gets the prize for the only person I’ve ever heard invoke parenting in a song and not making it sound dorky, but it’s essentially because he totally recapitulates the whole thing so that he and his daughter are essentially the kids ganging up to kill the mom. That’s a nice take, but it’s not really my style. End result? How has becoming a dad changed me as a musician? Oh, fuck. I don’t know, but it can’t be good.
Nah, those are two different things. Being a dad is something I do just you know, because I like this kid, and because if I didn’t, well, parent at him, he’d grow up to be another one of these lame dipshits that I deal with all day at my bar. Being a musician is something else entirely. I don’t want to get into using dumb lines like ‘it’s just in my blood, man’ cuz really, it’s not. I mean, I love it, but I’m not like waking up and playing riffs that came to me in my sleep or anything. That’s for people like Keith Richards to do between hits.
I don’t know what’s going on here. The other day I was talking to someone and I mentioned some crazy story that I had been involved in and I was thinking it would be great to write about here, but for the life of me I can’t remember what the fuck it was. It wasn’t the time I did Karaoke in Athens with the runner up of Greek Idol. It wasn’t the time that I stayed in the squat with the methadone clinic in it in Slovenia that had shit logs pierced with hypodermic needles scattered everywhere, it wasn’t the time I hitchhiked into the Mexican desert with my friend so he could get weed from a farmer or the time I got arrested for urinating in a public square in upstate New York and got placed on suicide watch for some strange reason. It wasn’t the time that I got locked in the stairwell in Canberra and gave myself claustrophobia, or earlier that week in Sydney where me and my friend Chris got kicked out of ten bars in one night. Fuck, man…I can’t remember what it was. It was actually wild, not like these stories, which are essentially tame, but involving wild locales. No, this was one of those stories that, every time I tell it I’m like “woah, I don’t believe that happened.”
It wasn’t when I stayed at the house in Nottingham with the dude who was debilitated with Gulf War Syndrome where you needed to actually swipe a credit card to get the shower to go on…Hmmm, it wasn’t the time where my friend Pete and I got stuck behind the bar of an English pub, pouring drinks and getting loaded while a guy who claimed he had a sterling silver Tiffany’s butt plug up his ass tried to convince us to go to a party with him on Christmas day. Man, whatever. I don’t know. I guess this will go down as just another dull entry.

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12 Responses to just jackalackin’ around

  1. Hey Dude says:

    Perhaps not Tiffany’s, but the craftsmanship certainly seems to be there.


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    Next time you work pass off Jack Daniels and Sambuca as the house special. See who bites and who pukes on the front stoop of the bar. Oh, and what, or where the fuck is the ‘delicious stretch’ (see description above)

  2. sarahsawinner says:

    So you are saying that if I intend on seeing the Falcon this weekend as I just happen to be visiting a friend in Chicago that I should plan on going to the Sunday show over the Saturday show? I’d love to go to both but I’m pretty sure my friend would explode if she had to go both nights.

  3. Seagull Steve says:

    If you are scraping for material and want to rack up those oh-so-important scene points at the same time, it probably never hurts to carry around a notebook for when those moments of wisdom come around. For example, last night I dreamt I went to an acquaintance’s house last night (I think shes in her early 40’s, I wonder what my dream self was intending) and the next thing I knew I was massaging the back of some dude I went to college with. If I wanted to remember that, which I dont, I would have been stoked to have said notepad. Yeah.

  4. martin* says:

    I would be at the show if it wasn’t on the other side of the world. Hell I would veen buy you beer all night, i can make these promises knowing my money is safe.

    have fun

  5. Andrew says:

    you left out a great, and recent, rock song about the songwriter’s kid(s)
    Little Jane-Marie by the Smoking Popes. that song is good. sure, it’s slow, but really heartfelt and good.
    I think if you wrote songs about your kid it might turn out ok. Just a couple though, don’t go nuts. I like the songs about booze and shit just fine.

  6. h.krinkle says:

    tla kicked ass at riotfest

  7. amanda says:

    Show on Friday was amazing. Chicago is amazing. Come play the Troubadour in Hollywood! =)

  8. Dole says:

    This was a quote that I found in a forum about the Creationist Museum on the msnbc website.

    “You people that are making the negative comments, and think you are so smart are really idiotic. Man is so foolish, and your comments are proof of this. There is one God that created all, and don’t ever believe for a second that “science” has proven the Bible wrong. Most of you are so ignorant to real science that you wouldn’t know real science if it kicked you in the face. Evolution is the most illogical, ridiculous, impossible theory to ever masquerade as science, and if you believe that trite, I feel sorry for you. Do your own research, the proof is out there; the earth is less than 10,000 years old, dinosaurs and humans DID coexist(and possibly still do to some extent) and no matter how much you try to hide the facts, God is displayed in His handiwork. It would take a fool to look into a microscope, or telescope, and believe what they see happened by chance. The real reason you want to believe that garbage, is because you don’t want to have to answer to anyone for your wicked lusts, hatred and desire for evil. You will bow to worship the Creator of all the LORD Jesus Christ, whether you want to believe it now or not. If I didn’t believe in trucks, that doesn’t mean that I can stand in the middle of the highway and not get hit by a semi. Personal belief does not decide truth. There is more evidence of the Creator God than there is of a semi on a highway, but you can ignore it until it’s too late. The choice is yours. I would be very afraid of this museum if I was a pagan that believed a lie as well, your tax money could go right down the drain without the brainwashing you force upon children. If the truth this place reveals is allowed to get out into the public’s eye, goodluck getting your government funding.”

    and in a related article- Hundreds of people are being drawn to the Creation Museum by what they say looks like an image of the Virgin Mary in a toilet bowl. As many as 300 people, some weeping, gathered outside the third stall of the Museum’s men’s room. They prayed, they took photographs, and they said the rosary. The museum curator said the cause of the image was not immediately clear, but he plans on talking to the head of the janitorial staff, Benedict. Sarah Palin, in the Museum preparing for this evening’s debate, said it was comforting to know that God’s spirit was there in this time of turmoil for the nation.

    I shit you not. these are real. thought you might have some fun with these.

  9. SauliosBJ123 says:

    I think more people need to be Will-Smith-style rebels and say things like “parents don’t understand” rather than “fuck you mom and dad” and continue to explain the importance of Algebra.

  10. deanna says:

    that creationism museum is a fucking riot! i highly recommend everybody go. they have dioramas of people riding on the backs of dinosaurs! i’m not even kidding.

    here’s an idea for you, inspired by a discussion on a messageboard. if you were a cannibal, what nationality of people do you think would taste the best/worst and why?

    for example, i think mexicans probably taste something like beans, chorizo, and tequila. aka awesome.

    white people, on the other hand, either taste like lean cuisine and franzia or mcdonalds grease and diet pepsi/bud light. no thanks on both accounts.

    i think i would like to hear your take on this.

    also, see you on saturday.

  11. A l e x says:

    Cannibalism jokes? You owe everything to Daniel Tosh, man… Daniel Tosh. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3kDUk_BLZzo) The clip leaves off about a third of the segment… but I couldn’t find the whole thing. Oh well.

    Anyway… thanks for posting again, Brendan. I almost didn’t make it through those three and change days with none of your hilarious witticisms to guide me through.

  12. bobgoldthwaitsingstheblues says:

    Dead Man On Campus is a sick film. Zack from saved by the bell smoking bongs with mexican removal men. That is just good clean American fun.

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