I’m gonna live forever!

Wowzers. Six came early today and I was beat. I’m still beat. My baby went down for a nap at 830 and I did too, except that happens to be the exact forty minutes when the garbage trucks are repeatedly backing up outside my house for some ungodly reason. So I just had to lay there with the equivalent of an alarm clock going off, knowing that the next chance I’d have to sleep was not going to be for some time. It’s like when you’re in a hotel and there’s no one in the next room, but the clock radio alarm goes off at six anyway. So you call the desk to bitch, but it takes them like fifteen minutes to get someone up there. Then you’re awake, and pissed and there’s not even really anyone to yell at.
That’s how I feel right now. I’m so fucking tired. My wife says she’s getting sick. I really don’t need to add sick to the list of things I’m going to be this week. I’m already dad, husband, bartender, son, guy in rock band, organizational wizard, blog overlord and fart champion. Sick too? No thank you.
Our practice went well yesterday. We’re all ready for our show at the House of Blues on Friday, oct. 10 (get your tickets while they’re available through ticketmaster) and my baby is being remarkably cool about chilling in his swing while I do this. The only problem that I can really see is that I’m too groggy to write about anything interesting. What are some interesting topics? Sex. Violence. Drugs. Politics(maybe), fame, falls from grace…Huh? That’s like Elvis Presley’s life. Nice. Uh…the baby is getting frustrated. I’m starting to panic. Um, I once new a guy who…no, that’s no good. Oh, this one time I got my dick stuck in…no, man! My mom reads this shit. Come on. Okay, here are some funny things people have said to me. No particular order and every one of these is obviously paraphrased:

“Yeah, I boned her without a rubber, cuz I figured, hey, she’s way more likely to get something from me than the other way around.”

“this is going to sound really racist, because, well, it is”

“You kind of look like that Backstreet boy with the mustache”

(to Shaquile O’neil [really, truly…me and the guy who said this were talking to Shaq]): “How’s it going, big man?”

Okay, I’m realizing something here. Context is key. So, for example, the first one, that’s only funny if you know that the statement is a) being made about a chick my friend picked up in a Georgia Roadhouse and b) probably, somehow still true. For the second one, that’s funny because prefacing racist comments is such turd polish. It’s not really gonna do much, and I appreciate that this person realized it halfway through the statement. It’s also funny because it was said by a super sweet girl who you really wouldn’t expect to say such things. The third one was said to me by my friend Mike when I was cultivating what I thought, erroneously it turns out, was a Burt Reynolds type of thing. I shaved the mustache that day. The last one involves Shaq Fu himself and was said in such a condescending manner by (this hardly needs to be pointed out) someone much, much smaller than Shaq.
Meeting shaq was cool. Him and little Richard are two celebrities who have waved aside their security detail so I could drunkenly stumble up and pretend I actually gave a shit about their respective careers.
Who else have I met who’s famous? Good question Bobby! I went to highschool with Jeremy Sisto, the guy who’s almost good looking enough to have a career in film, but instead got shit out onto the crime procedural show crapheap after playing Elton in Clueless and something on Six Feet Under. I also went to highschool with Jon Duda, who is most famous for his role in Flatliners (the creepy kid, Billy Mahoney) and his role in Prancer (he played the gay elf that was in to piss fetish stuff). Different highschools, just so you know. I didn’t go to the low rent version of FAME academy or anything.
I also went to gradeschool and highschool with the sister from home alone- the “Kevin, you’re such a disease” chick. Um, who else? Little Richard, like I said. He tried to get me into Jesus. I met dead black mayor of Chicago Harold Washington once, and I met Pete Wentz and even got my picture with him! That’s actually true, by the way. Um…fuck. I feel like I’m forgetting someone big. Matthew McConahay was at one of our shows when my band toured Australia, apparently. I didn’t meet him, or even notice he was there, which is weird, since he probably wasn’t wearing a shirt.
I met Gwen Stefani when my old band played with No Doubt as a pregame to a riot in Denver, but she wasn’t famous at the time. I totally banged her too.
Who else? I’m only counting people I’ve actually met here, not just seen. So yeah, McConahay shouldn’t be in there, but that’s just funny right? MATEO! Sheesh, what a dork. Okay, back to the list: Um, Matt Pinfield from 120 minutes. I’ve partied with that guy a bit. I’ve also met uh…those tubby mormon twins from Good Charlotte. Oh, and I met the guy from Sum 41, the drummer. This was good. My friend introduced us and because he’s famous and on TV and shit, I was like “man, we’ve met somewhere before” and he was looking at me like “oh really?” and then I realized who he was and I was like ‘ah, fuck! I’m that dumbass that mistook someone I see on TV as a person I know from my daily doldrums of life. Then I remembered that I HAD met him before. He was trying to bang a friend of mine! SO the day was saved and I looked like a slightly less dipped-in-shit type guy than I would have.
Let’s see, that’s about as low on the totem pole of band guys as I’ll go and still consider a worthwhile story about meeting or knowing someone famous. They gotta be on TV or in the tabloids or something. That guy in Sum 41 is at least the drummer for the guy who’s banging Avril Lavigne (who, actually, I’ve also met. I met her in LA and we talked briefly before she blew me up against the bar in the back of the club, and actually that’s almost the exact same story that I have with Matt Pinfield)
Well, I know all the guys from that Nofx Backstage Passport show. Great show. Kent, man. One time Kent and I saved our friend Jordan from a predatory hooker who wouldn’t take no for an answer at 430 am in a bar in Atlantic City. Jordan was so shaken that he was almost in tears.
Oh, I know those My Chemical Romance dudes just a little bit. Mutual friends, so I don’t REALLY know them, but I think with a little explaining, they wouldn’t call the cops if they caught me on their lawn at night. Also, that guy from New Found Glory. Is he still famous? Nah…never mind.
I still feel like I’m missing someone big. I met David Johansen from the New York Dolls. Neat. He’s real skinny. I fucked him too.
Okay, one more good one and I’m done. For having nothing to write about, this has been a real act of memory calisthenics. Let’s see…I stood next to Bill Maher and Larry David at a bar once, but I didn’t say anything to them. Lemmy was also there. I also saw B Real that night. Uh, fuck, man. Jesus, this is getting hard. Oh shit! Billy Joe from Green Day hugged me once. Then later that night we (and by ‘we’ I mean he and the other guys in Greenday while I stood around, observed from a distance and later added myself into the story, actually) took pictures off the wall in a hotel room, drew dicks on the wall and then put the pictures back up over the dicks. It’s a trick I’ve been doing ever since. Also, I set the alarm for six when I leave. Nah..that sucks. I can’t even joke about that. Sleep’s too important.

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32 Responses to I’m gonna live forever!

  1. Candice says:

    you met me too. since when is that not good enough to write about?

  2. John says:

    Question- what should us schmucks (I’m glad that was in spell-check) who are traveling to Chicago for Riot Fest see during the times we are not seeing live music? I’m looking for an official Riot Fest Weekend Companion Guide thing here.

  3. Katie says:

    Did you ever meet Jesse Michaels? I think Larry Arms were on the same bill as Common Rider at Plea for Peace a loooong time ago (well, maybe not that long, like 7 years ago? jesus I’m getting old). He seems like an interesting character…

  4. John Barrett says:

    ticketmaster nearly doubled the price for riotfest. This is a weirdly specific question, was the drummer from sum41 at the NOFX show at BB Kings in March ’06?

  5. Mikey says:

    hmmm so i have a question that’s totally unrelated to your post.

    but i’ve been listening to the new rise against album. and in the song savior there’s a line “this war is too much noise”. could that have any connection to chris’s song?

    i don’t know if you’d know the answer, but it’s something i’ve been wondering about and was hoping you could tell me.

  6. dan638563 says:

    When I worked at some shitty radio station in Chicago, I met the Black guy from the Office,Pineapple Express,40 Yearold Virgin and that new Seth Rogen Porn movie. The guy was a dick and he stole things. I met Colin Quinn to he was a great guy.

  7. jack says:

    man, the only famous people ive met are mark from guttermouth, who is truely a spaz by the way and also quite tall id say 6’5″ atleast. all of darkbuster, a boston punk band not too many people know of. and like half of dropkick when i was blacked out once. i heard we got along famously though. oh and i met jack from t.s.o.l. once, he was kinda a snob though.

  8. Sam Tie Blogger says:

    True story, in Cincinnati my band played with the Lawrence Arms(we did so a couple times) and I was really wasted, I mean, really, really wasted, and I kept humping Brendan. Just randomly. I dont even know if we spoke or anything. It was pretty funny at the time. Remember that? I woulda been way creeped out.

    I rode an elevator with Jerry Springer, but I didnt say anything to him. Shoulda!!

  9. Joseph says:

    i met joey cape and brendan at the taco bell tour in san francisco once, it was uh, pretty neat.

  10. bloodiedup3o says:

    I met Matt Pinfield in a Mexican restaurant a long time ago when he was still doing the MTV shit and then my (douche bag lawyer) dad ran into him in court and they exchanged numbers because he was supposed to hook me up with tickets for something… Never did. Sometimes I wonder what that guy is doing now.

  11. Zac Markey says:

    once i played drums for this drunk band in a bar in this cold town. it was a cream dream.

    no one famous though.

  12. kyle says:

    those hotel people are going to FREAK when they see those damn dicks.

  13. Sam Tie Blogger says:

    Mikey, Its probably a rumor, but Ive heard that Neil actually wrote “swing life away”. Prolly not true, you know how those rumors can be!

    There are too many good bands in Chicago!

  14. Jason says:

    Im really surprised you left out your little meeting with Anna Nicole Smith.
    Wasnt that the same night as Lemmy and Bill Maher?

    I think people deserve to hear this story

  15. Andrew says:

    i’m now gonna do the dick doodles at every hotel I stay at

  16. matisfatt says:

    i went to high school with OAR. Fuck my life.

  17. bloodiedup3o says:

    Hahaha. I graduated with Jojo Simmons… Rev Run’s kid.

  18. Jason says:

    This one time about a year ago I was in some random bar in Chicago taking a piss in the only toilet stall of the bathroom when I heard someone yell, “aww man, you’re not taking a shit in there are you?” I finished my business and walked out of the stall to find SNL alum Horatio Sanz…I should have known.

  19. Suzanne says:

    I met the queen and the queen mother once..

  20. SauliosBJ123 says:

    I don’t meet famous people, but I live like a block from the house from Mr. Holand’s Opus. As I’ve never seen the movie, I don’t remember if I was told it was the outside or the inside (because it was 2 different houses). I think it was the outside because I remember something about fake snow. OH! and I met the girl from Fast and Furious making some movie at the high school by my house, but had no clue who she was but my friend did.

  21. DrewYork says:

    I bet Gwen’s stench-trench (favorite vagina euphemism) was pure filth!

    … anyways Alex Trebek was really fuckin rad to meet while waiting for a delayed flight in JFK airport.

    Brendon, how could you not include Jon Stewart?

  22. PeterLazarz says:

    Please post the picture of you and Pete Wentz

  23. martin* says:

    Come to New Zealand and I will introduce you to a whole bunch of celebrities like um, this one guy who um fuck I dont know but I will find someone to introduce you too

  24. Eric says:

    Some girl from my high school became a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. Maybe she’s on that TV show now? Another kid from my high school is in that band Between the Trees. Lame.

    The only famous person I can think of having met is Michael Eisner. Pretty weak. Oh, and Penn Jillette.

  25. Jorubo says:

    If you consider following a famous person around until he loses you, then I have met Chevy Chase. Ha!

  26. Tyler J. Bernard says:

    I met Barry Sanders back when the Lions used to have their training camp in Saginaw. And this summer I sort of met Alia Shawkat (Maeby from Arrested Development) in Birch Run. Number one was easily meeting Chris McCaughan in Hamtramck last April, though.

  27. spir00s says:

    Ah, i met Aaron Barrett and other various member of reel Big Fish, we spoke for hours about crappy facial hair from the 70’s. Uhm the gentlemen from Against Me! were really fucking nice. Never seen anybody care about my friends gout as much as those guys did. The new guy from the Blue Men Group tickled my balls. Eh not really but the thought is really funny though. Oh sweet jesus i met Jim Peterich that douche who wrote hang or hold on loosely for 38 special. Ahhh low rate guest spots at WMTH 90.5.

    now thats a shameless promo.

  28. Justin says:

    This one is completely unrelated to the entry at hand. However, it’s am amazing musical idea and I’m surprised it hasn’t been though of before. Could have been a stellar Larry idea.


  29. Vanessa says:

    OH man, I met the singer for one of my favorite bands when I drove to see them in Canada. They were gettin’ all big and famous in Chicago so I decided to make a little trip. Some other huge Chicago band opened-can’t remember who they were though. Something about death and alkaline and death and well yes…but there was no one at the show! So anyway, the singer, this guy Brandon, was WASTED and told me all these crazy stories about doing coke and staying up all night and then writing songs about the said experiences. then he drew a little mustache on me with a sharpie. good times.

    That’s all I got.

    Also Horatio Sanz hit on me (hard) when I was working at the Tower on Clark street once. It was weird b/c I was probably 18.

  30. Sickie27 says:

    I usually read your blog late at night while my best friend watches TV beside me. I’ll laugh at something you write and tell her, and she won’t care. Until tonight where I yelled, “BRENDAN KELLY WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH JEREMY SISTO” and she paid attention quite quickly. I, for one, think your blogs are more entertaining than fucking Harry Potter anyway.

    But anyway. I never meet famous people or even people from bands based on the fact that I am an 18 year old girl, and doesn’t that just get annoying after a while? I was two feet away from Joe Queer once and he smiled at me. I awkwardly smiled back and put my head down and kept walking. Awkward.

  31. Mikey says:

    oh, turns out the line in the RA song is “the world is too much noise”. bah.

    yeah, i had heard neil wrote swing life away too. i didn’t even think it was a rumour, i thought it was just the truth haha. so that’s why i thought it wouldn’t be much of a stretch to have a sundowner reference. of course, now i’ve found out i made a mistake so….stupid me.

  32. P.S Don't Write says:

    One time, this dude named Chris McCaughan slept on my floor… Yeah. That’s all I got.

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